Monday, September 21, 2009

Slow down and breathe.....

I have to apologise to my beloved blog readers.....I have been pulling away from you. Not on purpose mind you but for some reason I haven't been compelled to write recently. I have been having a good long think about that and a bunch of other things and I have come up with a few truths that I am working through. This is in no small way due to my wonderful boy who helped me talk a bunch of this stuff out on a beautiful date last week. Amazing how easy it is to find peace and clarity when you are surrounded by twinkly lights and listening to the splashing of a gorgeous fountain with the man you love with all your heart.

Hmmm, the boy. He is as good a place to start as any. You know, lemme back up actually. Starting with Chris is kinda jumping in the middle. So...backing up. You guys all know that a ton has changed for me over the last 2 years (and for those new readers who don't know read the archives then re-join us.....we'll wait.) What I have discovered is I am totally overwhelmed by all the change. It just doesn't stop. The changes in my life keep going off like a mine field in the middle of a battle. Now I have copped to being a change junkie but I don't want to become one of those people who have chaos be their "status quo". I want my change to be purposeful and lead me to a path where I find peace and comfort and serenity. I don't want mock 10 with my hair on fire to be my "go to" state.

So what's new besides everything? Seriously....since we lost Troy, and really tack on at least 6 months before that....there is not a single area of my life that isn't totally changed. The weight loss alone would be enough but that is just a piece. A big piece but its not the whole story. That being said- I knew I would change as a result of the journey I took in losing the 200+ lbs but what I have come to realize is I have not taken even a second to get to know me now. I have changed, I am not a whole new person but I have taken on so much new stuff and I haven't done a good job at assimilating this new "stuff" into who I am and then getting to know this enhanced version of myself. I am all brand new and I don't know who -this- me is yet.

I look in the mirror and for the most part it is still a surprise to see the face and body reflected back at me. This isn't the me I have known for over 35 years....this is a brand new person and I haven't even said "hello" and "welcome to the party" yet. I thought that was what I did when I went home in July but I was still so "in the process" there wasn't a chance to breathe let alone stop and take it all in. And it hasn't stopped since. So that is one small body, new girl. Who is she? I, for one, would like to get to know her.

Next....ahh yes, here is where the boy fits in. My wonderful, cuddly, cute, kind, and amazing boyfriend. Yes, MY boyfriend. It will be 4 months on the 25th and I wake up everyday stunned that someone like him loves me. And I know he loves me, I feel it with his every look and touch and even text how much he loves me....what I keep wondering is why?? I know I have earned a man like him I just can't believe he is really real. And the challenges we have already faced as a couple prove to me we can handle anything but this is so new to me. Honestly it has been so long since I have had a serious relationship and I have never been in love like this before. Funny how real love makes the relationships you tried to force into "love" status seem so pathetic. So being a girlfriend? Totally new territory....I have no idea who "Tracey the girlfriend" is let alone how she melds with this new Tracey that exists. It's an interesting layering process.

Then as one great love enters my life I have to acknowledge the truth that one of the most important relationships in my life is broken, perhaps forever. It may very well be beyond repair and while I cling to the shreds of hope- this loss will haunt me everyday and I ache for it.

Then as I look at the rest of my family....well let's just say I wish like hell I had a magic wand that I could just wave all the pain away. But I can't and I can only walk my path and give as much to them as I can while keeping my own head above water.

So that is what has been on my much change and I haven't done anything to deal with it. So what I have decided to do is just breathe, relax and settle into this life for a bit. I have a great new job that requires a lot of brain power and I am very excited about the challenges it has and the opportunity I have here to grow. I want to learn how to be a girlfriend, how to be the best girlfriend I can possibly be for my boy cuz he deserves the very best. He gives me so much and I want to make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him everyday. I want to be a good sister, aunt and daughter cuz my family needs me. And I want to get to know me.....I think I might like this chick, she's got some spunk to her- I can tell.

So if I have slowed down please understand that it is what I need to do. I love you but this space is first and foremost my healing place and it must always be that or else I'd be cheating us all.

So now, slow down and breathe me with.....we can get there.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's MACH 10!