Laughing Stars

Finding my voice

2011-06-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

Om - Divine Guidance Oracle Cards

The meaning of this card is two-fold. Firstly, it is calling for more time in meditation and prayer. Energetically you are needing some time alone with yourself, in your inner-space. Through meditation you are able to connect more deeply with your highe...r-self and your guides. Energetically, this is vital for you. Secondly, this card calls you to focus on the power of your voice to facilitate the opening of your throat chakra. This vocal expression, whether through chant, prayer or even singing, is important for you right now.

So this is from a FB app I pulled today....one of my friends had it on her page and I clicked on it on a whim (isn't how they all getcha?)

I have to say this is pretty much spot on for where I am in my head right now. After the last blog (did you read it? yeah- neither did anyone else) I sat down with Chris and told him what I posted (he hadn't read it either- told ya you weren't alone). Now the irony is that his business is really taking off (yay!) and one of the biggest things he is doing is what he calls "Business Modeling" where he sits down with someone and basically crawls into their gray matter and helps to guide them to where their path is in life then he helps them roadmap how to get there. Pretty handy eh?

Expect the issue is that I need to find out who I am as a separate entity from my husband so although I am blessed with the world greatest resource I can't use him because that would defeat the whole purpose of me finding out who Tracey Cayer is separate from Chris.

So back to the car d reading- the second bit about finding my voice is pretty key for me right now. I spend a lot of time at Chris's office and am often asked my opinions about stuff but I find myself holding back because that is not my world and not my place to really assert myself. It's so funny that I spent so much time and effort when we were first dating to bring Chris into my world and get him connected with all the movers and shakers I knew that now that he has his own relationshipsand a solid network all on his own it is me who is feeling left out and out of place. Now because of anything he (or anyone else) has done but because I have not made a home for myself inside my own skin.

I really feel like I have been on this single minded destination for so long- I was the point person for most of the wedding planning so for the last 8 months or so that has been my all consuming thought. It is awesome to not have to think about flowers or favors or any of that stuff anymore and I don't miss being in that hyper planning mode at all!

Now its time to shift gears and my energy back to me. Chris is well on his way to building his empire. I have done all I can to help him put a solid foundation down to keep it solid and stable.....now me.

What do I want to do? Where am I going next as a woman? As a wife?

So the first part of the card sounds like a good plan for now. Time to get into my own head and heart and see what is there for me....

The new Tracey

2011-06-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

:::tap, tap:::::::

is this thing on?

does anyone care anymore?

Are you still out there?

I wouldn't blame you if you had moved on. I have been hiding out- mostly from myself. Don't get me wrong some amazingly wonderful things have been happening in my life not the least of which is I married the man of my dreams. If that is the only thing I had to report it would be amazing and mind blowing and a lifetime dream come true.

For those of my "friends" on Facebook- you pretty much are up to speed with the pictures and the schmoopiness of all the wedded bliss but this space is for something else- at least today it is. Today this space calls to me to ask the question "Hey Tracey- where did you go?"

Pretty powerful question actually.

I am not sure of the answer.

I feel a bit lost to tell the truth. Somewhere in the last little bit I have lost "ME". I let go of "me" and have kinda of drifted.

It was a conscious choice and very deliberate. I told myself all kinds of reason and excuses for doing it. I needed to focus on helping Chris grow his business. I needed to plan the wedding. I needed to take a break from all the ups and downs and drama that my life had been.....

None of that is the real answer.

The truth is I have been hiding and I feel like I have been losing myself.

I guess part of what is underscoring this right now is going through the process of changing to my married name.

Again- let me be crystal clear. I am happy and thrilled to take Chris's last name as my own. I am very proud of him and excited to be his wife and start creating a new family under the Cayer name. There was never a question of doubt that this was the right choice for me and it is a good thing.

That doesn't mean it's not a little sad for me as well......

It really feels like I am shedding a skin and on the verge of becoming a new person. Tracey Herrick is disappearing....with each account I update I feel she is slipping away a bit more and that is kinda sad. I went through a lot with her and she was always there for me. So as I shed one skin and start looking in the mirror at the new person that is emerging it worries me that I don't know who she is or what she is about.

I don't know what she wants from life, what her passions and dreams are and how she is going to get there.

She is standing there- all blinking and brand new and I am not sure what to do with her.

I guess I will have to take her for a test drive, maybe go out for coffee and talk a bit.

I hope she likes me......

The Engagement

2011-03-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

On March 19th Christopher George Cayer asked Tracey Luann Herrick to be his bride and she said yes.....

Many of you are aware that this whole wedding thing has been in the works for some time so the proposal was not exactly news of the century. However that does not mean that it wasn't one of the most wonderful, special and romantic days of my life.

To back up a bit I have to explain why we waited to make "the big announcement" when it was a foregone conclusion. Chris and I have made a habit of doing things in our own way and this sometimes conflicts with his traditional nature. I was always fine with plowing ahead and planning the wedding, getting the rings whenever and filling in the blanks as we went. The boy had other ideas.....

For me, to be engaged all that needed to happen was a certain question be asked. For the boy- he couldn't ask the question until he had a ring in hand to present as a symbol of said commitment. This created a bit of a stand off and my own quirk was I didn't feel I could call myself engaged if I had never been asked "the question" so we decided to keep the wedding quiet and really only tell the close family and friends who we were inviting about it. We are only having about 35 people total so this was a short list.

We had actually picked out rings a few months ago once we started to plan the wedding so when we were ready for the big step we went to check them out and in true girly fashion I totally changed my mind and picked out something completely different than I had before.

Saturday morning we did our normal errands then Chris disappeared to do "boy stuff" and I was told to be ready at 5:30. I was all gussied up when Chris burst through the door with a dozen roses in hand as he hopped in the shower to get himself ready to roll. As we started out Chris started asking me questions about our life together and my best memories which I soon found out was the theme for the night- memory lane.

