My 2 Dads

This being Father's Day it is only fitting I post a small tribute to the OG men in my life. I can truly say I got lucky in this department (although I would not have admitted this in my teen years you can be sure). The road has been rocky with both but now as a almost whole grown up type person I can see and treasure and love these men for who they are and what they helped shaped my life to be.

Larry....

Larry is my stepdad but I am now to the point where I refer to both my step parents as just parents. Larry is a pure and wonderful soul. He is the guy who taught me to drive a car (my mother drove with me once and that was enough for her, after that it was all up to Larry). He is goofy and can ramble on and on about the topics he is fired up about. He is such a giving person. He would literally give anyone the shirt off his back to anyone who needs it.

As I mentioned I had a rocky relationship with him at one time (that time being my teen years). My parents divorced when I was very young and he came into my life and I couldn't really understand what his job was or why he was there. He was very patient with me but trying to replace a parent is always a losing task and not that he ever did. He was just there and tried to love me as best he could- or as much as I would let him.

I can honestly say no one in my life moved me like Larry has.....no really. He moved me from state to state 2 times (Iowa to Chicago the Chicago to Phoenix) and the stories I can tell about those trips are a whole series of blogs that can be told another day.

I guess today what I want Larry to know is I do love and appreciate him. He was more of a father to me than I deserved and he is a very special man in my life and always will be.

Ron.....

My Dad...the giver of life. My Dad is great. He is fanastically intelligent and well informed. I am my fathers daughter in more ways than just looks. There is just no denying how far this apple fell from the family tree. From my father I got passion, curiosity, creativity, imagination. He helped me know that my world expanded beyond what I could see around me. He also gave me my soul. No one I knoow feels as deeply as he does.My Dad is one big open heart and I love him so much for showing mehow to be open.

My Dad has been on the fringes of my life for so long not because of lack of love but because a stubborn daughter combined with a father who isn't the best at communicating isn't a great mix. I deeply regret the time I spent being to stubborn to make those movesthat could have made him a bigger part of my life and I am so proud of us both for being much much better at our own issues on the topic.

What I want my father to know is how much I love him and what a great dad he really has been to me. Not through grand deeds or anything else other than the depth of love he has for me. If I didn't have any other person in the whole world who loved me his love could sustain and nurture me for the rest of my days, thank you Daddy for always loving me.

To both these men- thank you for what you gave me and I hope I can be the daughter you both deserve because I don't know how I got so lucky in having you both in ly life.

I love you!! Happy Fathers Day!!!

The Fog rolls in

I wasn't sure I was going to get around to blogging this weekend. You see the fog rolled in and it made everything foggy and so very hard to see or think or do anything beyond sleeping and moving off the sofa.

My old friend depression decided to pop in for a weekend visit you see. I can't claim to be an expert on depression other than my experience (all to vivid experience) of living with it all around me. I have lost 2 family members to suicide and know of at least one other family member who has attempted it (I found them and thwarted their attempt). I am sure if I played true confessions with some other family members I would find more than a few more who have stepped out on that particular ledge a time or two (myself included) but for whatever reason did not step off (at least successfully- although its odd to tie the word success to suicide).

All I know is that for me, depression is always there. I have described it before as the ocean's undercurrent that is constantly threatening to pull me under. I spend the majority of my time swimming like hell to keep myself on top of the wave, riding it but fearing every second that if I slip even a little bit I will be sucked under and maybe this time....for good. It is exhausting and one can never tell what might set it off.

I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I think of myself as a strong person and I don't like the feeling of being out of control but when the cloak of depression creeps up on me its like I was slipped a drug. Sometimes I can catch the moment it slips over me and I can almost feel the cold needle piercing my flesh as the cold drug of depression begins flooding my body making the whole world fuzzy and turning my brain into worthless mush. If I am lucky during this time I can at least function on auto-pilot. Like yesterday I somehow managed to complete my basic tasks of the day such as laundry, doing dishes, a bit of cleaning ....but yoga had to be cut as a 14 hour nap was far more important. Even with that I still found myself a zombie at 9 and was passed out cold at 9:30pm. Damn, do I know how to rock a Saturday night or what?

