Monday, August 10, 2009

I'm not Special

Wow- well where are we now in our little tale (thumbing through pages of notes) Ahhhhh yes, we last left little Tracey all sad and pathetically unemployed crumpled over there in the corner. Life had dealt her just one too many knock out punches.

But life doesn't let the story end there does it? The truth is I am scared and I have NO CLUE where to pull the bunny out of my hat that will save my ass here. I have made a career out of being solidly networked (over 3500 connection on LinkedIn alone!) and yet right now that has yielded me exactly- nada. And all my groups and "friends" and even my real friends have offered sympathy and support- which I am soooo grateful for don't get me wrong- have not been able to guide me to any kind of employment opportunity. Oh yeah....and let's not forget that I am a RECRUITER and if -I- don't know how to track down a job lead well then...I guess I deserve to be in this mess.

It's tough and scary and it has never ever been this bad. I just barely managed to scrape together a mortgage payment for this month but that doesn't allow for bills or silly stuff like- oh I dunno, food?? I mean I know I fell off the bandwagon a little with the train wreck that July turned out to be but I do still need to eat something.

Yeah side note ** totally ironic that right after this great series of articles appears highlighting my weigh loss success I have the most stressful month of my life and decide that I "deserve" some comfort food to "treat" myself. Wow, do those words sound familiar? Let's just say that I would need to revise my "loss" numbers and not being able to workout for 10 days really set me back even more. I am cleared to exercise again now though so hopefully that will help my mood, energy and get me back where I was in June. And for all my peeps who suffer depression as yours truly does.....I am here to say that NOTHING is better than exercise. I know you don't want to hear it- especially when the couch is so comforting but it's true. If you can force yourself to start moving you feel so much better. At least I tip 'o the day.

No, I am still not going to give a public declaration of how dark the rabbit hole got for me in July my friends know and if they don't know I hope they know they can ask and I will share. Just some things aren't for everyone to pick apart as is happening now that my little diary here is getting peeked at by some more eyeballs. Suffice to say I am officially saying I have enough checks in my "loss" column and it can be someone else's turn for awhile.

So what am I doing about it? Well posting sad little updates on Facebook seemed to do no good and I think I turned a bunch of people off (myself if no one else) so I am going to attempt to curb that strategy. Also taking out my frustrations on my love- who only wanted to take care of me and made me a big pot of soup so I would have several homecooked meals in my fridge- that didn't work so well either. Sorry baby, I love you and am VERY grateful for you and your love.

I am posting my resume like crazy, working my network, calling old clients/contacts and lowering my standards to find anything that will get my some income. Not my dream but $240 per week from unemployment will NOT cut it- and that is if I ever get that rolling. Three hours on the phone today with no results says its not looking good.

I will dig in and focus and "just keep swimming" as my fave little mantra directs me to do and do my girl scout best to slap a smile on my face and keep the panic at bay. I know this is a blip in time that I will barely remember as I look back. I know I am not special and thousands of people are in far worse spots than me but dammit its MY life and it means something to me and to Chris. I will get past this somehow (god I wish I could just flip to that page) but for now....yeah it sucks and is scary and I don't know what will happen. I do thank the stars for my friends and (most of) my family and of course for my greatest gift of all- my wonderful partner Chris. I am not unaware of ungrateful I am just a scared little kitten doing my best to make it across this room full of rocking chairs.

Stay tuned and send your love......

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