Our first date was at a place in the Biltmore Fashion Square Mall (a pretty high end mall for the non AZ folks) called True Food. We didn't go there but in some ways even more fitting we went to a very nice restaurant in the same locale called Christopher's. Chris said he wanted to make sure the branding was consistent (little marketing humor). We had a wonderful meal and chatted about our memories all through dinner.

After that vour next destination was the sight of another of our first dates and the place where we took what you all know now is our engagement photos- the Double Tree Resort in Scottsdale. It was the night of the SuperMoon and it was bright and beautiful as we strolled the grounds and took in the peace and beauty there. We ended up at their dock where we took a turn in the gondola boats they have and was serenaded by an Italian opera singer. The only imperfection was the couple we were doubled up with chatted through the whole song. (sigh)

We left the resort and headed to our final destination- the courtyard of the Borgata. This location was where Chris took me on my first ever picnic date and we have often gone back there to enjoy the fountain, the purple twinkle lights on the tress and listen to the music they have playing there. He picked this location because he felt it was when he truly won my heart. He brought some goodies with him which included wine (including new glasses), a chocolate fondue set, strawberries, blackberries, marshmallows and bananas. We started our dessert course and Chris told me I was the love of his life and as he dropped to one knee asked me if I would do him the honor of marrying him. I was beaming and hugged and held him close. Then I kissed him and looked into his eyes and it wasn't until I was a spark of concern I realized I hadn't said yes yet! I quickly said yes and as relief washed across his face we kissed and toasted and floated on a little cloud al the way to our home.

So after the wait for the ring and for the boy do ask the question in his way I do have to admit I am glad we did it the way we did. We planned when we were suppsed to, we got engaged when we were supposed to and we will be getting married in the way that is right for us.

I can't wait for the happily ever after part with the man I love.....

The Negotiation Method

2010-09-20T17:42:00.001-07:00

So I am getting back into the swing of working out and it is beyond frustrating how I have in my mind where I was physically when I jumped off the wagon and my body just won't do what it used to. I keep telling myself that it took a bit to get back OUT of shape so its ok that it takes a bit to get back INTO shape -but that doesn't help when I am trucking along and can only max out at a fraction of what I used to do. The fact that I am heavier (again) than when I got off the cookie diet make me mad, sad, frustrated, and is just damn pathetic.

Yes I know I can't change what I did yesterday, I can only go forward from here BUT......grrrrrrr!!!

So what finally kicked my ass and got me to at least begin getting back on track you ask? It was a dream.....I had this very vivid dream where me (the me I am now) came face to face with the future me (the me I will be when I hit my goal weight). I don't recall any details of the dream per se, I was just left with that mirror image and being both thrilled and excited about how good future me looked and how flat out disgusted I am with present me. I can't tell you or even begin to explain the amount of shame I feel for doing exactly what I said I wasn't going to do- ever.

I don't have a good excuse (not really) I just took my eye off the ball and it was easier to give up than to get back in the fight. I could list out a ton of really good and valid pseudo-reasons and you all would nod and sympathise and let me off the hook cuz that is what we do for people. For the most part we enable them mostly cuz we might need someone to let -us- off the hook someday and we would like the favor returned. It's only polite...

None of that changes the fact that I only fit in 3 pairs of pants. I guess the one good thing I did was get rid of all my "big" clothes cuz I can't afford to go shopping so that really does only leave one option cuz I am pretty sure jammies aren't in the corporate dress code (although some people in my building might argue- but that is a whole 'nother blog topic).

So I started working out last week by figuring out a work-around to a dvd problem. One of my "excuses" to not working out was I switched DVR's and the new one doesn't play well with my DVD player so I can't work out cuz I can't play my Biggest Loser DVD's- good excuse right??!! Oh and my home laptop crashed so I couldn't use it either- see?? IMPOSSIBLE to work out under those conditions!

Ok, so I finally conceeded that it was perfectly possible to bring my work laptop home and play them on it (until the magic dvd fairy comes to fix my dvd/dvr issue- why cant we all get along??) So that issue was solved and I got reacquainted with Bob Harper.

I tell ya, he looks so nice on tv...until he is kicking your ass and its only level 1! Geesh!! I have Jillian's dvd too but it is still safely in its plastic wrap. Oh yeah, I am scared of her, not gonna lie!

I want to get a good mix going so the next day I decided to do cardio and got back on the treadmill- Ol Bessy. Now Bessy obviously did not recognize me (can't blame her, it has been awhile) and not only did a teeny workout kick my ass I got a huge frickin blister for my trouble. Great!

So, back to Bob....a bit slower this time as muscles I don't even know the names of hurt now but I made it through (mainly cuz I could do it barefoot- blister still hurt-owwy!).

Next day, back to the treadmill.....now I doubled up on socks and layered 2 bandaids on the blister so it would be nice and protected right? WRONG-O! In less than 10 mins it was rubbing my foot raw.

Dilemma.....I want to kick this week off right and not half ass anything so I can't quit after just 10 mins. What to do? Only one choice....I kicked off my shoes and continued to workout in just my socks.

Ummmmmm, yeah, I do NOT recommend that. You may now examine the picture for the answer "why not"....and yes. I do consider myself a supreme dumb ass as even while I was doing it I knew I would regret it. I figured I would suffer later...and I did.

So now all my muscles hurt and it feel like I am walking on razor sharp rocks with every step. Awesome. Good thing the next day is Friday and I was forced to use the day as a "rest day". Chris and I did end up doing a bunch of errands so there was a fair bit of walking but nothing that would do any damage. Then Saturday I gave myself the gift of going to yoga and after a great class with lots of stretching I felt MUCH better and back on track. Sunday was Bob again and it wasn't so hard and I wasn't as sore after. Yay- progress!