So how does a strong person deal with such a disease? One that turns you into a cowering, whimpering emotional mess? And how do you keep the window to your soul open to a new person in your life without giving him the impression that you are some broken china doll who needs to be handled with kid gloves?

Well I used to hide.....hide deep in my corner and under my covers where no one could ever ever see me. If no one saw me then I could go on business as usual and only I knew how much the cauldron of my emotions are bubbling. But then I started doing this blogging thing and as scary as it is to share things with you (cuz then ohimgod you will know!!) it helps. When I write about things like this I don't have you guys in mind. This is me being selfish and writing to myself. Since I can't actually sit my broken little doll self down and chat with her at least here I think she gets to talk a little bit which is good because for the most part she doesn't have a voice. I keep her gagged and bound because if someone sees her they might not think I am as together as I need people to think I am.....there is that block again. Where else does this show up in my life? How about everywhere....

What set it off this time is trivial. Well, not exactly trivial but not anything that millions of people aren't dealing with everyday. Its just Friday was my day to not exactly handle it very well. I spent the whole day in tears (plus side of working alone- I can sob all day and no one asks me "what's wrong") and by the end of the day I was emotionally done. In fact I skipped out early and flew home as fast as I could to hide and frankly I have not left the house since. I do give myself snaps for resisting another urge that is hard wired into me. Chris and I had plans to do a dinner/movie night and I was sooooo excited. Now what my usual programming would scream at me to do when I feel the current pulling at me is to violently push everyone away so I can then be the perfect martyr and sit back all alone and lament about how nobody loves me. So the fact I did not cancel on Chris is huge- I was close though, can't lie. So he came over and it was good. I had made a "comfort pit" for myself. I threw every pillow in my house on the floor and pulled out all my special blankies....the one my mom made for me when I was 10. The one my niece made for me. And the Bubba blanket made from Troy's t-shirts with the border made from my sisters robe. I wore a nightshirt my grandma had bought for me when I was like 8 and I had my boy who kissed me and cuddled me and make it ok- for a little while.

His wonderful cooking (swoon) and holding me close while we watched one of my fave movies was perfect and just what I needed and the whole night kinda induced a haze that I was just totally wrapped up in. I never want him to leave but I have to admit I was so tired I literally could not keep my eyes open and after he left I am sure I was dead asleep before he even left my complex.

Here is my dilemma and it is totally mine because I know he, or you guys don't care....but how do I convince you all that I am ok even when I am not? After living with this for so long and especially this last 2 years I have become aware of the signs and danger zones.Part of me still wants to hide away just because when I have slipped- which I do and will continue to do in the future- it is so scary to talk to me. I know how dark and morose and just awful I sound and if it were me talking to someone I care about I would be panicked. I can't say I am ok during these "spells" but the truth is you can love and support me but ultimately you can't help. I can't be fixed or rescued and sometimes I am beyond your ability to even reach me. You couldn't, not with a boat or a plane or running as fast as you can. Sometimes I just need to drift and only I can start paddling back to shore and back to the people I know who are waiting there for me.

It's so huge I can even admit I have people on the shore, on dry land, who love me because that is what depression loves to steal away from you. The connections you have to others. The things that you live for and love in life are depression's greatest enemies. So you see? I have made such progress even knowing while I am in the fog that if I just walk long enough in a straight line that I will find you and then you can help me. You help by being there all along for me to find.

So its not ok...I won't go as far as to say that. Its cold and scary and I hate it but its another part of my life. I try to be honest here- as much as I have the ability to recognize the honesty of a situation myself. I would not be honest if I hid this from you and I would be cheating my broken doll self of her voice if I did not allow her to speak here.

What it is- is my life. God knows its not pretty and the road ahead has many many rough patches ahead and I'll be back here to this foggy wet place more times in my life than anyone would ever want but I have a pocket full of breadcrumbs and I will find my way out.....

A Quicky

Ok, I was informed in no uncertain terms that blogging needed to happen and soon so here ya go. I don't have a burning issue to discuss so we will be free forming this and you know how sometimes that can go south....we shall see what happens.

