Just getting by

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Just getting by

Current mood: blank

Category: Life

This was just one of those "hold on and let's get through it" kinda weeks. Nothing really good happened but nothing horribly bad either. I know anyone who has followed my "moods" this week might beg to differ but all the shit that went down was mostly annoying work stuff. A pain in the ass but overall fairly minor.

I did have a bit of a throw down with my beloved weight loss clinic. It seems right when I hit my first plateau- only lost 6 lbs of fat this month (12 lbs total). They are switching up the product. The problem is they told the girls at the clinic (and they told the patients) that things were changing with no information or education at all. So I go in with a shit ton of questions to my doctors appt on Thursday and let's just say the doc was undereducated as well. The center Director was there though and after a long explanation -on my part- on exactly what they did to fuck up this roll out/transition and how they damn well better fix it in a hurry she promised me she would personally work with me to make sure all my questions were answered. Which is great and I am sure it will all be fine but yet again, for the thousandth time I have to ask myself why oh why does it have to be so hard to get people to do the right thing? I seriously don't get it and it is beyond frustrating.

Anyways....the stepping up the social life has been going good as well. Last week I hit my former coworkers engagement party where she became a sloppy hot mess and...well let's just say my evening turned into a Katy Perry song. Last night I had a girls night movie date with a friend yet someone we ended up at Eagle Eye instead of Secret Life of Bees and her bf and son tagged along....hmmmm, still not sure how that happened. Now today I am getting ready to go to my new friend's house for a candle party, which normally I don't like but I have been promised it is less candle party and more excuse to hang out. So, I'm in.

Yeah, I know not my most stunning or brilliant and witty post ever but there ya go. It is what is it....

Later y'all.....

Oh, and thanks for all the comments about my new look.I like it as well!! :)

Crossroads

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Crossroads

Current mood: thoughtful Category: Life

Hello kittens-

It's been an odd last few days. Not in a good or bad way but I def. feel like I have hit a plateau and am now entering phase 2 of whatever you want to call the journey that this year has been. I mean that pretty much across the board although the weight loss story is probably the anchor for feeling like now is a shift.

First there is the family. I just feel like for the most part we have seen the worst of it (raw bleeding throbbing grief) come out and while we will all struggle with finding a way each and everyday for the rest of our lives of how to get over loosing my brother (it's like it didn't happen once but it keeps happening a thousand times a day because each time you think of him it's like it happened all over again) it is shifting into a new type of "dealing with it". I guess I mainly feel that way because of my niece and sister. Theirs is not my story to tell or share but suffice to say that I really feel they have both turned a corner and are getting the help they need to get to a place where it's not all so raw all the time. And I will be here to support them as much as I can.
As far as my weight loss I am for sure at a crossroads. My dropping pounds has slowed down a lot and that's because I have been adding a lot more activity into my schedule. You have to consider when you are eating 800 calories a day if you exercise too much you will be cutting into calories your body needs for other stuff not to mention that I am now building muscle -which is good of course- but muscle weighs more than fat so that may also be offsetting the pounds coming off. I have to talk to my doc next week to see what adjustments I need to make and decide if I want to keep working out as much but slow down on the weight loss -or- figure out how much I need to cut back my activity so I am still dropping at a good clip. We will have to see but I do feel good about the activity I have worked up to- I have been walking a mile a day on the days I don't do yoga and on yoga days I have 90 min classes.I finish my intro series on Tuesday and then will be getting into the regular classes, although I am still going to take the more basic beginners class. Baby steps!!

**side note- my class on Tuesday totally kicked my ass! We went through all the basic yoga forms so we could learn the root pose then go into more advanced variations from there. O M G is all I gotta say. It was all good stuff but when she started getting us into the inversion (upside down) poses I swear I turned a shade whiter than I already am- which as you know is saying something! I did find variations I can do at home and have ordered my own yoga mat and bolster cushion so I can start practicing at home as well. Yay!