Then today......we had a team lunch and I had a bit more to eat than I planned and had a total crash by the time I got home. I did NOT want to workout- at all. BUT I promised myself so after stalling as long as I could by talking to Chris I got off my ass and went to the gym. I had delusions of getting on the elliptical but 5 mins in I was over it. I just couldn't get in a zone. So I switched to Ol Bessy and started trotting along.

Now comes the Negotiation Method....

I can't be the only person who does this so tell me if this sounds familiar. I walk along and start to think about how long I plan to go for (30 mins plus 5 mins cool down). Then I start planning out the next 5 mins....I usually try to do a bit of interval training.....go for 5 increase speed for 30-60 seconds then go back to normal pace and repeat. So I start making myself deals....when you get to "x" we can increase for 30 seconds and if you do that we can knock off 5 mins at the end. Then I got for another 3 mins and start planning the next 5 mind deal. Then when I get to 15 mins I think, ok that is just half, well not really cuz it's really 35 mins not just 30 so 17 is more life half and I have been really good (which is a lie but I can talk myself into believing that) so how about we knock off at 20 mins? Then at 20 I think, well I have come this far I might as well finish what I said I was gonna do cuz its all down hill from here.....then "suddenly" I am done.

Ta-Daaaaaa!

Behold....the Negotitation Method. Feel free to use it as your own if you aren't already.

Hiding

2010-08-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

So where have I been and why have I been hiding from you? Well as always its not you I have been hiding from but myself. You see sitting here typing into this blank box is me facing myself and for the past few months I have not been able to do that. I wish I could blame it something like being so distracted by playing house with my boy that I haven't had time but that isn't true. Chris is my biggest fan and I know it has him pretty concerned that I have shut down this part of my life when it has meant so much to me the past few years.

The truth is I feel like I have failed myself, failed you all and I just couldn't face it. Those of you who saw me when I was back for Kim's wedding could see I have gained a fair chunk of weight back. I have justified it at every step telling myself "still, not as bad as it was" which is true and I keep telling myself gaining weight doesn't take away from the fact that I lost 200 so I should still be proud but.....it is killing me. It hurts me to look in the mirror and see the belly back. I worked so hard and it was all too easy to let it creep back. I know I can get back to where I was and Chris and I have talked about it a lot. He has a few lbs he'd like to shed as well but its hard to get back to that disciplined place I was last year.

So I get more upset with everyday because I did exactly what I said I wouldn't. I swore I would be one of those people who lost the weight an never looked back. Well my backside is the one looking at me now and its laughing, well.....you get it.

Anyways so that it the truth, the whole truth and I am sticking to it. Where do I go from here is the question.......

Stay tuned.

Family

2010-08-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

Funny what it took to bring me back to my blog. It was my brothers death that first prompted me to post here and then after I had gone dark for months as soon as my niece was in danger it was the first thing I came back to as a means to connect.

The update is good- the bastard is caught. Here is the recap for those who did not get the whole story. My 17 year old niece Sierra was starting her first day of her senior year on Thursday morning. She drove to school, parked in the student parking lot then crossed the street in the crosswalk to go into the school. One of those first day of the rest of your life moments when BAM! Out of nowhere a black Nissan truck going approx 30-35 miles an hour hit Sierra head on. She flew 10-15 feet in the air and landed 30 feet away from where she was hit. As she lay there the driver of the truck stopped, got out, walked over and asked if she was OK and if she needed an ambulance. She replied she was NOT ok and did need an ambulance and he then asked one of the students in the quickly forming crowd to dial 911 as he got in his truck and took off.

Sierra was then taken by ambulance to the hospital (after she was put on a back board and had C collar put on the stabilize her neck). She had some road rash, a goose egg on the top of her head and her knee has probable ligament damage and is in a brace. We will have to wait until the swelling goes down to see what the story there will be. In other words....the kid is a walking miracle. She was texting me later in the day and asked me if I thought it was Troy or my Grandma who caught her while she was flying through the air. I originally said both but my sister Toni did make a good point that Troy was never up before 1st period so it must have been Grandma.

The manhunt began with the Boone PD releasing the description of the truck and driver. I did what I could to pass on the info via Facebook and used some connections I had to get local TV stations (in Iowa) to cover the accident. Thankfully my friends came through for me and I am so grateful and thankful to everyone who reposted and looked for the bastard. I had friends telling me they were peeking into garages to try and find this jerk. I did not recommend that but it was appreciated none the less. Big thanks to WHO, KCCI and ABC who all did on camera interviews with Sierra and posted the description. Not that I doubted the police were doing everything they could but I learned quickly that 60% of all hit and runs never get solved plus Sierra is going to be OK so there is less urgency. So to have that much attention might have helped motivate the authorities just a bit more.

So Saturday am a report came through that the vehicle was spotted in Des Moines and the DSM PD had arrested him. Well that turned out to be a hoax however during that same period the vehicle was spotted in Boone. There was a female driving and when pulled over she told the cops that he boyfriend often drove the truck. The police went to his house and in a few minutes he confessed. As it turns out there are also warrants for his arrest in 2 other states so it looks like he is going away for a good stretch.

So to say it was an emotionally crazy week is a bit of an understatement. And it had been a touch week before that so yesterday I melted down hard core. Then today I find out a good friend of mine lost his brother last week and somehow it all came together for me.

Family......its all about family.

Chris and I have been in our little new roommate honeymoon phase and that has been great. It has been pure bliss having him with me here. I wake up every morning so overwhelmed with love for this man and we are building our life together. We are also building our extended family of friends and contacts and fuzzy critters. And then there is the family I was born to that is embracing Chris as he gets to know them. I love them all and am so blessed to have them all in my life.

Love.....family.......that's all I need.

