Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Dark Room

Scene: dark room, pitch black except for a table with a mirror on it in a circle of light.

Direction: girl walks into room, looks around suspiciously then walks over to the table and takes a seat in the chair sitting in front of it. Looks into the mirror and looks at what is her own reflection but wearing a dark suit and Sarah Palin-like glasses

Ummmm, hi?

Hello Tracey. What brings you here?

I dunno, just kinda wandered in. Who are you?

Well isn't it obvious- I am you. The wiser, more rational part of you.

Oh, rock on. Where have you been all my life?

Don't get cute with me. I don't think you are clever. I have already heard all your jokes, doesn't impress me.

Damn. That hurts. Ok- I'll bite. Why am I here?

Well, I have been looking over your progress and I can't help noticing you are a bit of track.


Would you like to tell me what's going on?

Don't you know?

Of course, I am you but I think it would helpful for you to tell me.

Well I was doing good, in a groove until July and then....


Then I took a break and decided I could let go and not be so careful and....errrrr

That hasn't worked out so well for you has it?

No, not really. I have gained about 25 pounds.


Ok 30.....bitch

Calling me names isn't really gonna help now is it?

Kinda it does...

Ok then call me every name in the book but you are still going in the wrong direction.

I know.

And I think I recall you saying you weren't going to be one of those yo-yo dieters. That you were gonna take it off and keep it off.


So? What now. You are where you are. Can't change that. So let's talk about why you can't seem to get back on track.

It's just a lack of motivation. I have the right schedule so time isn't an issue.

Ok, good. So what is stopping you?


No lie to me dumb ass, as if I wouldn't know you were lying.

Shut up, it was just an expression.

I know.

(sigh) As I was saying...honestly I am going back to my self sabatoging ways. I am feeling exactly the same way about food that I always have. That it is my treat- that I can reward myself with it and that I deserve it. Just like a junkie with a needle over my arm I tell myself I can handle it when the truth is I can't. I can't do a moderatly good diet and when I slip a bit I slide all the way down. I start off a day being "good" then I will slip a bit and then the day is a loss. And then I figure the week is a loss and why work out if I have already "been bad" and then the cycle begins.

Hmmmm, why do you think you are talking about "good" and "bad". Are those the only 2 options?

Pretty much....

Why is that? Why is it good or bad can't it just be a choice? A choice you made and a choice you make differently next time?

I guess... Am I this annoying when I talk to other people?



Ok....so let's take good and bad off the table. Lemme go all Jillian Michaels on you and ask you the simple question. Why do you want to lose weight?

I want to be happy.

Bullshit, you are in love and are happier than you have ever been but you are still overweight? Why?

Because I feel I need to punish myself...

For what?

For not being good enough.

Ahhhhh, there is that "good" word. Good enough for who?


We covered this...

Yes, honestly I am not now nor have I ever been good enough for my mother. My mother doesn't accept me for who I am and she recently announced that she doesn't want to be in the same town as me. There I said it.

Damn- you sure did. How do you feel?


Of what?

Scared she is going to see this and hate me. Scared my family will reject me. Scared I will lose them all forever and I will be alone.

That is alot of fear to carry around with you.


So now what? What are you going to do to get past this?

Well I guess this is a first step.

Yes it is....a pretty big one I'd say.

Then I guess I will wait and see what the fall out is.

Ok, and what are you going to do in the meantime.

I will take smaller steps, meaning I will go back to basics and not look at weeks or months but start building a string of small steps to start rebuilding back to where I was.

How about you not worry about where you were and just be where you are and go from there.

Ok, fair enough. Are we done?

Got somewhere else to be?

Well SYTYCD is on....

Oh for fuck sake, if your life isn't as important as a reality dance show go ahead...

Ok- thanks

(dashes out of the room)

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