Plus the program I am on is changing the food I eat so I am a bit concerned about that. I need to talk to the doc more about this new product they are shifting to and get more info but I have already thought if this is something I could do on my own at this point? I am not sure but I did go ahead and ordered a scale so I can measure my BMI (body mass index), water weight and muscle mass at home which I get measured now at the clinic. I just don't want to change what is working!

I also think I can feel a shift because I had a big build up of negative emotions from all the change (or lack of progress) bottle up and what set me off is how depressing it was to have a closet full of clothes that don't fit and are super baggy on me. I mean, the reward of loosing weight is to get into those cute clothes right? Well I hit the wall hard on Thursday and couldn't take it anymore so I used my friend Meegan's engagement party as an excuse to go out and get some new clothes (and a haircut and color- why the fuck not right?). Not that it was really in the budget (especially after I bought all the new yoga stuff as well) but eff it- had to be done so I opened up a new store charge card and went and got 3 new pairs of pants and 2 new shirts (saved $50 on it- yay sales) and as vain as it sounds that made me feel so much better instantly. I went shopping on my lunch hour (since I don't eat lunch) and was so happy with what I got I changed into the new stuff as soon as I got back to my office. If you looked at my new pics the black and white shirt and black pants are the new outfit. It just really made all the difference and made me feel like I was in a new bucket and by that I mean size brackets. You know how you feel when you are jump into the next age bracket on magazine surveys? Well this is like jumping down a bracket instead of going up. The size I am now is a size I, for the love of god, could not tell you when I was last in- especially in pants! In fact, I spoke to a few friends of mine who are also starting the diet and when I told them my new size and it was lower (or close to) where they are now they were like "hey!" which I totally get btw, you never want the person who was always bigger than you to pass you up so now we are gonna have a little supportive competition. :)

The new size isn't just about the number either- I am sure it is just as much internal as external but I am feeling a shift inside myself of how the world looks at me. As much as we all want to say we love people for who they are judgements are a fact of life. A heavily tatooed guy walks by you the reaction is "wow, he looks cool" or "wow, what a freak". Snap judgements, can't help it. And now I feel like I am being viewed just a bit differently where I am not the super fat girl but more of "heavyset" girl. Small distinction I know but trust me it makes a world of difference in how you get treated by people.

Oh, and before I forget- I have had several heartfelt comments and apologies based on my earlier rants about people being insensitive (Who I was, who I am, who I will become). So I want to say thanks for the comments and support and you were not one of the people I was talking about and please don't be afraid to comment back to me. I know the people reading this are my true friends and you guys can say whatever you like. Just know that this is my safe place to rant and get things off my chest and for the purpose of writing I may be overly general but it's preaching to the choir for you guys. You already know and understand what I am saying or are gaining understanding by listening to me and ergo, are not who I am talking about. And not that I don't accept the backhanded support- I do see if for what is it but it would be rude and ungrateful to unleash that rant on them even though it is what I think so I let it out here where its safe so people don't think I am a total ungrateful bitch and I get to pour those thoughts out of my head. Winner winner, chicken dinner. Hope that clears that one up and thanks for the love.....

Open up and say- Ohm

Friday, October 10, 2008

Open up and say- Ohm

Current mood: indescribable

Category: Life

This month I have had my grill checked, oil changed and fluids checked. I am also going to be getting a diagnostics done in a week or so...(** for all you "non- NASCAR folks" that translates to I have had my teeth cleaned, went to the ob/gyn and had blood work done. And next week I am going to have my first mammogram- fun fun!!) Ok, I have no idea why I went all redneck on you but it sounded so funny in my head I had to write it like that. You may think this blog is entertaining to you but make no mistake, I am out to amuse myself first everytime. Heh
I am not sure how October became "self maintenance month" but there ya go. And just so my eyes don't feel left out let it be known that I got new glasses earlier this year. When I said it was an all out campaign to get and stay healthy- I wasn't foolin! I will have my blood work back next week and will report the results as soon as I get it- that's for all my medical peeps in the crowd. I am very interested to see what my cholesterol (and HDL/LDL) is now. I have been taking Fish Oil and Niacin to lower/raise whatever one needs to be lower and/or raised so I am hoping for good news. Also on the good news front is I hit the 120 mark. I just had a friend see me who hasn't seen me for 4 months and I have to say his reaction was the first literal "jaw dropping" expression I have got from anyone. It was pretty cool. He has seen the myspace pics but said they in no way do justice to the live version (as if a mere photo could capture the fabulocity that is me-heh).