News piece(s) on Sierra's accident

2010-08-20T07:02:00.001-07:00

See the news story that ran last night on WOI-TV in Iowa on my niece:

http://www.woi-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=13016251

Boone Teen Hit by Truck, Walks Away with Minor Injuries

A Boone teen could have lost her life on the first day of school, but instead walked away with just minor injuries, after a truck plowed into her.
17-year old Sierra Owen doesn't remember the impact that sent her flying 30-feet backwards. She had started walking toward the entrance of Boone High School on one cross-walk, and then ended up in the middle of another.
As Sierra lay on the ground, the man who hit her, got out of the truck, and asked the teen if she was alright.

"I remember seeing him,"Owen said. "I didn't know it was him at the time, this guy just came up and I thought, I've never seen you before, and then he just disappeared, and then I was told that he was the driver and I was like, what a jerk."

Then as quickly as they had appeared, the driver and the truck, were gone. Leaving a bruised and battered Sierra behind.

"(I have) a big bump on my head...they think I may have torn a ligament in my knee...some cuts on my back, my back is pretty scrapped up...some road rash, but other than that, nothings broken, which I'm really surprised and thankful for."

Sierra and her family hope that the person responsible will be caught, and are disappointed that he didn't stick around the scene, after plowing into a student on the first day of senior year.

"It's all about taking accountability of your actions," Sierra said. "As my mom has told me, many, many times."

And here is the KCCI story (no interview- just story)

http://www.kcci.com/r/24698706/detail.html

BOONE, Iowa -- Boone police are asking for the public's help to find a black Nissan truck involved in a hit-and-run crash on Thursday.

Officers said the driver, a man in his early 30s, hit 17-year-old Sierra Owen Thursday morning as she was crossing the street to go to school.

Owen's mother told KCCI the driver stopped and asked if she was OK and then told another student to call 911 before driving off.

Owen has several bumps and bruises and a possible knee injury.

The driver is described as having dark hair and a goatee.

Sierra struck by Hit and Run Driver

2010-08-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

Please repost and spread this description- my niece Sierra Owen was struck by a hit and run driver this am.

Click on this link for the news story or read it here:

Breaking: Police search for hit and run driver
by Greg Eckstrom
Published: Thursday, August 19, 2010 2:11 PM CDT
Police are searching for a vehicle that was involved in a hit and run accident in front of Boone High School at 7:44 a.m. Thursday morning.

According to emergency radio communication, the victim was a white female, 17 years of age, and was conscious, alert and breathing following the accident.

Police are asking the public to remain on the lookout for a black, early- to mid-90s Nissan pickup truck with a short bed box and a single cab. The vehicle is in very good condition, with the exception of damage to the front driver’s side bumper, which may be hanging down.

The vehicle was possibly driven by a white male in his early 30s with a muscular build, short, dark hair and a dark goatee.

Anyone who recognizes this vehicle or may know the driver is asked to call 911.

Thanks to my hometown friends and family who are spreading the word so we can catch this guy!

My Boy's Blog

2010-06-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

While I get my arse in gear check out Chris's blog.....I'll be back soon. I promise

And, and...then the BEAR jumped out

2010-05-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's not my fault- I SWEAR. You see there was a plane....and, and it crashed. Nonono, there was a flood and then a big wave came and..... OK no, what REALLY happened was a black hole opened up and the whole universe got sucked into it.

(sigh)

So yes my lovelies I am so so so sorry I have not blogged recently but frankly I blame the boy. The boy who has been recently upgraded from boyfriend to roomie!! Yes for those non FB readers Chris has officially moved in with me! It has been 3 weeks and the settling process is nearly complete. I think we are down to 4 boxes left to unpack and that is mostly books and office stuff.

Now I have never lived with a bf and I have not had a roommate for over 10 years so I have been a bit nervous to see how it would all shake out but all in all I have to say that its been pretty great. I will go into much more detail over the weekend since I now am able to a) get into my office and b) function in the office. I just wanted to post something before a search party was sent out to find me.

The truth is I am doing well and have never been happier in my life.....but don't you worry, there will always be drama to entertain us all. More on that later. ;)

It only looks easy

2010-04-07T20:06:00.001-07:00

So you all know how much yoga has brought to me (thank you Desert Song!!) I keep telling people go for the exercise ands stay for the spiritual journey.

It really has brought me a lot of peace and helped me focus during some rough times in my life. Now the Universe does like it's challenges and continues to lob its curve balls at me so I read something in a yoga journal I get that really hit home for me so I am really putting some energy into it to see what happens.

I can't recall the exact quote but the flavor I got from it was to stop fighting everything that happens and focus more on moving with the flow of life. Letting it wash over you and through you instead of being pelted by life like a fire hose turned on full force.

Now as I am a person who has put in my fair share of miles swimming up steam this seems like a fine idea. I am working on moving with life. I swear I am. I am working so hard at it.

Oh....

Guess what?......

It is just as much work as swimming upstream.

(damn)

Chris just tonight was explaining the concept of how it actually takes more control to stay steady in a strong current than to swim against it sometimes.

Great.

....figgers

(deep sigh)

Still I think it is a theory worth exploring. If nothing else it mixes things up and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results so at the very least I can hope for different results with a different approach.

Still....it's not nearly as easy as it sounds.

Special People

2010-04-07T19:35:00.000-07:00

I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to reflect and honor my Grandmother with my first blog of April. It was just a year ago that we lost her and I miss her so much. I remember when I first made the decision to move to Arizona and one of my big concerns was being so far away from my Grandma when we had no idea how much time she had left. I didn't get back to see her as much as I would have liked but I made the most of the time I was able to get home I know she appreciated every moment I spent with her. Nothing was more important to my Grandma than family.

I wish so much Grandma could have met Chris and be able to see with her own eyes how happy and in love I am.I know she was always so worried about me being alone and not having anyone to take care of her "Tacey Lanny" I know she would be so relieved to know that not only am I being looked after and taken care of but I am being loved more deeply than I could have ever dreamt I would be. I am sure Grandma would have some strong words for Chris and the strongest of them all would be "thank you for taking care of my littlest grand-daughter".

