The theme for the month is- I am trying.
Now this will make any of my fellow Rapport Master Grads crazy as "try" is a powerless word. Think Yoda- "there is no try, only do"and to a large extent I agree. Powerless words are just that-powerless. That doesn't make them any less true though and honestly I have been feeling pretty powerless recently.
I feel empty. I spent the better part of the weekend in a total zombie state. The waves of depression and cresting and I feel the dark tug of the undercurrent wanting to drag me down down down. I don't remember anything this weekend but sitting on my couch and tasting the salt of my tears which I couldn't even be bothered to wipe away. I'd probably still be sitting there if not for Chris coming over to pull me up and letting me rest on his strong shoulders. His love is literally the only thing holding me together right now.
It's the Santa hats.
I was looking through family pics and since I mainly was home only for the Holidays the past decade most of my pics are of Christmas. And in each pic my brother is there wearing yet another Santa hat. It was his thing and I never even really noticed. I have to say his last Santa hat was a doozy- it had a very odd looking beard attached and was suitable for scaring small children- which he did. Along with embarassing his own kids. So all of the sudden I see Santa hats everywhere and they all remind me of Troy.
I know several people who have recently lost someone they love and I think it is a special kind of hellish pain when you lose someone around the Holidays. I have to say all the joy has been sucked out of the season for me. I don't feel any Holiday spirit and frankly just wish they were all over and done with. And it's not just Christmas for me because as most of you know we lost my brother on New Years Eve and I flew home on New Year's day. So once again I will mentally relive that horror. I can't help it. You'd have better luck stopping the tide than turning my mind away from that horrific timeline. I'd love to look forward to this New Years and for the first time in my life being with the person I am sharing my future with as we kiss in the New Year but I don't see that day ever holding any joy for me.
And now this year I have the first year without my Grandma to look forward to. She is the heart of my family and without her I fear we are all a bit adrift. Everyone put forth an effort to make her happy and without her? I don't know....I hope traditions continue but I don't have much to say about it since I alone have chosen to move away. Not that I regret it and as awful as it sounds I am glad to not be home this year. Not that I don't love my family- they know I do. I would just rather have my own special time with each of them (preferably them coming to AZ) than make with the fake frivolity just because its Christmas.
Christmas is dead for me. It died with Troy and it died a bit more with my Grandma. It died with the erosion of my relationship with my mother and as much as I want to fix it all I can't. It is beyond my powers. I just want to crawl into a hole and hang a sign "closed for the season". I want to seal myself in a cave and only let my love come in and hold me and do his best to nurture my broken soul through this hideous time of year.
I want to believe, don't think I don't. I used to believe in the magic. I used to marvel at the wonderment and delight at all the merriments but the curtain has been ripped down and I see the illusion for what it is. I hope the magic comes back. I hope I can be lit up again and dream those dreams.....I'm trying. Really I am.