Work this week has been a grind but in a good way. I finally have gotten off my ass and started executing to my full potential. I switched markets to something a bit meatier (from sales to healthcare- recruiting that is for those of you who still have no idea what I do for a living, s'ok my sister still can't explain it either). I fought it for a long time but you know what? Fuck it, if it will make me money I am there. I have gotten a few bites so far which is cool and made about 500 cold calls in 4 days which is brutual but hey, its not like I have anyone to distract me. Ummm that being said feel free to text me during the day since I don't have any humans to talk to other than clients (and they aren't that much fun- at least until we get to the part where they pay me). So yeah, desperate times call for stepping up, sucking up and making it happen and if I am the sales person/recruiter I claim to be I am more than capable of creating my own destiny (and income) to get above this and get back to where I need to be financially....

I have good incentive to make big bucks to cuz Chris and I have lots and lots of adventures planned- we just need the income so we can start doing them but I have to say in the meantime I am so very much enjoying finding creative ways to enjoy each others time. Hey now- I didn't mean like that!! In case you haven't noticed I have been surprisingly sparse with the dirty details, not they aren't delicious and fun but frankly its MY shiny toy....mine mine mine and I don't feel like sharing!! Several friends have been asking about meeting him and I have to say while I love the idea and certainly want him to know my friends and vice versa I just have no desire to share right now. It's nice just being in the bubble of it all being new and exciting. So you will just have to enjoy what you get cuz I am keeping this one close.

Ok....I was gonna write more but due to my overwhelming popularity I am being IM'ed by 3 people on FB.

Hope this tides you over for now kids.....

In Case you Missed it

Membership has its privileges and if you are a fan of mine on Facebook you already know this but to catch the rest of the world (my corner of it anyways).... I FINALLY after weeks of hovering right above the line dropped under the 200 pound mark for the first time in at least 2 decades!! As of last Friday I weigh 197.6 lbs!!

It is a huge milestone and I was determined to hit it before I came home for my birthday. I'd love love love to be under 190 now before the party but we will have to see....For now I will do my best to keep my promise to myself to celebrate the milestone victories. It's just not everyday that someone can tell you they have lost 220 lbs. I will resist the urge to look ahead and mention that I still have at least 40 pounds more to go (not to mention plastic surgery). Yes, I will totally resist that urge and just bask and take in the moment.

I took a picture of the scale not just to be cute (cuz, well I am just am cute dammit) but because I have focused and visualized that amount (at least the part where the first number is a 1) for sooooooo long. It is always hardest to push through those milestones. I remember how hard it was to get under the 300 pound mark. Ugh, crazy to think how recent that was.

So what is different? After 220 pounds how is my life different? This is a tricky question to answer actually because I want to hold true to the multiple rants I have fired off here in the past and do my best to not disparage or put down myself from a year ago, or hell at any point up until now. Was I broken? Of course....Was I making bad choices? Yes. Were the bad decisions I was making any more or less destructive than decisions other people make to ruin their lives? Nope but the difference is I was literally wearing my bad decisions for the whole world to see and judge....and still have the shell I have to cart around. My souvenir, my albatross.

Life is different though....no doubt about it. My eating habits are 1000% better but don't think for a second I have risen above temptation. God the list of food I would chew off my right arm for is vast. It's bizarre to think its been over a year since I have had any fast food of any kind. Just yesterday I gave in to one to many "treats" and my body revolted almost right away (bleech). Which I guess is a good thing. I limit what I have so much that when I get to much of a good thing my body sends out the crossing guard and says do NOT pass! I will always struggle with finding those good for me things as opposed to the good things. Looking forward to AG (after goal) I hope to be able to sprinkle in those treats now and then and relax about it.

My physical life is obviously the most dramatic change. I keep getting reminded of little moments- moments where I would walk 2 blocks out of my way rather than try to tackle a staircase. Damn those stairs!! Or even sitting in a booth at a restaurant knowing I can't squeeze into it. Or checking the chairs I was going to be sitting in an hoping there were no arms so I wasn't wedged in. I could go on and on.....to have those moments gone is bizarre. To be able to do all those things effortlessly is amazing. Simple but huge for me.

Not even to mention the whole physical exercise routine. Yoga, weight training and cardio. Exercising so regularly that I had to be forced to add a day off into my schedule??!! A year ago that was so impossible. My first attempts at any exercise was just walking around my condo courtyard because I was terrified of going into the gym at my condo. Now- I am in there everyday pretty much without fail. I even pushed back my date with Chris because I didn't want to miss yoga if I didn't have to?? Exercise over a boy?? A cute boy at that!! Crazy....batshit crazy.

