Know thyself

As I start getting back into this blog and give my inner voice a mic I have been randomly clicking through the archive to read past entries. I don't know if every writer has this experience but once I write something it's like I have deleted a file and it's gone from my head. My main purpose in blogging was always to clear my head so in that sense it is good to get it out and clear the decks but it's so odd to me to re-read past entries. 

I recognize my writing voice and clearly I wrote it but it's almost like reading someone else's diary even though it happened to me. Like I said that might seem cray-cray to you all but it's even odder for me. Even so I am glad to have this to refer back to and experience again. The time after losing Troy was so utterly life changing and in the time since literally everything in my life had changed. 

I really haven't decided what I am doing with this yet but I do know it felt good to come back here and curl up for a bit. Thanks for coming along :) 

Because I'm Happppeeeeeee

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.- Ferris Bueller"

There is no question life in at Cayer Castle is crazy. There are several project launches, full time J O B S, normal daily maintenance and oh yeah there is life with a VERY active toddler named Quinn. So with all this craziness what's a momma to do so life gets not only lived but fully appreciated?

Enter the #100happydays challenge! If you haven't heard of it click on the link for the origin but basically it is taking a minute to find what makes us happy- take a pic and post it with the hashtag. Easy peasy! 

What I like about this is it helps us focus and reframe all the chaos that is constantly swirling around us- well, me at least!!  :) 

Even more fun is I have thrown out this challenge to my family to participate in as well. Is this going to change the world? Maybe not today but what it can do is help make the bad stuff quieter and give voice to the really good stuff that is just sitting there waiting to be noticed. 

Feel free to join in!!

Here is my first post: My teenaged wish list for my dream man: cute, quirky, has an accent, brown eyes and someone who would sing to me. He is my dream come true and so much more. Happiness starts with him. #100happydays #myhusband #theboy

I love your Curves and all your Edges

I love you. You have stood tall and proud on this earther for nearly 44 years. There have been many obstacles to overcome and you have kept your head down and kept on moving the chains even when it seemed hopeless. You care deeply about so many things and when something hurts you it hurts so beautifully that your whole being feels the pain. Never change that- keeping yourself open to things that can hurt you is what makes you so amazing. You have hope- even when there doesn't seem to be a reason to hold out.

You are quick to smile and to laugh and to help a friend in any way you can. You are thoughtful and often will buy or send someone something that they mentioned in passing just to make them smile. You love giving the people around you reasons to smile and will do whenever you can to let them know you care.

You are organized and do a great job at keeping things on track and moving in the right direction. Your attention to detail has save more than one butt over the years including your own.

You have soft, tender eyes and thick, lush hair and are very huggable.

You have inspired many with the journey you have taken and there are many who can't wait to see what comes next.

You have the cloak of a true and good man about you all the time. You can know at every minute of every day you are loved completely to the core of your being and that you love equally in return.

You created the most beautiful little girl in the world. She has your gentle heart and every time you look at her you can know you have done what you were put on this earth to do.

You aren't perfect Tracey- none of us who walk this earth are- but you are very special and I love you.

***I was inspired to write this by my husband who is always asking me to see in myself what he sees and also by a lovely lady names Tatiana who goes by the name @beatfacehoney on Instagram. She posted a note to herself and it made me think how lovely it would be if we all did the same. It wasn't easy but if I am going to teach my daughter to love herself completely I need to start with myself.

Finding my voice

Om - Divine Guidance Oracle Cards

The meaning of this card is two-fold. Firstly, it is calling for more time in meditation and prayer. Energetically you are needing some time alone with yourself, in your inner-space. Through meditation you are able to connect more deeply with your highe...r-self and your guides. Energetically, this is vital for you. Secondly, this card calls you to focus on the power of your voice to facilitate the opening of your throat chakra. This vocal expression, whether through chant, prayer or even singing, is important for you right now.

So this is from a FB app I pulled today....one of my friends had it on her page and I clicked on it on a whim (isn't how they all getcha?)

