So the yoga studio has a theme every month and not a big surprise, this month's theme is gratitude. What with the Holiday that is all about giving thanks upon us that seems more than appropriate but as we went into meditation about being grateful for the things we have (as opposed to wanting the things we don't) I got stuck. We were supposed to be giving thanks to ourselves for all the things we do for ourselves and for other people but for me I found myself not able to even go there.
Instead what I went to was the need to focus on forgiveness. For me there can be no gratitude until there is forgiveness and I have been trying very hard to dig and really get to the cause of why I am struggling so much with maintaining my weight. I just find my impulse control going out the window. For no damn reason at all last night I grabbed a donut when I got gas last night. Totally canceled out the joy of the fat free cappuccino I was "treating" myself too. I got into the car and inhaled the damn thing before it even processed that I had bought it in the first place and I felt that same panic/rush I have felt so many times in my life. All I can figure out is that I am punishing myself.
The things I have punishing myself for is very long and I could fill pages and pages with the list. Things like not being there for my family, not being loved by my mother (cuz clearly that is my fault), not being strong enough, not being in a better financial situation, not doing what I know I should do, not making the right choices......blah blah blah. I could go on for days.
So what I thought about today is how do I forgive myself and I know it starts by letting go.
Sure......no problem. Let go. Easy
I am certain I am not the only person in the world who struggles with this issue but it's tough. It's hard to take accountability and ownership of your life while letting go of some of those things all at the same time. And if I am brutally honest I don't want to let some of those things go because I really believe I have done things that I do need to suffer and be punished for and I have to believe that this lack of impulse control that has been taking over and making these bad decisions for me is my BS acting the role of the Punisher. (cue the super villain)
So that was my moment today. I am hoping by forcing myself back into writing consistently this blog will do for me what it has done before and be that mirror and that guide that helps me work out and see what it really going on cuz right now I feel more than a little adrift and I don't want to get so far out that I can't see land and can never get back to where I was.
Help.....(she says to the universe)
Help me to see and understand and learn.....I will offer it up and let what is supposed to happen, happen.