Two things are rolling through my head right now. One is the emotional roller coaster I went on this past week as I let myself get super excited about a boy only to have him flake out on me- for the second time.
The second is addiction- I have been TiVo'ing the series "Sober House" about a bunch of reality-celebs getting out of rehab and struggling to live in the real world now as sober individuals.
What ties these two things together is they both come down to just a bunch of BS....belief systems. I have mentioned before that I have taken a lot of leadership development classes and this comes directly from Rapport Leadership International (I want to give credit where credit is due). We all have our BS that we drag around with us. Our belief systems talk to us constantly. They tell us who we are, what we deserve, what we can and can't do. They are the little voices that whisper things to us. They can be disgusting, evil bastards that tell us- we can't, you don't deserve, you aren't worth it.
Or they can lift us up- you can, you are, you will. It all depends on what your BS looks like.
Oh, and you didn't get you BS on your own. For that- you can blame your parents.
You grew up and as you did you were taught or had passed to you your parents BS. Yep, blame away- they did it to you. However, before you go to far blaming your parents please realize they the same thing happened to them. They got -their-BS from their parents, and so on and so on. The BS we were given as a child from our parents (or even siblings) got hard wired into us. It is part of our most basic and carnal identity of ourselves and all our constructs about who we are and what we are capable of go back to this BS we have about ourselves.
I have so many friends who believe, because of their BS about who they are, deep in the heart of hearts they KNOW that they are only ever gonna earn "x" income. They only are ever gonna live in "x" size house. They are only ever gonna have "x" achievement in their lifetime and they are ok with that. It is the box they live in and it is their comfort zone which is consistent with their BS system. If it wasn't within their BS system those little bastard voices would be doing their work to bring you down to where they think you should be.
This is why getting out of your comfort zone is so uncomfortable- it pisses off your BS and when they get pissed they get evil. They are the ones that make you feel sad and insecure and they are the reasons you sabotage yourself and get in your own way. Do what they say and you will be comfy but will never grow and never have the hopes of changing your BS to include a different idea of yourself.
Yes, you can change your BS. Those addicts I was watching last night are making different choices that are driving their BS (that they are addicts and powerless over their disease) crazy and when your BS is challenged all kinds of emotional drama gets shaken lose. To change your BS you have to recognize where it came from, acknowledge it and understand it and then know that you can choose to listen to it OR make another choice. Sound easy? It's not. This is the hardest thing to do in the world and this is why so many people give up and nothing ever changes for them.
My BS kept me from taking control of my weight my whole life. I am fat, most of my family is fat. It is who we are and how I saw myself. Period. It wasn't until I really understood that that box I had built for myself, those walls that I lived within? I had to understand that -I- built those walls. Not only did I build them but I could move them.
So I did.
Some time way later I realized that not only could I move those walls, but the truth was......there are no walls at all!!
(think the Matrix, there is no spoon)
This is a huge huge huge step to take and most people will be so afraid to go against what their BS is telling them that they will never get there. They will continue to live in their comfort zone, their safe little box and that is OK if that is what they want to do. But if you ever allow yourself to climb a tree and get out on the skinny branches you will see the highest and clearest view you have ever seen and know that you are more than your BS and you can do anything.
Not that the BS ever goes away. This week I let myself get carried about my the thought of a hot sexy guy who wanted me. It was everything I want and know I deserve but my BS was there whispering to me the whole time that it wasn't gonna work, I can never get a guy like that, it was all gonna crash and burn and in a very sick, twisted way I was allowing myself to get my hopes up as a punishment and justification that I will never get what I want. I was letting my BS sabotage me and it did a fantastic job. See? This is what happens when you dare to hope, says my BS, now go back to the couch cuz you are always gonna be alone.
I know better, I know I have so many more chances. I also know that whatever is going on with my boy has nothing to do with me- that is his BS at work. He has something holding him back, sabotaging him from getting what he wants and for that I feel very very bad for him.
I learned the whole "that had nothing to do with me" lesson when I was living in Chicago. I was doing the online dating thing and met this guy who lived in the city. We talked and hit it off. He was flying back from a business trip and I took the train (I lived in the suburbs) and met him at the train station. He picked me up in his town car (complete with his own driver) and we went to his brownstone. We got a bit cozy and then walked a couple of blocks to this Chinese place around the corner. He got very weird when we were walking and saw his pants in the window of his dry cleaners and started freaking out that he needed those pants for a meeting tomorrow...wtf right? We get to the restaurant and ordered and he was way fidgety. He got up suddenly, said he had to make a call and walked outside. I sat there. And waited. A few mins later the waitress brought over a note from him. It said "I can't do this" and had $100 cash in it.
I was mortified. Horrified.
I bolted just as our food was brought out. I paid and told them I didn't want the food, they tried to wrap it up for me but I just had to get away from the scene of the crime asap. I got in the taxi and gave the driver the rest of the $100 as a tip. I didn't want his money and felt like a cheap dirty whore. I got to the train station and called him leaving a scathing message then ripped up his number (for my own sanity so I was never tempted to call again) and got on the train to go home.
A few days later after the initial sting wore off I realized that the whole ugly scene had utterly nothing to do with me. It could not possibly have been me, he didn't even get to know me. Whatever went down that night was all his crazy BS and with that I could let it go and save the lesson I learned but let go of any other feelings about the experience.
So that is today's lesson kids....spend some time thinking about those voices that tell you no and realize that is all just a pile of BS and then, make a different choice!