So let me start by saying what a horrible girlfriend I am. Lord knows I never got the practice I should have got when I should have been getting it so poor Chris is stuck with what he has- a hot mess of a girlfriend (some of the time).
The short version of the story is that it is Chris's turn to have all kinds of crazy life stuff happening and while I should be stepping up and being strong for him instead I chose to fall apart and make life worse. In my (weak) defense it is something that has been slowly building up over time- not just one random occurrence that caused me to fall apart. But...fall apart I did and I shouldn't have. It was wrong and unfair and as much as I couldn't help it I am very very sorry that is happened the way that it did.
Now lucky for me I have a boy who can not only deal with and accept my craziness but he even leaps tall building in a single bound to make sure I have what I need from him- even when he doesn't have enough of him to go around. ***I will study this trick and do my best to perfect it. If I could bottle it I could solve the world's problems!
We had a long talk yesterday and with all the worlds events: Haiti, vets coming home and not finding jobs, the economy. It is easy to see that we have it pretty good. We can (mostly) pay our bills (kinda close-ish) on time and we both have jobs (hopefully he will soon have a better one) and we have each other. And I agree and I am utterly, totally and eternally grateful for all of that.....and yet, why was I so frustrated? Why so needy?
Maslow has a lovely chart of needs and how if one isn't met you can't move on to the rest and he said stuff a long time ago that people still listen to so he must be right. My question to myself is.....is it ok to want more when other people have so much less? And I think the answer is- yes.
I don't think I will ever be totally satisfied with life (sorry baby- consider this your warning) because I see more and I want more- all the time. Not just for me- although the lesson I learned very well over the last few years is to make sure your own safety is secure before you try to save anyone else. But yeah, I do want to help other people and the stronger I am (we are) the better I will be able to do that. I am driven by the "....but why??!!" question.
Yeah, sometimes (more than I would like) it comes from a whiny and selfish place but sometimes it is what helps me power through some pretty tough obstacles. The why question is a good one cuz every once in a while there is no answer (objection) and the green light is given and the whole world opens a brand new door that was sealed shut before.
And your needs are -your needs- and sometimes other things are more pressing and important but it doesn't make your needs any less important. They are and if they truly are real needs they absolutely need met for you to function. The un-met need is like pulling the batteries out of the energizer bunny. It just can't function.
I will in no way compare the need I was feeling to not having food or shelter or water but it was important to me and I am so lucky and yes- so very grateful to my love for meeting my needs.