It almost seems fitting then that Chris's birthday is just after my Grandma's. His birthday was on Easter this year and while he had to work (boo!) I did my best to make the most of the time we did have together. I went shopping and bought my first dress since I dropped the weight (then picked it up, then put it down then....). I hate how my legs looks but I realized my poor boy had never seen me in a dress so it was part of my present to him. It is purple and black and didn't look to bad after I got it on if I do say so myself. Then cuz I got the dress I had to get the gear to go with it so I went to Vickie's (you know where I mean) and stocked up and then I got the hair and nails done. By the time my boy got home I had flowers, candles and a put together girl waiting for him. I let him pick what he wanted to do but really wanted to go out for a drink (and it was past 10pm- OMG!!) so we did and had a lovely evening. Then the next morning we did birthday gifts, then Easter baskets and then had brunch and a new place that might become a new fave hangout (The Florist Cafe- check it out Phx peeps!). It was nice and while I wanted more time with my birthday boy I am hoping it was as special a day for him as it was for me.

April is a special month and I was so happy to be able to honor and celebrate the 2 most special and important people in the whole world to me.

Room in my heart

2010-03-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

Staying up late to write a post.....and by late I mean past 9pm. (sigh) What has my life become?? I am now a person who gets up at dark o'clock. Ugh. I now work 6am-3pm since I am working the EST time zone. Getting up that early blows but I am getting used to getting off at 3pm and still having tome during the day to get stuff done so....makes it a bit more bearable.

Well the BIG news is I can officially announce the newest addition to my family. My niece Holli gave birth to my grand nephew Cashten Mikel. He is beautiful and mother and son are doing well. I am so excited to come home and meet him in June. Love you Holli and love Cashten too!!

I want to give a really good reason for not writing as much this month as I had planned and the new schedule seems like a really good excuse but the truth is I have once again just been getting in my own way. I wish there was some kind of warning life could give us- like the arms that come down at railroad crossing that stop us when we are about to get into our own way. But life isn't that simple.

The hell of it is you hurt yourself when you do it but you hurt the people around you as well. It kills me to think of how much I have been hurting Chris because of my own stupid insecurities and by inner demons. I just have this need to push ahead and want more even than I have even though I know there are very good, sound, rational reasons for waiting and letting things happen the way they are supposed to happen.

It is my new challenge in life to relax, breathe and accept what the moment has to offer and to not let myself get upset or frustrated by what I don't have (yet).....especially when what I do have is so amazing and wonderful and more then I ever dreamed I would have in the first place.

So Chris- this is my public and heartfelt apology to you for letting you think for a second that you are anything less then my dream come true and thank you for all you have given me and how happy you make me everyday.

I wish it was as simple as boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after. I mean, on the broadest possible scale I suppose that is what happens but damn it sure does leave out a LOT of details doesn't it?

I watched a really great movie this weekend called Feast of Love (Netflicks- check it out) and there was a scene where one of the characters was talking about a very sad tragedy and he said"Wow- god must really hate us. I mean, he must despise us to give us so much pain..." and the other character said "No, I don't think it works like that. I think God gives us all this pain because he also gave us such big hearts to be able to absorb all the pain. We couldn't handle so much pain unless we had big hearts too..."

The master appears when the student is ready and I think that is the message I was meant to get from the universe right now. Yes there is alot lot of pain in my life (and yours) but we wouldn't have gotten this pain unless we had the room in our hearts to wrap it up and make it better- and make ourselves stronger for having absorbed it.

That's all.....

What's longer than a quickie?

2010-03-18T18:23:00.001-07:00

I know,I know I posted a "quickie" with a promise of a longer blog to follow and then I slack. Bad Tracey! Bad!!

Things have been super crazy the past few weeks....I know, when are they not in my world eh? (* please note the Canadian influence- can't avoid it, I am becoming one of them!! eep!!)

So work has been INSANE. Our role has changed and I have a new territory which is in the EST. Which means I now have to work 7- 4 and might have to go to 6-3 if we don't hit our number. Now those of you who know me know how much I am NOT a morning person so getting up at O'dark o'clock is NOT my idea of an ideal schedule. And yes I get to leave "earlier" in the day but considering I am wiped out by 4pm and go to bed at 9pm now It's still not much of a gain. (Btw- remember when you saw your parents go to bed early and thinking how lame they were and how they couldn't hang? sorry mom and dad-I get it now!)

And to make things even better Chris had a schedule change at the same time and he is working 2-10pm and his "weekends" are Monday and Tuesday. He came over and stayed Tuesday (yay for sleepovers!) but I was done by 9pm and he didn't come to bed until 11pm. Oh yeah, we are a hot and wild couple.

So that sucks.....trying very hard to not bitch about it cuz its not gonna change any time soon but the level of suckiness is very frustrating to say the least.

And this schedule changes hit at the exact time I started back on the Cookie Diet so it really knocked my body out of its routine which is why I was vulnerable to getting sick. I had a really nasty stomach flu that started Friday, got serious on Sunday night (been a loooong time since I spent the night on the bathroom floor, ahhh college memories) and lasted Tuesday (tried to go to work, they took one look at me and sent me home- great, glad I look that good) and finally shook itself loose yesterday (I credit my boy making me a yummy dinner as the cure- and getting boytime of course).

Diet update you ask? Honestly I am not tracking the number so much as my goal is to get back to where I was in July but if I do add up the lbs it is 15 lbs so far. I still have about 25ish to go before I am back to where I was when I went off course and then once I hit that I have another 40 to go.

Getting back into the routine is pretty easy actually and they switched up the cookies so they taste better than I remember (bonus). I must admit it is still very hard to date and diet. Chris is so great and supportive and I don't want to limit where we go when we do go out (he shouldn't have to suffer) but even the smart choices are more than ideal. Finding those good choices is still a work in progress and the lifelong challenge I have to look forward to.

