Monday, November 16, 2009


I know I am bad- I promised myself I would blog this weekend but I got busy with the boy and then yesterday was all about chillaxing. Sorry! Or as all the Canadians in my life would say (and suddenly there are a lot of them sore-ee!!)

I guess I have been reluctant to sit down and put pen to paper (so to speak) because there is one last big can of worms in my life to crack open and it is the only thing that is on my mind. I can't sleep because of it and I think about it pretty much every minute of everyday. It's the last wall to break down and the last hurdle to leap over but the bitch of it is that it is totally and utterly out of my control.

I really don't even know now as I write this if I dare "go public". My faithful readers (love ya) know what a delicate balance I have created here in sharing MY life but not dragging anyone else into it-or at least minimizing the collateral damage as much as possible. When I have written about people in my life it has been with their advanced permission and blessing (for the most part). If I dare to crack open this will cross that line. It is by far the most painful thing in my life and I don't know that I can move on without dealing with it and for better or worse this sacred space has been my tool for dealing with the deep dark creepy crawly scary memories and experiences that have held me back. I have become quite convinced that I have gone as far as I can in my health crusade and what is holding me back from crossing the finish line of where I want and need to be is this issue.

To say I am scared is the understatement of the century. I know how words hurt. Even ones you believe in and believe to be true. Even truth can be a rock that shatters. Shatters people, shatters lives, shatters families and all the relationships you hold dear. And you can never know where its gonna stop. Just because I feel the need to tell my version of the truth, that's not to say that there isn't another perfectly valid version and it's not fair that because I am holding the mike and I have the stage that the other version, whatever it is, true or not, gets told. And once cracked the glass will never be whole again. And let's face it, if this one gets out of the bag it won't be a crack it will be a full on tsunami of damage. The kind that people never heal from.

So yeah....I am reluctant to "go there" even though I honestly feel that if I don't the cost may be my soul. Or at least my piece of mind. And given that I am on the verge of shedding this old skin (literally once I get my surgery) and becoming the person I was meant to be- I don't know if I can hold on to this chunk of my life, my history, and still move forward. My future is precious to me and it is RIGHT THERE, Chris is standing before me with his hand extended. He will love and protect me for the rest of my life (and me him) and we are gonna have a family and live fantastically fabulous lives.......but not if I still am holding on to this.

I know its time to toss the ballast overboard so we can really sail. It's time to let go and give my heart the peace I need. I need to love and forgive and let I ready?

That is the question....stay tuned for the answer.

(Oh, or give me a call if YOU figure it out!!)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Trac, you are one of the strongest women I know. You have found the determination to do what so many people only dream of. I will pray for guidance and comfort for you as you struggle with the way to crack the glass. It sounds as though you realize it must happen, it's just the how that remains the puzzle. Love ya! Nikki