I have come such a long way. I have been getting to know myself on a whole new level. When I started this some of my family members expressed concern that I would be a different person after going through this. Have I changed? Of course....and I knew I would. Any journey you take changes you so it would have been insane to think I wouldn't change but what I promised myself and I believe I have held true to is I have not changed the fundamental person that I was and still am. I am still ME just a different version of me....its even up for debate if this is a better or worse version of me but I am a work in progress and always will be.

Ok....20 pounds times 2 to go!!!

Falling in Love

I had forgotten how easy yet so so difficult it can be. The highs and lows, the exploring and getting to know this new entity in your life. It's strange and exciting all at the same time.

This blog is first and foremost a tool I have been using to examine my own life. To put it into a business example this blog is me"whiteboarding" my own journey. I look for patterns (like that fact I can't seem to string more than a couple of good days together in a row without the ride hitting a few bumps) or places that might be a bit more than meets the eye (grab a shovel people, we are digging in right here).

The biggest journey I have taken in this space isn't the weight loss or living through the grief of losing my brother and most recently my grandma. And no....it isn't even my fabulously fucked up love life.

No....the biggest journey has been (and will continue to be) finding myself and .....(god help me for quoting a Whitney Houston song) learning to love myself. Yes Whitney, that IS indeed the greatest love. Hmmmmm, were you expecting me to be going another direction with this post? Sorry not there yet. Perhaps on the path and wandering in a general direction that may or may not lead there but no, too early to call that race kids. Stay tuned though?

Here is some good news- some of you may recall a blog I posted called "I'm looking at the man in the Mirror" (Aug 08 archives- worth a read or re read, go look. I can wait). It basically was a run down of the points I hated about myself as I looked in the mirror. Well lord knows I still have quite the list of things that I do not like about myself (another days blog) but I have to say the mirror has become a less hostile place these days which is pretty damn huge in my life.

I can breeze by the mirror and catch a glimpse of a person who isn't so bad.

Ok, not the strongest affirmation or validation in the world but if you have been following this particular bouncing ball for long you know that is leaps and bounds beyond where I started and pretty remarkable progress. It's not that I was ever a self hater (even though there is plenty of evidence to the contrary) and in the past I would have argued that it wasn't a self confidence issue- but the more I think about these things the more I might have to go back and reassess. Why does it matter to go back and tear apart and CSI my past now?

As much as it seems the past doesn't matter- it does. The past is where all the data is to figure out the "why" of how my life got like it got and until I get a grasp on the "why" of where I got, I really have no hope of making those permanent changes that will mean this isn't just the top of the roller coaster hill that is the first in a series of loop-de-loo's but that this is almost the end of this ride and I can soon hop off it and go on to a bigger and much better ride!

Loving yourself......wow.

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to try to do. I am not even close to there but I am trying. I wish it was easy as working out (wtf....did I just say working out is easy? damn...someone go back a year and tell -that- Tracey I said that and watch her tell you to fuck off!!). But if there was a way I could strengthen my self love muscle I would do it (and don't go to the dark side with that comment, yeah I mean you!! keep it clean, this is a family show). It's tough is all I am saying....its tough to really like and love yourself because let's face it, you know how damaged you are. You know how broken and battered and how many pieces you are in on the inside and god knows that crappy patch job you did will only last so long and what happens when it all falls apart. You know how many times you have hurt other people (whether you meant to or not) and how you have the capacity to hurt even more given time. You know the deep the darkness is and where all the bodies are buried and what the secrets are that you hope no one ever finds out about......

When you think of all those things it hard to find yourself lovable or worthy of love.

"The bad stuff is easier to believe.....you ever notice that?" Julia Roberts circa Pretty Woman

And there's there wonderful quote I have on my wall by Marianna Williamson (or Gandhi depending on who you care to believe, regardless....):

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I know I have done a lot of good stuff. Some might even call this blog one of the best things I have done as I have shared so much with so many and perhaps.....maybe....even inspired a few folks along the way and what in life is more important than helping people become more than they could be on their own? Most of us need a hand, that's all.....I can see greatness and beauty in everyone around me to a person. I see bright shiny wonderful souls all around me. Why then is it such a leap to believe that I might be one of them??