So yeah....that is really what has been up the last few weeks. I know some of you have noticed less Facebooking than was my norm and this is why. Stupid work getting in the way of FB updates. Geesh, the nerve!

Oh...in case anyone hasn't heard I AM coming home in June (weekend of the 12th) for my OG BFF Kim's wedding and VERY much hope to have a boy with me. There are just too many variables for him to commit right now but I will be there for sure and he is about 70% positive. I am looking forward to coming home during some nice weather. (Snow in April last year?? I'm looking at you!!) I will also be able to meet my Grand NEPHEW who is almost here. Miss Holli Ann is less than week away from being a mommy!! (sooner if she gets her way!) so that will be awesome.

Ok....that's the news for now. I'll get to something deep and thoughtful later but I thought I'd better post before Fran filed a missing Tracey report!

Later kiddies.....

Quickie

2010-03-03T06:13:00.000-08:00

What better way to start off a morning that with a quickie? Blog I mean....geesh, you people!

So much is going on I just wanted to jot down a quick note to promise that details will be coming soon. Things at work are incredibly busy (which is great) so that is taking up a bunch of time. I will catch up soon so hang in there until I do...

So my weekend of giving back and volunteering for Rapport was amazing (as Rapport experience always are). As I said I will go into more detail later but I wanted to share my biggest take-away. (I am sharing this with the permission of the person who said it) One of the students said that moving forward after this class he is going to "be more aware of the eternity of his "decisions."

I thought that was awesome and something none of us do enough of- really consider how whatever decisions we make cause ripples that reach out further than we can ever know.

Kinda gives me chills....

And my second update is I did indeed start the Cookie Diet Monday as planned. The cookies actually taste better then I remember and I am getting back into the groove. I am not working out this week (aside from my usual little walk-abouts on my lunch break) while my body adjusts to the diet BUT I have lost 4 lbs in the first 2 days. Last time I did the diet I was hitting about 20lbs a month. I am not hung up on the numbers I just want to keep at it until I hit my goal.

More details on all later I just wanted to get this quickie update out.

::::lights a cigarette::::

Ahhhh, was it good for you too?

The Polls are Closed

2010-02-24T14:44:00.000-08:00

Thank you for playing and for your votes in "what should Tracey do next..." You gave me some great feedback (some private, some public) and I thank you ALL for your thoughts and words. I listened and took it all in....and then made up my own damn mind and did what I wanted just like I always do. hahaha...

Ok so the decision has been made.....I am going back on the Cookie Diet (which if you buy 4 weeks by 2/28 you can get $50 off with the coupon code Twitter50 btw...)

First off I am very excited and happy with this decision. It may not be the decision you would have made but that was true when I first did it (and lost 150lbs) and the bottom line is I got results and you can't argue with that. And yes it is a band-aid. It is NOT a long term solution and once I hit my goal weight I will have to come up with a plan that I can work to keep the results I gained and have a healthy long term maintenance based lifestyle.

I think it is just such a weight off (so to speak- har har) to just have made a decision and not just keep struggling to do something I clearly still don't know how to do so well. This will get me back on track, get me some results and give me time to get some education and figure out how to make this lifestyle change stick.

So where I am at now is the cookies are ordered and en route and I will start again on Monday. So needless to say this is kind of a g'bye tour for my sweet tooth for awhile. So glad I got in one more office cake day before getting back on the wagon...MMMMmmmm cake.

I am not at all worried about the cookie diet itself. I have done it before so there are no big worries there and in a lot of ways it will be a relief to going back to being hard core strict. Choices are hard and making the right choices are even harder. And our culture is NOT set up to be health friendly let me tell you.

My plan is to do it for 90-120 days then assess where I am. Last time I did it I averaged 20 lbs a month weight loss and I want to get to a goal weight of 160lbs (80lbs total).

We shall see how it goes...

Now....I put this to YOU. Wanna play along?

I will post my starting weight on Monday (March 1st) and update weekly. I will throw out the offer that if anyone else out there wants to play the home version with me you can post your goals and results in the comments section and we can do this together! I know posting things like your weight aren't fun but its the accountability part that really drives you- trust me.

And I don't care what your plan is- I have never and will never knock any one's choices. Be it surgery, exercise only, special diets.....all our bodies have such vastly different chemistry and results vary so much that if YOU find something that works then GO FOR IT...with my blessings and supports.

And for those who haven't heard yet I WILL be coming home (to Iowa) for Kim's wedding in June (12th) so I WILL be at my GOAL WEIGHT by then!!

Time to finish this damn thing....who is with me??!!

Not fixed yet....

2010-02-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

Not in my most cuddly mood today. I am actually pretty freaking upset with the world in general. It sucks cuz earlier this week I was feeling pretty peaceful and calm. I was thinking things are in a good groove and it will be nice to coast all easy breezy for awhile.

But not feeling the love today...

I am just so mad at not being able to stay where I had got down to with my weight. I am so mad that even though I am trying (I know, powerless word) to get back into a routine and get back to healthier eating habits life seems to get in the way. And I know I don't have even a teeny portion of the challenges other people have so its making me think I have no other options than to go back to the cookie diet.

I am just so disappointed in myself that the pants I had thrown in a bag bound for Goodwill are now back in my rotation because the pants I have are starting to get way too tight. I never wanted to go back up the scale and yet here I am.

I keep watching The Biggest Loser (really miss it with the Olympics on) and they preach getting to the emotion- figuring out what got you there to begin with...and for some reason I can't see it. I can see my lack of impulse control and the need to punish myself with food but I can't see why...and I guess until I do I will keep struggling.

In the meantime I really want to smash all the mirrors in my house. It just hurts to look.....

Kevin Smith- I feel ya man

2010-02-15T08:12:00.001-08:00

Ok so it's pretty rare I have a real, relevant experience to something in the news but I do so here is my recap and tie in.

