Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Who I was, Who I am, Who I may become

Who I was, Who I am, Who I may become

Current mood: pissed off

Category: Life

I know, it is a rare mid-week blog. I usually don't have time to blog during the week (and don't really have the time tonight either) but I feel compelled to defend someone. Three someones actually and what they all have in common is- they are all me. I have had the chance to see a few old friends recently and also via myspace and facebook (which I am still not a big fan of and no matter how many times I get "super poked" I will not find it any less annoying or juvenille...and if -I- am calling something juvenille you know its out there, but I am not judging. Poke away and know I love you even if I "ignore" the shit out of you).

The same conversation keeps happening and its really beginning to piss me off. It goes something like this:

them: ohmigosh, I can't believe it's you, how have you done it, how is it going, what is your goal, I am so impressed......

(this I appreciate and thanks so much to everyone who has said a version of the above to me)

them: How do youuuuuu feEEEeeeeeeellllllllll???

Me: I think we all know my opinion about this question by now (warning, warning....this is heading for dangerous ground!!)


So this is where I have to draw a line and make a HUGE statement to the world. I was never broken so I do not need fixed!! Any variation of that last bit will henceforth cause me to start going OFF! This is why I need to go back to Tracey of last year (and the 37 years before that) and defend her. She is cool! Anyone who doesn't know that I feel really badly for. Don't get me wrong, she has her issues and problems like everyone else but all is all she is a waaaay cool chick. (I am using the present tense btw because she is still very much present in my head and my life- I see her everyday in the mirror and would be happy to let her know you say "hey"). After all, isn't everyday "take your inner child to work day"?? She is warm and damn witty and a good friend. She was- and is now more than ever- wrongly judged and put in whatever box judgemental people like to cubbyhole those who make them feel something that they don't like in themselves- so they have to throw stones at others. The bastards have to bring people down so they feel they are above them. That Tracey will always live inside of me and while I have chosen, for what you all know to be deeply personal reasons, to make different choices than I have in the past, it was not because I ever, for ONE MINUTE, thought I needed to "change". And frankly, if anyone reading this ever felt that way- thank you for your time but get the hell off my blog!

I don't know if any of you remember my post "The Jared Effect..or Why you are Never gonna see my Fat Pants" (posted April 14th- one of my personal faves) but I hold true to that rant. I HATE the way we make anyone who is overweight feel like utter shit about themselves. Especially when the whole game is about being strong enough on the inside to realize that you are wearing the ruby slippers RIGHT NOW and have the power to "go home" (loose weight) ANYTIME you want. God, that is the hardest battle ever ever ever to fight and win and for the poor souls who get enough courage to start trying to do something (anything) and get shot down with lame ass comments about how much BETTER they will be and for allllll those fuckers on commercials who wave -their- Fat Pants and declare "I am a different person- that was the OLD me". Seriously, what was wrong with you before? NOTHING! Choices don't define the whole person. Is it a part? Of course. But I was never a "bad person" because I chose to eat a half gallon of ice cream for dinner. I made a bad choice but I was always a good person. I am just so sick of people judging who I was so Past Tracey...please know I will always be in your corner and never ever will let anyone put you down. You didn't deserve it then and you don't deserve it now.

Ok, so Present Tracey is a butterfly still emerging (wow, I think I just channeled Mariah Carey for a second ::shake::: ok, she's gone now). So I won't say much to defend her except to say she doesn't deserve any of the judgements Past Tracey got either and she especially does not deserve to be put in a position where she has to justify herself or her past. MY choices, MINE. I know I am chosing to be public and with that invites a certain level of vunerability to negative comments but just because you (the general, global you-not YOU specifically) make them it still does not give you the right to do it.

Now on to Future Tracey. She's gonna be cool, witty, you are allll gonna want to hang with her and will be very proud of her. That's all great and expected and I, along with all y'all ,can't wait to meet her. BUT- please know this right now. She is NO BETTER than the other 2. Will she be different from Past and Present Tracey? Of course, because she will have had experiences and challenges that Past Tracey could not know and Future Tracey could not have got without Present Tracey. I know she will get a different reaction from people and when they learn her story will have the same reaction as above. I hearby declare that I and anyone else who finds Future Tracey acting the bitch and trying to distance or put down the other 2 will get the beatdown, ass kicking of her life. I WILL NOT HAVE IT. Seriously, I am not going through all of this to become someone else. I LIKE me- I am fucking AMAZING. This process is much more about embracing ALL the parts of me- not just the cool bits that most of you guys got to know and love (which I thank you and love you all fiercely for).

This is about looking in the mirror (which you know I do A LOT of these days) and giving myself credit for where I was (which was never BAD), where I am (on a journey and making DIFFERENT CHOICES) and where I will be ... and the rest of the world can fuck off!

Oh, and this is not a "girl power" moment and anyone who posts a comment along the lines of "you go girl" may get kicked in the vag. I'm just saying....


Monty S. said...

ok then. sorry for not getting here to see this before. there is also a new one yet to be read. i felt i needed to comment here before i moved on to the new entry.
seriously i am scared now to say anything for fear of getting kicked in places that are not designed to be kicked.
speaking from my own experiences...saying things are not always meant to be negative or to make a person question who they are. they are said with good intentions as well as with hope they will not be upsetting. as you already know we are all different. we all can hear the same comment and take it in a different way. this is dependant on who we are and where we are in our life. a person may say something and not know the present or past of the person receiving the comment and therefore not realize that said comment will set them off. it is also safe to say that at different times a comment will be taken differently. having a bad day will likely take a comment differently then if you are having a good day. You is world you and not specific you.
i can only speak for myself and how i perceive/feel about things, but society judges too much on physical appearance. shitty i know, but that is how i perceive/feel about it. you can feel great about who you are, but if you are in the general public you can get overlooked for your appearance. just because you are overweight, have tatoos, piercings, colored hair, certain clothes or brands of clothes, and so on you are looked at differently. you are given more or less "respect" or whatever when compared to the cookie cutter public that are what they consider "normal". just cuz i have a certain outward appearance does not mean i am any less deserving of anything.
sorry will stop there.

glad you are still happy with who you are.

Erika said...

Wow...just read your blog tonight. I hadn't checked it out in a few weeks and actually have time. I certainly hope I wasn't one of those that gave you a "rah, rah" speech and made you feel bad about who you were and who you are. No matter what paths our lives took in H.S. and after I'll NEVER forget those years we were best friends hanging out. In fact, I know you probably hate hit but I was surfing online last night and guess what...Target is selling SMURFS!! NO Kidding!! I smile everytime I see them and fondly think of you and 7th grade & amazed and enamored by your collection. While I do think it's GREAT your on the fitness/healthier you road you've NEVER been a bad person to anyone!

I hope the bad/pissed/screw ya'll mood is passing but if it's not it's ok. Why...because we can't all be happy, go lucky all the time!

Also, read the Yoga blog and glad to hear you enjoy it so much. One of these days I'll get to a class. I think though I should start like you and do a beginner class at an actual Yoga studio then at the gym I'm still on the fence about joining.