It's tough but maybe I can see just a glimmer of my own beauty and light. I couldn't inspire others if I didn't have beauty inside me right? Just as you all have inspired me by the beautiful and wonderful things you do to support me and the other people in your lives.

So maybe there is hope for me to fall head over heels in love.....with myself!

Warning: May Cause Side Effects

New relationships are great...as I am finally at long long last being reminded of.....there is tons of chemistry sizzling the air all around you. I swear I can feel Chris as soon as his car hits my condo gate by just the way the hairs on my arm stand on end in anticipation. The sweetness of those new kisses as you are still getting used to a new set of lips to taste. The way each touch is new and exciting and unexpected. Everything is a surprise and you can't wait to see what comes next...

Except....

They need to slap a warning label on new relationships...

WARNING: MAY CAUSE SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: DROWSINESS, LACK OF MENTAL CAPACITY, MENTAL AND PHYSICAL FATIGUE (if done correctly anywho) TWITTERPATION AND..... THE POTENTIAL FOR THE RELIVING OF PAINFUL MEMORIES

:::sigh::::

So amongst all the wonderful get to know ya things that happen in the beginning of a relationship (the poor guy already sat through a viewing of my photo albums- nominations for Sainthood are being submitted) there is also the sharing of the bad stuff. Because as well all know the bad stuff sometimes is a bigger part of us than the sum total of all the good.

Last night Chris and I had a lovely evening....dinner at one of my fave restaurants, spectacular conversation (always a given) and then relaxing at my house. I wanted to explain a bit more about my blog....specifically why I call it Laughing Stars so I showed him the archived entry which started this whole thing. The entry was the goodbye letter I wrote to Troy.

As you may recall (or want to re-read) I quote the passage from the Little Prince at the end as a way of summing up my emotions about losing my brother:

"All men have the stars but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–"

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You–only you–will have stars that can laugh!"

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'"

I love this quote and it seemed the perfect title for my blog- and my life. I also showed him the blog about Troy's "Last Call" (which is archived in the Jan 09 batch).

He read them and of course was touched and wonderfully supportive but what I hadn't counted on was my reaction. Just reading that and reliving it through someone else's eyes just took me right back there. Standing on the steps of the church before the funeral, hugging my dad for the first time when I got to the hotel, my decision whether or not to view his body. I was there again and it hurt all over again. It seems that wound has not quite healed and if you flick at the edges it will still bleed.

It's important that he know and understand that about me- what that week did to me and how it started all this but it doesn't make it any less painful to talk about or share. Obviously I knew it would come up and we would get into it. I certainly want him to know and really understand the whole experience, including getting to know my brother. I want him to feel like he does know Troy since he will always be a part (a huge part) of my life.

I think it might be a bit more intense now as I am so close to coming home and one of my plans for the trip home is to visit Troy's grave for the first time. I was there for the burial but this will be the first time I see it with the headstone set. That was done on his birthday last year and I could not make it back for that too. So I guess I am already kinda wandering to "that place" mentally. I was also informed that we will be burying my Grandmother's ashes when I go home so once again my trip home will be more about the death in my family than a celebration which was -my- plan (see what happens when I try to plan things? I swear I don't make this shit up).

So yeah.....things are really good with Chris. I am feeling comfortable (kinda) and relaxing (sorta) and I see good things ahead for us (woo-hoo!!) but really......these side effects are a bitch!!

My Future?

Tracey just got their Tarot Cards Read

Context - Ace of Cups: Have you had a rising of emotions for a particular love lately? If not it is on the way! This may be a new love relationship with a person or it could be a new interest, hobby, or friendship. Any way you look at it, it is all good! Enjoy the feeling of excitement from within!

Focus - Empress 3: The Empress is all about energy and flow and is the feminine card. A project started by the Fool is likely to come to fruition with the Empress on your side. This is a fertility card and not necessarily in the biological sense. This card provides the support and creativity to accomplish your innermost endeavor that has been on your mind.

Outcome - Death 13: Death is a card of transformation! There is great change coming and some phase of your life is ending. Dont resist it because it is inevitable. It may be painful but make the most out of it because, in the end, it could be the best thing that has happend in your life!

Let's see if it comes true....