I have to say this is pretty much spot on for where I am in my head right now. After the last blog (did you read it? yeah- neither did anyone else) I sat down with Chris and told him what I posted (he hadn't read it either- told ya you weren't alone). Now the irony is that his business is really taking off (yay!) and one of the biggest things he is doing is what he calls "Business Modeling" where he sits down with someone and basically crawls into their gray matter and helps to guide them to where their path is in life then he helps them roadmap how to get there. Pretty handy eh?

Expect the issue is that I need to find out who I am as a separate entity from my husband so although I am blessed with the world greatest resource I can't use him because that would defeat the whole purpose of me finding out who Tracey Cayer is separate from Chris.

So back to the car d reading- the second bit about finding my voice is pretty key for me right now. I spend a lot of time at Chris's office and am often asked my opinions about stuff but I find myself holding back because that is not my world and not my place to really assert myself. It's so funny that I spent so much time and effort when we were first dating to bring Chris into my world and get him connected with all the movers and shakers I knew that now that he has his own relationshipsand a solid network all on his own it is me who is feeling left out and out of place. Now because of anything he (or anyone else) has done but because I have not made a home for myself inside my own skin.

I really feel like I have been on this single minded destination for so long- I was the point person for most of the wedding planning so for the last 8 months or so that has been my all consuming thought. It is awesome to not have to think about flowers or favors or any of that stuff anymore and I don't miss being in that hyper planning mode at all!

Now its time to shift gears and my energy back to me. Chris is well on his way to building his empire. I have done all I can to help him put a solid foundation down to keep it solid and stable.....now me.

What do I want to do? Where am I going next as a woman? As a wife?

So the first part of the card sounds like a good plan for now. Time to get into my own head and heart and see what is there for me....

The new Tracey

:::tap, tap:::::::

is this thing on?

does anyone care anymore?

Are you still out there?

I wouldn't blame you if you had moved on. I have been hiding out- mostly from myself. Don't get me wrong some amazingly wonderful things have been happening in my life not the least of which is I married the man of my dreams. If that is the only thing I had to report it would be amazing and mind blowing and a lifetime dream come true.

For those of my "friends" on Facebook- you pretty much are up to speed with the pictures and the schmoopiness of all the wedded bliss but this space is for something else- at least today it is. Today this space calls to me to ask the question "Hey Tracey- where did you go?"

Pretty powerful question actually.

I am not sure of the answer.

I feel a bit lost to tell the truth. Somewhere in the last little bit I have lost "ME". I let go of "me" and have kinda of drifted.

It was a conscious choice and very deliberate. I told myself all kinds of reason and excuses for doing it. I needed to focus on helping Chris grow his business. I needed to plan the wedding. I needed to take a break from all the ups and downs and drama that my life had been.....

None of that is the real answer.

The truth is I have been hiding and I feel like I have been losing myself.

I guess part of what is underscoring this right now is going through the process of changing to my married name.

Again- let me be crystal clear. I am happy and thrilled to take Chris's last name as my own. I am very proud of him and excited to be his wife and start creating a new family under the Cayer name. There was never a question of doubt that this was the right choice for me and it is a good thing.

That doesn't mean it's not a little sad for me as well......

It really feels like I am shedding a skin and on the verge of becoming a new person. Tracey Herrick is disappearing....with each account I update I feel she is slipping away a bit more and that is kinda sad. I went through a lot with her and she was always there for me. So as I shed one skin and start looking in the mirror at the new person that is emerging it worries me that I don't know who she is or what she is about.

I don't know what she wants from life, what her passions and dreams are and how she is going to get there.

She is standing there- all blinking and brand new and I am not sure what to do with her.

I guess I will have to take her for a test drive, maybe go out for coffee and talk a bit.

I hope she likes me......

The Engagement

On March 19th Christopher George Cayer asked Tracey Luann Herrick to be his bride and she said yes.....

Many of you are aware that this whole wedding thing has been in the works for some time so the proposal was not exactly news of the century. However that does not mean that it wasn't one of the most wonderful, special and romantic days of my life.

