Sunday, October 11, 2009


Just when you think its safe to get back it the water- KABAM! Something comes at you from left field. I have been keeping a low profile lately to do some internal inventory but mostly because I have been focused on some issues/problem that are affecting the people I love most in this world. As I have said before many times their issues are not mine to talk about or share here. I would never do that to them but if you know my family just please do reach out and send them some love and support. We could all use some...

How this has affected me is...complicated. I wish I could say I was being the rock they could cling to or the soft place where they can land but I'm not. I can't help feel like I have failed them all in a big way. Chris and I have talked about it and because he is here with me and as much as he loves my family (as much as you can without meeting them) because he loves me he is most concerned about how I deal with their issues. How do I deal with it? Not well. I tend to take responsibility for not being there and not being able to fix them. Yes, I know I don't have that power and its not my job to fix them. I know that but it's still what I want with all my heart and soul to do. And I feel so guilty for not being there. I want to be able to drive over and sit down and hug and cry with them. I want to be able to yell and scream and kick their ass when they need it. But all I can do is call or text or scour facebook for little hints of how they are doing. It's so frustrating and it makes me heartsick.

It doesn't matter the specifics of what's going on. The details are just incidental to the bigger issues which is.....we are all scarred. (btw- even notice how close the words scarred and scared are? I don't think that is an accident)

I won't blame my brother's death for all of it because my gene pool is just predisposed to depression and all its fun little sick kicks already. That fact just turns up the volume on everything else. But it is certainly the tsunami that my family is still rebuilding will be 2 years on December 31st and it might as well have been yesterday some days. The hole and the void of losing Troy plus the loss of my grandmother thjis year. who I have come to see was and is the soul of our family, has thrown us all into a tailspin so devastating that we are all still spinning. I know any illusion that I have come to some kind of peace about it has been just that- an illusion. And the worst part is I have let it spill into other areas of my life.

I have let the fact that all this family drama has flared up as an excuse to not stay focused on my health and as a result I have not worked out consistently since the beginning of July. I have let go of personal relationships and when I am not with Chris I am content to sit in my condo alone and just hide. I thought I was taking a breather and letting myself catch up with where I am at emotionally but the truth is I am hiding. I am also getting into some pretty bad self sabotaging habits like getting "treats" for myself. I keep telling myself a cookie here are there won't hurt and yet all of the sudden it has become a rare day where I don't find myself "treating" then justifying the reasons. Then I tell myself its ok to have the cookie or latte if I work out when I get home but by that time I do I am so overwhelmed by the day I just collapse and hide.

And worst of all I have let this fear affect my relationship with Chris. Last week was a very sad week and we were both very hurt because I was totally blind to something that he needed from me but in my own bubble I couldn't see or understand. He is so protective and understanding it took a major blow up to make me understand. I hate being wrong and I was, very wrong and it killed me to be the cause of pain to the man I love with all my heart. I never want that to happen again. (Again, I am so sorry baby)

My scars are deep and they are everywhere I look. My whole body right now is a reminder of a life of pain and loneliness. Every inch of sagging and droopy skin reminds me of how long I have spent hating myself and getting in my own way and every time I go for that "treat" I am telling myself "you aren't worth it" and that is not what I want. Every glance in the mirror shows me sad and empty eyes full of pain.

I have said so many times here life is about choices and my bad bad BS (belief system) has been in control. I see that I have real potential to be happy and successful and so my BS is waging a war to sabotage me and I have been doing a darn good job of letting it.

The scars go deeper than that though. The physical scars are easy to deal with, someday I will get the surgery I need to tighten things up and lift them where they should be but the ones on my heart... those are tougher to heal. I may never get to a place where I am not afraid. I just feel like I have lost so much I am terrified every day that I will gain all the weight back, that I will lose Chris, that I will lose another family member, that I will never get out of my own way once and for all. It goes on and on and its such a struggle. It's exhausting....

All I can do it just work on it and keep improving. Chris and I went to the zoo yesterday and did a ton of walking, granted it was after a breakfast of stuffed french toast and a cinnamon roll but we walked well over 10 miles. Then today I went back to the park and walked 7.5 miles . It's not losing 30 pounds but its something and rebuilding and getting back on track has to start somewhere and maybe the scars will never heal but that doesn't mean I have the right to stop trying....

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