I was hoping to get a family reaction but my sister and bro-in-law are not here as planned. I am super bummed (even though it was the right call) because I am not gonna be able to afford to fly home ($700 to fly to IA- I don't flipping think so). So I have no idea when I will see anyone in my fam again. I did just talk to my dad and they said they might come out this winter which is great - btw, if ANYONE back home does want to come out and see me- which I welcome- NOW is the time to come. It is so nice here now and sitting outside at night in the 70 degree weather in November totally rocks. It is bliss! Check your calendar and pack a bag!

Ok- now the yoga update which so many people have been asking me about. As I have already alluded to in my "status" comments I was sore for a few days...wait, let me go back and properly recap. The class was Tuesday night at 7:15. I got home from work and did my therapy/self massage early so I could still fit it in but ended up only doing 40 mins instead of the full hour I do everyday. I usually do it bare legged but because I had to wear my compression garments for the yoga class I did the therapy with them on which was way hot- think stocking, 2 layers of plastic that inflate and squeeze your legs- it was icky and sweaty BUT had to be done. So by this time that was done I must admit I started to get very nervous. I am not sure why I was so anxious other than the fact that I had never ever done a formal exercise class before EV-er. So I get all packed up- towel (check), bottle of water (check), pants to pull over my biker shorts (check- the world is not ready for me in biker shorts in public...yet). I got to the center and was handed a little postcard to fill out and list and medical concerns and then sat to wait to be taken into the studio where our class was....as people started filing in there was def a nervous tension in the air.(Btw- for all you Rapport grads I had TOTAL Rapport flashback and kept expecting Rapport like stuff to start happening- that was totally my mind frame). We got walked into the room which was good sized and only one wall was mirrored (sit as far as possible from mirrored wall- check!). There was meditation music playing and the air smelled like lavendar and peppermint (with a sweaty undertone) and mats with blankets were layed out. The mat had 2 blankets and a bolster cushion on it and we were told to lay down on our back using one blanket as a pillow and rest the back of our knees on the bolster. Then class began with a reading and relaxation mediation. I am not sure I actually relaxed at all cuz I kept expecting her to shout "now jump up and do an inverted back bend!!" Well that did not happen, we did some stretching, she gave an intro/overview and then each of the 10 class members talked about what brought us there. Pretty much everyone was a total newbie to yoga which was great and while one girl was a athlete the class was a total mix of age, body type and ability. I am pleased to say I rated about the middle of the pack overall. God knows I was not the fittest but there were def. folks there who had most problems than I (like Mike who started off explaining how he tends to fall over a lot and not to worry about it when he does- he was in a car accident and his balance is way off. I kept waiting for the ::thud:: of a body hitting the floor but he did well). I got through all of the poses except for "downward facing dog". I am not quite ready for that yet but the thing I liked most about the class was how they explained the yoga philosophy. Yoga, (she said) is all about the mind and body connection and getting your mind to be aware of, and comfortable in the body. She said dull ,ache-y, stretchy pain- good. Warm and shaky muscles after getting warmed up and used- good. Sharp, hot ,stabby pain- not so good. She was so good about telling us that if we got into a pose and it didn't work, change it up until it felt good (as long as you were in the proper alignment). She honestly musy have said "that's OhhhKayyyy" about a zillion times and with each time she said it I think the whole class relaxed. The time flew right by and we ended with meditation as well- which almost became naptime cuz it was so late.