To back up a bit I have to explain why we waited to make "the big announcement" when it was a foregone conclusion. Chris and I have made a habit of doing things in our own way and this sometimes conflicts with his traditional nature. I was always fine with plowing ahead and planning the wedding, getting the rings whenever and filling in the blanks as we went. The boy had other ideas.....

For me, to be engaged all that needed to happen was a certain question be asked. For the boy- he couldn't ask the question until he had a ring in hand to present as a symbol of said commitment. This created a bit of a stand off and my own quirk was I didn't feel I could call myself engaged if I had never been asked "the question" so we decided to keep the wedding quiet and really only tell the close family and friends who we were inviting about it. We are only having about 35 people total so this was a short list.

We had actually picked out rings a few months ago once we started to plan the wedding so when we were ready for the big step we went to check them out and in true girly fashion I totally changed my mind and picked out something completely different than I had before.

Saturday morning we did our normal errands then Chris disappeared to do "boy stuff" and I was told to be ready at 5:30. I was all gussied up when Chris burst through the door with a dozen roses in hand as he hopped in the shower to get himself ready to roll. As we started out Chris started asking me questions about our life together and my best memories which I soon found out was the theme for the night- memory lane.

Our first date was at a place in the Biltmore Fashion Square Mall (a pretty high end mall for the non AZ folks) called True Food. We didn't go there but in some ways even more fitting we went to a very nice restaurant in the same locale called Christopher's. Chris said he wanted to make sure the branding was consistent (little marketing humor). We had a wonderful meal and chatted about our memories all through dinner.

After that vour next destination was the sight of another of our first dates and the place where we took what you all know now is our engagement photos- the Double Tree Resort in Scottsdale. It was the night of the SuperMoon and it was bright and beautiful as we strolled the grounds and took in the peace and beauty there. We ended up at their dock where we took a turn in the gondola boats they have and was serenaded by an Italian opera singer. The only imperfection was the couple we were doubled up with chatted through the whole song. (sigh)

We left the resort and headed to our final destination- the courtyard of the Borgata. This location was where Chris took me on my first ever picnic date and we have often gone back there to enjoy the fountain, the purple twinkle lights on the tress and listen to the music they have playing there. He picked this location because he felt it was when he truly won my heart. He brought some goodies with him which included wine (including new glasses), a chocolate fondue set, strawberries, blackberries, marshmallows and bananas. We started our dessert course and Chris told me I was the love of his life and as he dropped to one knee asked me if I would do him the honor of marrying him. I was beaming and hugged and held him close. Then I kissed him and looked into his eyes and it wasn't until I was a spark of concern I realized I hadn't said yes yet! I quickly said yes and as relief washed across his face we kissed and toasted and floated on a little cloud al the way to our home.

So after the wait for the ring and for the boy do ask the question in his way I do have to admit I am glad we did it the way we did. We planned when we were suppsed to, we got engaged when we were supposed to and we will be getting married in the way that is right for us.

I can't wait for the happily ever after part with the man I love.....

The Negotiation Method

So I am getting back into the swing of working out and it is beyond frustrating how I have in my mind where I was physically when I jumped off the wagon and my body just won't do what it used to. I keep telling myself that it took a bit to get back OUT of shape so its ok that it takes a bit to get back INTO shape -but that doesn't help when I am trucking along and can only max out at a fraction of what I used to do. The fact that I am heavier (again) than when I got off the cookie diet make me mad, sad, frustrated, and is just damn pathetic.

Yes I know I can't change what I did yesterday, I can only go forward from here BUT......grrrrrrr!!!

So what finally kicked my ass and got me to at least begin getting back on track you ask? It was a dream.....I had this very vivid dream where me (the me I am now) came face to face with the future me (the me I will be when I hit my goal weight). I don't recall any details of the dream per se, I was just left with that mirror image and being both thrilled and excited about how good future me looked and how flat out disgusted I am with present me. I can't tell you or even begin to explain the amount of shame I feel for doing exactly what I said I wasn't going to do- ever.

I don't have a good excuse (not really) I just took my eye off the ball and it was easier to give up than to get back in the fight. I could list out a ton of really good and valid pseudo-reasons and you all would nod and sympathise and let me off the hook cuz that is what we do for people. For the most part we enable them mostly cuz we might need someone to let -us- off the hook someday and we would like the favor returned. It's only polite...

