Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Learning to Walk

I read a quote today and this is paraphrasing but it went something like "As I grow I don't change so much as I become more fully myself." I have been turning this over in my mind all day and kinda mulling it over. It def fits where I am in my life right now. The task I have at hand is to get to know this version of me as I become "more fully myself".

I guess I like it because it gives the impression that we are all walking a path. I have this visual of being a glass and each step forward fills that glass up just a drop more.....soon the glass will be filled and you will be who you were meant to be, unless of course you are me and that glass gets spilled all over and you have to start over that is.

What I do know is I am more afraid right now than I have ever been- of everything. I am so unsure and unsteady and I have been having the worst dreams I can recall, all about someone or something being taken from me as I watch helplessly.

After talking to Chris I realized just how much of what I do and what drives me is fear based. I must admit I was taken back by this fact. I thought I was mastering my own destiny and taking control (grabbing life by the ballz and taking names) but really I am in blind panic mode. Everything seems so delicate now and it feels like it could all be taken away in a flash. I feel like I am barely holding on to my place in this world at times and I am just worried about how easily it can be taken away. Some of it is rational and some not so much. Like I still panic just a little but everyday that Chris is gonna find that fatal flaw and leave me. I know in my soul that isn't so and won't happen but those fears keep whispering to me "it could happen, couldn't it??". Then of course with my recent employment history (4 jobs in one year- yay me!) its no shock that I am more than a little concerned about the longevity of this job (compounded by the fact that it is a contract role). Even my family I feel (in some cases with very good reason) that those relationships aren't as solid as they could be.

So what to do? That is part of what has brought me to this place where I know I need to stick a pin in my life and just get on solid ground for a little while. I was showing Chris a pair of shoes with 2 inch heels that I could have never worn before (because of the lymphodema) and now they are my faves and my most comfy pair and he made a profound observation. He looked at me and said "you are learning to walk all over again."

And so I am, and by walking around in these new "more fully me" shoes and just being more aware and actually taking a minute to take a breathe, look around and just BE I hope some of those fears will settle down. I don't want my life ruled by fear and so I will walk until these shoes get as comfy as my bedroom slippers!!

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