Most of you know Kevin Smith- if you don't know the man you know his movies. Clerks, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back....(leaving out Jersey Girl out of respect- not HIS fault). Well I follw him on Twitter and he is awesome and his tweets for national attention when he went off about his experience about getting kicked off a Southwest Airline flight for being "of Size" as their policy calls fat people.

Here is his rant on his website Smodcast (90 min podcast) and to be fair here is the Southwest reply . Here is the story on MSNBC.

And- what you are really interested in- this is my blog about the experience where I had a Southwest Airlines encounter.

Bottom line- it is a horrible, humiliating experience that calls you out for the thing you already hate and feel bad about.

I feel ya Kevin Smith- I feel ya.....

Update: It has really made me sad how people aren't seeing the forest for the trees with this whole situation. Or in this case- the person behind the weight issues.

For those who care here is Kevin's story and as it is similiar to my own. I believe him. There is no reason to go on an on about an issues like this UNLESS it is the one thing you can do to save the dignity that was already stripped of you.

Just makes me sad man, it really does.....

Crossroads

2010-02-09T14:34:00.000-08:00

What to do...what to do.....

I am kinda at a crossroads and need to make a pretty big decision. As I have admitted I have fallen off the wagon a bit and need to re-start my program. I have been doing good with my exercise program. I have the Biggest Loser's Boot Camp and Power Yoga ($9 at Wal-Mart) plus the eliptical and my yoga class.

So right now here is my schedule with one day of rest in there (which varies depending on what night Chris is available so we can have a date night):

Boot Camp, Cardio, rest day, Boot Camp, Power Yoga, Boot Camp, Yoga Class (sat am)

So far so good... with that. I am at level 2 with the Boot Camp video- can't say I make it all the way through Level 2 (fricking pushups with a medicine ball) BUT I am getting there...

Now the big question.

I am strongly considering going back to the Cookie Diet.

Now a little recap for you all...the diet I started was called Smart for Life which was a partnership between these weight loss clinics (Smart for Life) and Dr. Siegel's cookie diet. That is where I lost the bulk of my weight. Now there was a lawsuit and the partnership ended (badly) and the clinic I was going to switched products (cookies) which made me very sick so that is when I quit the program and went solo.

So why am I considering going back to eating 6 little (not so much like cookies) cookies everyday?

Well in a word- results. I really want to hit my goal of 175 (ok, its really 160) and doing the diet for 3 months might get me there quickly (or at least a big jump start) BUT it is $60 a week for cookies so we are talking $720 for 90 days. Is loosing 60lbs worth that?

Maybe....

The other consideration is learning the right way to do it. After my gain I am worried I didn't really learn new habits (or didn't learn good enough) so when I come back off my weight will balloon up- again.

I do NOT want to start a yo-yo pattern so is it better to do it slower this time with the idea that the results will last longer?

It's a lot to think about....what are your thoughts? (comments always welcome)

My Guest Blog....

2010-02-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

So I have talked about it for a little bit now (ok teased is more like it) but here is the link to my first ever guest blog. It is for the leadership training I went through and if you have been reading along at all you know I mention this training quite a bit. It is very literally the best thing that I ever did and gave me the tools that helped me change my life.

It's odd timing to be rethinking anf reliving that experience now when I am on the brink of breaking through another wall.

The conclusion to the story in the guest blog is- I failed again. I stopped living the lessons I learned and gained back 40 pounds of what I have lost. So now I stand before you (and mostly myself) and I am looking in the mirror and asking myself....what choices are you going to make today?

It only clicked last week that I have falledn back into some self destructive patterns. I have been punishing myself and sabatoging myself for not living up to a standard I had set for myself. I am not able to forgive myself for some of the choices I have made in the past.

I am working on it....I need to find a way to forgive myself. I need another moment like I had a Rapport to remind me how powerful I can be. Hopefully I can find it somewhere within myself.

So I come back to you all, on bended knees with my heart laid out before you and once again ask to be filled up with your love and energy and support. Help me on my journey cuz it's not over yet and I am not done fighting.

I need you, I need your help.

I am not alone.....

Not my Strong Suit

2010-01-26T14:17:00.000-08:00

Ok I am going a little stir crazy- the good news is I have been (sorta kinda) promoted at my job from a contractor to full time. Yay (applause, applause)!! The bad news is that means all my authorizations to actually do my job needed to be redone and now I am going on day 8 of having no access to any systems.

:::deep sigh:::

Today my biggest accomplishment was to hit 80 followers on Twitter and to hit up Tyra Banks for some free swag (she offered).

Sad.....

In other news and blogging related news at that- I am on the verge of having my first guest blog posted and published. I think it will be posted Feb 4th but I will double check that. It is for Rapport Leadership International which as you faithful readers will know is the leadership training I went to that my former company sent me to. I am VERY excited and as a follow up to my blog I will be featured on one of their weekly Achiever's calls. Pretty cool stuff.

I also threw my hat in the ring for another guest spot (thanks Fran) and that will be announced in a few weeks. That is a little less likely to happen but you never know.

Sooooo dear readers, I will ask you to keep your eyes peeled and if you see any blogs out there (or other outlets) that might be interested in my story I'd love to know about it. Our collective eyes are better than just mine.

So what else is news? Not much really.....things are calm in job land for me. A first in a long long time and I am happy about that. Really the rest of my world and attention is being focused on my boy.

We just hit our 8 monthaversary and have so many plans for the next 8....we just need some good stuff for him to start happening. There is a series of dominoes that will topple once he gets secure but waiting and watching this first one wobble but not sink is KILLING ME. The words faith and patience have been thrown around so much I have bruises from getting hit in the head with them so many times.

Neither is my strong suit and yet there is nothing I can do here but wait.....bleech.

So that I guess is the theme of the month- patience. Letting things happen and unfold without me doing a damn thing. Grrrrrrr, how I hate that.