None of that changes the fact that I only fit in 3 pairs of pants. I guess the one good thing I did was get rid of all my "big" clothes cuz I can't afford to go shopping so that really does only leave one option cuz I am pretty sure jammies aren't in the corporate dress code (although some people in my building might argue- but that is a whole 'nother blog topic).

So I started working out last week by figuring out a work-around to a dvd problem. One of my "excuses" to not working out was I switched DVR's and the new one doesn't play well with my DVD player so I can't work out cuz I can't play my Biggest Loser DVD's- good excuse right??!! Oh and my home laptop crashed so I couldn't use it either- see?? IMPOSSIBLE to work out under those conditions!

Ok, so I finally conceeded that it was perfectly possible to bring my work laptop home and play them on it (until the magic dvd fairy comes to fix my dvd/dvr issue- why cant we all get along??) So that issue was solved and I got reacquainted with Bob Harper.

I tell ya, he looks so nice on tv...until he is kicking your ass and its only level 1! Geesh!! I have Jillian's dvd too but it is still safely in its plastic wrap. Oh yeah, I am scared of her, not gonna lie!

I want to get a good mix going so the next day I decided to do cardio and got back on the treadmill- Ol Bessy. Now Bessy obviously did not recognize me (can't blame her, it has been awhile) and not only did a teeny workout kick my ass I got a huge frickin blister for my trouble. Great!

So, back to Bob....a bit slower this time as muscles I don't even know the names of hurt now but I made it through (mainly cuz I could do it barefoot- blister still hurt-owwy!).

Next day, back to the treadmill.....now I doubled up on socks and layered 2 bandaids on the blister so it would be nice and protected right? WRONG-O! In less than 10 mins it was rubbing my foot raw.

Dilemma.....I want to kick this week off right and not half ass anything so I can't quit after just 10 mins. What to do? Only one choice....I kicked off my shoes and continued to workout in just my socks.

Ummmmmm, yeah, I do NOT recommend that. You may now examine the picture for the answer "why not"....and yes. I do consider myself a supreme dumb ass as even while I was doing it I knew I would regret it. I figured I would suffer later...and I did.

So now all my muscles hurt and it feel like I am walking on razor sharp rocks with every step. Awesome. Good thing the next day is Friday and I was forced to use the day as a "rest day". Chris and I did end up doing a bunch of errands so there was a fair bit of walking but nothing that would do any damage. Then Saturday I gave myself the gift of going to yoga and after a great class with lots of stretching I felt MUCH better and back on track. Sunday was Bob again and it wasn't so hard and I wasn't as sore after. Yay- progress!

Then today......we had a team lunch and I had a bit more to eat than I planned and had a total crash by the time I got home. I did NOT want to workout- at all. BUT I promised myself so after stalling as long as I could by talking to Chris I got off my ass and went to the gym. I had delusions of getting on the elliptical but 5 mins in I was over it. I just couldn't get in a zone. So I switched to Ol Bessy and started trotting along.

Now comes the Negotiation Method....

I can't be the only person who does this so tell me if this sounds familiar. I walk along and start to think about how long I plan to go for (30 mins plus 5 mins cool down). Then I start planning out the next 5 mins....I usually try to do a bit of interval training.....go for 5 increase speed for 30-60 seconds then go back to normal pace and repeat. So I start making myself deals....when you get to "x" we can increase for 30 seconds and if you do that we can knock off 5 mins at the end. Then I got for another 3 mins and start planning the next 5 mind deal. Then when I get to 15 mins I think, ok that is just half, well not really cuz it's really 35 mins not just 30 so 17 is more life half and I have been really good (which is a lie but I can talk myself into believing that) so how about we knock off at 20 mins? Then at 20 I think, well I have come this far I might as well finish what I said I was gonna do cuz its all down hill from here.....then "suddenly" I am done.

Ta-Daaaaaa!

Behold....the Negotitation Method. Feel free to use it as your own if you aren't already.

:)