Crossroads

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Crossroads

Current mood: thoughtful Category: Life

Hello kittens-

It's been an odd last few days. Not in a good or bad way but I def. feel like I have hit a plateau and am now entering phase 2 of whatever you want to call the journey that this year has been. I mean that pretty much across the board although the weight loss story is probably the anchor for feeling like now is a shift.

First there is the family. I just feel like for the most part we have seen the worst of it (raw bleeding throbbing grief) come out and while we will all struggle with finding a way each and everyday for the rest of our lives of how to get over loosing my brother (it's like it didn't happen once but it keeps happening a thousand times a day because each time you think of him it's like it happened all over again) it is shifting into a new type of "dealing with it". I guess I mainly feel that way because of my niece and sister. Theirs is not my story to tell or share but suffice to say that I really feel they have both turned a corner and are getting the help they need to get to a place where it's not all so raw all the time. And I will be here to support them as much as I can.
As far as my weight loss I am for sure at a crossroads. My dropping pounds has slowed down a lot and that's because I have been adding a lot more activity into my schedule. You have to consider when you are eating 800 calories a day if you exercise too much you will be cutting into calories your body needs for other stuff not to mention that I am now building muscle -which is good of course- but muscle weighs more than fat so that may also be offsetting the pounds coming off. I have to talk to my doc next week to see what adjustments I need to make and decide if I want to keep working out as much but slow down on the weight loss -or- figure out how much I need to cut back my activity so I am still dropping at a good clip. We will have to see but I do feel good about the activity I have worked up to- I have been walking a mile a day on the days I don't do yoga and on yoga days I have 90 min classes.I finish my intro series on Tuesday and then will be getting into the regular classes, although I am still going to take the more basic beginners class. Baby steps!!

**side note- my class on Tuesday totally kicked my ass! We went through all the basic yoga forms so we could learn the root pose then go into more advanced variations from there. O M G is all I gotta say. It was all good stuff but when she started getting us into the inversion (upside down) poses I swear I turned a shade whiter than I already am- which as you know is saying something! I did find variations I can do at home and have ordered my own yoga mat and bolster cushion so I can start practicing at home as well. Yay!

Plus the program I am on is changing the food I eat so I am a bit concerned about that. I need to talk to the doc more about this new product they are shifting to and get more info but I have already thought if this is something I could do on my own at this point? I am not sure but I did go ahead and ordered a scale so I can measure my BMI (body mass index), water weight and muscle mass at home which I get measured now at the clinic. I just don't want to change what is working!

I also think I can feel a shift because I had a big build up of negative emotions from all the change (or lack of progress) bottle up and what set me off is how depressing it was to have a closet full of clothes that don't fit and are super baggy on me. I mean, the reward of loosing weight is to get into those cute clothes right? Well I hit the wall hard on Thursday and couldn't take it anymore so I used my friend Meegan's engagement party as an excuse to go out and get some new clothes (and a haircut and color- why the fuck not right?). Not that it was really in the budget (especially after I bought all the new yoga stuff as well) but eff it- had to be done so I opened up a new store charge card and went and got 3 new pairs of pants and 2 new shirts (saved $50 on it- yay sales) and as vain as it sounds that made me feel so much better instantly. I went shopping on my lunch hour (since I don't eat lunch) and was so happy with what I got I changed into the new stuff as soon as I got back to my office. If you looked at my new pics the black and white shirt and black pants are the new outfit. It just really made all the difference and made me feel like I was in a new bucket and by that I mean size brackets. You know how you feel when you are jump into the next age bracket on magazine surveys? Well this is like jumping down a bracket instead of going up. The size I am now is a size I, for the love of god, could not tell you when I was last in- especially in pants! In fact, I spoke to a few friends of mine who are also starting the diet and when I told them my new size and it was lower (or close to) where they are now they were like "hey!" which I totally get btw, you never want the person who was always bigger than you to pass you up so now we are gonna have a little supportive competition. :)

The new size isn't just about the number either- I am sure it is just as much internal as external but I am feeling a shift inside myself of how the world looks at me. As much as we all want to say we love people for who they are judgements are a fact of life. A heavily tatooed guy walks by you the reaction is "wow, he looks cool" or "wow, what a freak". Snap judgements, can't help it. And now I feel like I am being viewed just a bit differently where I am not the super fat girl but more of "heavyset" girl. Small distinction I know but trust me it makes a world of difference in how you get treated by people.

Oh, and before I forget- I have had several heartfelt comments and apologies based on my earlier rants about people being insensitive (Who I was, who I am, who I will become). So I want to say thanks for the comments and support and you were not one of the people I was talking about and please don't be afraid to comment back to me. I know the people reading this are my true friends and you guys can say whatever you like. Just know that this is my safe place to rant and get things off my chest and for the purpose of writing I may be overly general but it's preaching to the choir for you guys. You already know and understand what I am saying or are gaining understanding by listening to me and ergo, are not who I am talking about. And not that I don't accept the backhanded support- I do see if for what is it but it would be rude and ungrateful to unleash that rant on them even though it is what I think so I let it out here where its safe so people don't think I am a total ungrateful bitch and I get to pour those thoughts out of my head. Winner winner, chicken dinner. Hope that clears that one up and thanks for the love.....