Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy Calendar Flipping

So it's here- the time of year I hate. The day on the calendar that is like pouring acid into a not yet healed wound. The day I wish the whole world would ignore not have a global party on. Why can't it just be the day we flip the calendar? Must we draw so much attention to it? New Years Eve/Day was never my favorite Holiday in the best of times but now it is just a reminder of how long ago it is that I lost my brother.

Last year I embraced the horror and I spent the whole Holiday period reliving each painful moment of the year before (feel free to review the archives). It was cathartic and I needed to get out all that pain. I still have the visual of letting my memories roam about a soft, warm, protected pasture where they can be at peace. But that is not to say that there are not still scars. I still feel that pain. My eye still sting with tears at the most random moments thinking about him. I broke down just the other day as I was playing with art- I wondered if he would mock me (probably) but secretly be proud of me for being creative. I'll never know.

And there are additional losses this year like losing my Grandma to add to the burden of losing Troy. I don't want that, I don't want my memories of those I have loved and lost to be burdens. I keep hoping that I will find peace, that any second now the sharp edges of those memories will soften and I can hold them close again without shredding myself raw. That time has not come yet.

So this year we are going with denial. I am going to do my best to not think of the pink elephant in the room and just going on living. I hope that while I am busy doing that some of the edges might get ground down.

So :::shaking it off, throwing my shoulders back:::

I am doing my usual re-set to see where I am and where I want to go in 2010. I kick started this by getting a haircut and chopping 8 inches off my hair. New year, new look. I also started to Acai Berry cleanse. There is a 14 day weight flushing (and they do mean flushing) and then there is a 14 day fat burning cleanse. I am hoping this clears out the crud and helps get me revved up and on track for my new weight loss goals. My goal is to hit 175. I haven't locked down a timeline yet but I am thinking by summer for sure. I am just going to be gentle about it and aim for getting back into good eating habits and consistent workouts. I am super excited to have Chris help me and exercise with me as well.

I also want to bring Chris back to Iowa sometime in the spring to meet my whole Iowa tribe. WE are so lucky to have each other and I am so thrilled to have him and can't wait to get our life together started. With that comes a whole chain of goals and decisions to be made that we are working on together. Stay tuned for updates.

I am just doing my best to stay humble and grateful and be glad for the family I do have, my friends, my job and most of all for my love Chris. With all that good stuff going how can 2010 not be the best year ever? And hopefully next year the edges will have softened a bit more.

All my love to you my friends....

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