The class finished at 9:30 then I came home- ate dinner (packet of tuna) and drank my liter of water, rolled my bandages then rolled up my legs. Needless to say it was 11:30 by the time I got to bed and by then I was soooo tired I could barely move. The next morning I got up and the first thing I thought was- I have never been more aware of my own ass in my life. It hurt- as did many other parts but (as I kept saying ,and in my own way payin hommage to the great John Cougar) it all hurt so good. Sore- but good sore and not so sore I couldn't move or didn't want to do it again. In fact- there is a class tomorrow (Sat) I think I am going to hit. They offer a discount to students who are taking the intro series and have beginner classes- "gentle" which focuses on breathing and stretching and "gentle" which focuses on the poses. I am going to hit the "gentle" class tomorrow and after the intro series is over my plan is to hit 2 classes a week and walk on the days I don't do a class. And to aid with the walking (30-45 mins around my condo complex) I got a pedometer today and 2 lb hand weights. Am I bad ass or what? Oh, and cuz, well I just had to....I got a super cool yoga mat and bag (ordered online- should have it next week). You don't need one for class cuz they have mats and cushions there but I do want to practice at home (so when I am out of the intro class I don't look like a total ass in the regular classes) so I will need a mat then. And...it's really pretty! It's brown background with a pretty floral design embroidered in ice blue. Sweet.

Ok....beyond that men suck and I don't like them at all (nieces please avert your eyes) all I can say is thank god for YouPorn and the Rabbitt. I'm just sayin!

::bow::: Namaste

A Big Steaming Pile

Monday, October 06, 2008

A Big Steaming Pile

Current mood: betrayed

Category: Life

Crap....everything is crap right now. I'd apologize for the overly vivid visual if I gave a fuck but right now I don't so there ya go....deal with it.

Family- pretty much pissed, concerned, worried , frustrated and angry at almost everyone of them for various reasons. If you are related to me and wonder which of these buckets you fall into by ALL MEANS give me a call and I can enlighten you- oh, but wait that would require the people I share DNA with to use a communication device beyond telepathy and actually...you know...communicate! God forbid we ever ever EVER learn anything about keeping in touch and being there for each other- even when someone is in crisis. So yeah, you stick your heads in the sand or whatever you do to ignore people who love you but you would rather do....I don't even know what....than offer any help or support. Yeah, I said it. I mean it and I am NOT going to apologize for it. You know who you are and exactly what I am talking about.

Work- total crap. Apparently there is no need at ALL for anyone to be concerned or take ANY action when an entire office is unable to get online for an entire DAY. Time is who's money?? Not mine, I still get paid so who cares?? Who indeed....

Love Life- you guess? Yup....a bit wet pile of you know what. And it's the kind that sticks to your shoe and you can never ever scrap it off....like that "person" who you know is bad for you but you just can't wash it off? Yeah, juuuust like that.

Health- well better than it was but still pretty crappy. (but at least is 116 lbs less crappy than it was)

Finances- what's the phrase? Can't even afford to pay attention....yeah. Guess who will NOT be shelling out $700 for a plane ticket to Iowa (not France, not Belize- I O W A) for what will be the world's sucky-est xmas ever no matter how you cut it or where I am when it happens??

Yeah, so in conclusion my life is one big crapball right now.

PS- For those who were looking forward to and supporting my sister and brother in law's Rapport PC grad it is canceled (for now) but will be rescheduled due to the above crisis I alluded too. I am beyond crushed about the whole damn situation for a multitude of reasons.

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Who I was, Who I am, Who I may become

Who I was, Who I am, Who I may become

Current mood: pissed off

Category: Life

I know, it is a rare mid-week blog. I usually don't have time to blog during the week (and don't really have the time tonight either) but I feel compelled to defend someone. Three someones actually and what they all have in common is- they are all me. I have had the chance to see a few old friends recently and also via myspace and facebook (which I am still not a big fan of and no matter how many times I get "super poked" I will not find it any less annoying or juvenille...and if -I- am calling something juvenille you know its out there, but I am not judging. Poke away and know I love you even if I "ignore" the shit out of you).

The same conversation keeps happening and its really beginning to piss me off. It goes something like this:

them: ohmigosh, I can't believe it's you, how have you done it, how is it going, what is your goal, I am so impressed......

(this I appreciate and thanks so much to everyone who has said a version of the above to me)

them: How do youuuuuu feEEEeeeeeeellllllllll???

