Sunday, July 26, 2009


So my apologies to those who keep wandering back here only to find no new entries.....I have been going through the 50th level of hell and back. I honestly don't know if this piece of my life will ever find its way into this blog or not because yes, even in my life some things are just to painful and raw to put into words. My soul has been shredded and I feel like an empty husk. I could blow away with the next wind if I didn't have Chris holding tightly to me and watching over me every second of the day.

No, I am not in the grips of depression and despite the conclusions some people may jump to about my life (god forbid they actually ask me directly) I am not suicidal or on the same path my brother took. I am going through a deeply painful time in my life and I can tell you I am not the same person you saw in Iowa. The events of the past week have changed me forever.

The challenge ahead is to do with this what I have tried to do with all my experiences and that is to learn all the lessons I can learn from it and use it to become a better person and to help as many others help change their lives as possible. The good thing is that I now have a partner by my side who is dedicated to helping me do just that. Chris and I have big plans and together we will honor this time in our lives and we will use it to lift ourselves and as many people as we can to a better place.

Let me tell you about this man....Chris has stepped up and been there for me to hold me and love me and support me more than anyone ever has in my entire life. He holds tighter when some men would have run and he applauds my actions when others would be intimidated. He loves me and we are going to build a wonderful life together. I am deeply, passionately in love with him and if this week has shown me nothing else its that I was born to love him and he was meant to be in my life. I have no doubt he is my future and I am on my knees grateful to have him and I know he'd say the same about me. We have an equal partnership and we are going to build an extraordinary life together.

I am very much weakened by what has happened on every level and I know I am raising questions that you want to ask because you care about me/us but I ask you to respect that I will share what I can when it is in my heart to share it. This is far to precious to let out into a world that is not ready and I am so so tired.

I thank you for loving me and supporting me even without knowing why.....just know I am OK and Chris and I are dealing with this together and he is taking such great care of me- better than I have ever taken care of myself that is for sure. I will share when I am ready- or not- but either way I am going to be stronger and better and have even more to fight for in the months and years ahead and Chris will be by my side while I do it.....I love you all.

For's time to just lie down and find the quiet place inside.


Marissa said...

Hey lady! Here's hoping that things start to look up. I am so happy that you have such a wonderful support system; you really deserve to have someone that awesome in your life!

Deb Schmitt Herrick said...

Love ya Tracey (and Chris too)!