Me: I think we all know my opinion about this question by now (warning, warning....this is heading for dangerous ground!!)

them: ohmigosh, you are a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON, I just can't believe HOW MUCH YOU HAVE CHANGED and GOTTEN BETTER and YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE NOW...

So this is where I have to draw a line and make a HUGE statement to the world. I was never broken so I do not need fixed!! Any variation of that last bit will henceforth cause me to start going OFF! This is why I need to go back to Tracey of last year (and the 37 years before that) and defend her. She is cool! Anyone who doesn't know that I feel really badly for. Don't get me wrong, she has her issues and problems like everyone else but all is all she is a waaaay cool chick. (I am using the present tense btw because she is still very much present in my head and my life- I see her everyday in the mirror and would be happy to let her know you say "hey"). After all, isn't everyday "take your inner child to work day"?? She is warm and damn witty and a good friend. She was- and is now more than ever- wrongly judged and put in whatever box judgemental people like to cubbyhole those who make them feel something that they don't like in themselves- so they have to throw stones at others. The bastards have to bring people down so they feel they are above them. That Tracey will always live inside of me and while I have chosen, for what you all know to be deeply personal reasons, to make different choices than I have in the past, it was not because I ever, for ONE MINUTE, thought I needed to "change". And frankly, if anyone reading this ever felt that way- thank you for your time but get the hell off my blog!

I don't know if any of you remember my post "The Jared Effect..or Why you are Never gonna see my Fat Pants" (posted April 14th- one of my personal faves) but I hold true to that rant. I HATE the way we make anyone who is overweight feel like utter shit about themselves. Especially when the whole game is about being strong enough on the inside to realize that you are wearing the ruby slippers RIGHT NOW and have the power to "go home" (loose weight) ANYTIME you want. God, that is the hardest battle ever ever ever to fight and win and for the poor souls who get enough courage to start trying to do something (anything) and get shot down with lame ass comments about how much BETTER they will be and for allllll those fuckers on commercials who wave -their- Fat Pants and declare "I am a different person- that was the OLD me". Seriously, what was wrong with you before? NOTHING! Choices don't define the whole person. Is it a part? Of course. But I was never a "bad person" because I chose to eat a half gallon of ice cream for dinner. I made a bad choice but I was always a good person. I am just so sick of people judging who I was so Past Tracey...please know I will always be in your corner and never ever will let anyone put you down. You didn't deserve it then and you don't deserve it now.

Ok, so Present Tracey is a butterfly still emerging (wow, I think I just channeled Mariah Carey for a second ::shake::: ok, she's gone now). So I won't say much to defend her except to say she doesn't deserve any of the judgements Past Tracey got either and she especially does not deserve to be put in a position where she has to justify herself or her past. MY choices, MINE. I know I am chosing to be public and with that invites a certain level of vunerability to negative comments but just because you (the general, global you-not YOU specifically) make them it still does not give you the right to do it.

Now on to Future Tracey. She's gonna be cool, witty, you are allll gonna want to hang with her and will be very proud of her. That's all great and expected and I, along with all y'all ,can't wait to meet her. BUT- please know this right now. She is NO BETTER than the other 2. Will she be different from Past and Present Tracey? Of course, because she will have had experiences and challenges that Past Tracey could not know and Future Tracey could not have got without Present Tracey. I know she will get a different reaction from people and when they learn her story will have the same reaction as above. I hearby declare that I and anyone else who finds Future Tracey acting the bitch and trying to distance or put down the other 2 will get the beatdown, ass kicking of her life. I WILL NOT HAVE IT. Seriously, I am not going through all of this to become someone else. I LIKE me- I am fucking AMAZING. This process is much more about embracing ALL the parts of me- not just the cool bits that most of you guys got to know and love (which I thank you and love you all fiercely for).

This is about looking in the mirror (which you know I do A LOT of these days) and giving myself credit for where I was (which was never BAD), where I am (on a journey and making DIFFERENT CHOICES) and where I will be ... and the rest of the world can fuck off!

Oh, and this is not a "girl power" moment and anyone who posts a comment along the lines of "you go girl" may get kicked in the vag. I'm just saying....