Until then....I am going shopping to see what else (other suit) might fit me better ;)

Un-Met Needs

2010-01-18T11:44:00.000-08:00

So let me start by saying what a horrible girlfriend I am. Lord knows I never got the practice I should have got when I should have been getting it so poor Chris is stuck with what he has- a hot mess of a girlfriend (some of the time).

The short version of the story is that it is Chris's turn to have all kinds of crazy life stuff happening and while I should be stepping up and being strong for him instead I chose to fall apart and make life worse. In my (weak) defense it is something that has been slowly building up over time- not just one random occurrence that caused me to fall apart. But...fall apart I did and I shouldn't have. It was wrong and unfair and as much as I couldn't help it I am very very sorry that is happened the way that it did.

Now lucky for me I have a boy who can not only deal with and accept my craziness but he even leaps tall building in a single bound to make sure I have what I need from him- even when he doesn't have enough of him to go around. ***I will study this trick and do my best to perfect it. If I could bottle it I could solve the world's problems!

We had a long talk yesterday and with all the worlds events: Haiti, vets coming home and not finding jobs, the economy. It is easy to see that we have it pretty good. We can (mostly) pay our bills (kinda close-ish) on time and we both have jobs (hopefully he will soon have a better one) and we have each other. And I agree and I am utterly, totally and eternally grateful for all of that.....and yet, why was I so frustrated? Why so needy?

Maslow has a lovely chart of needs and how if one isn't met you can't move on to the rest and he said stuff a long time ago that people still listen to so he must be right. My question to myself is.....is it ok to want more when other people have so much less? And I think the answer is- yes.

I don't think I will ever be totally satisfied with life (sorry baby- consider this your warning) because I see more and I want more- all the time. Not just for me- although the lesson I learned very well over the last few years is to make sure your own safety is secure before you try to save anyone else. But yeah, I do want to help other people and the stronger I am (we are) the better I will be able to do that. I am driven by the "....but why??!!" question.

Yeah, sometimes (more than I would like) it comes from a whiny and selfish place but sometimes it is what helps me power through some pretty tough obstacles. The why question is a good one cuz every once in a while there is no answer (objection) and the green light is given and the whole world opens a brand new door that was sealed shut before.

And your needs are -your needs- and sometimes other things are more pressing and important but it doesn't make your needs any less important. They are and if they truly are real needs they absolutely need met for you to function. The un-met need is like pulling the batteries out of the energizer bunny. It just can't function.

I will in no way compare the need I was feeling to not having food or shelter or water but it was important to me and I am so lucky and yes- so very grateful to my love for meeting my needs.

Tips

2010-01-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

Found some good tips I thought I would share real quick.... 5 Weight Loss Tips.

They are all pretty good- especially the one about drinking water. The more water I drink the better I feel.

Do you have any tips/recommends? What's working for you??

Say Ahhhhhhhhhh

2010-01-08T07:05:00.001-08:00

So killing some time before I head off to the doctor. Yes its the girly doctor visit- the one all us chicks look forward too so so much. But like so much in life its one of those things that have to be done.

I had a mammogram done a year ago as a baseline before I hit 40 which I am very glad I did now that insurance may not cover it. I have many friends who have lost someone to breast cancer and I want to keep my ta-ta's healthy. They aren't much but they are mine! (Unlike the other 95% of my family I was not gifted in the breastular region- double D's as far as the eye can see but no where near me).

So this is also part of the re-newed health plan and making sure I am not dropping the ball on anything that is within my control. I went to the dentist for a (late) cleaning and I guess half my teeth are on the verge of developing cavities which really pissed me off because for the most part I gave up soda which I thought was the big culprit. Alas, my choppers still aren't great so I have (for the first time ever) been diligent about flossing every night and I have used a mouthwash rinse- recommended by my dentist in some shady under the table deal with the mouthwash people I am sure.

Next on the list is to get my blood check for my thyroid issue and see how that is- and also get my cholesterol checked. That was pretty good last year so we will see what a few months being "off the wagon" did to me.

I also have to get new lymphodema gear. The compression stockings I have to wear are shot. They aren't so much compression stockings anymore as just knee socks. And my bandages are all stretched out and losing their squeeze-y ness. That is one issue I do NOT want to come back. That was probably the hardest part of getting my health rolling in the right direction was getting that under control. I still can't believe I waited so long to get it treated. By the time I did my entire leg was basically one open, oozing sore.I am tempted to get the pictures from the doctor but I don't know if I could stand to look at them- it was that gross.

I also need to get my ass back to yoga class. I have been low on funds so I haven't been able to get a new package but I need it so much. Life just gets a bit easier when you take that time to treat yourself and do the stretches and meditate- even if your meditation is just sitting quietly. It all helps.

So yeah, operation "get mind, body, spirit in check" is well underway. What are YOU doing to get healthy?

For my love

2010-01-07T21:34:00.000-08:00

So I asked what your fave Tracey moment was and Chris answered (in the comments section- woot!) the Trapper Keeper one....I must admit that I didn't recall what that meant either so I went back and re-read it and then kept reading. It is so nice to have that reminder of how it felt when we first met. Recalling those butterflies (which I still get) and that woozy feeling he gave me (and still does).

I have not written as much about him probably because he is becoming a fixture, something that is always there and I fear that is just a hop away from taking him for granted which I vow to never do. I think I tell him enough but reading those entries reminded me how nice it is to go back and recall exactly when and how strongly I felt so let me say it again for him and for me to remember later (and the rest of you can read along).

Chris-

I love you so much. You are the love of my life and my soul mate and all those other schmoopy things that we say (but not enough). Life has reared its (sometimes) ugly head and thrown us some challenges and distractions but that can't be an excuse to not honor each other and celebrate US everyday. I am so grateful to you for everything you bring to my life and I love you more today than I ever have. You still make me giddy and I swoon when you say sweet things to me. You bring me such peace and I can only say thank you even though no words seem strong enough to let you know how I feel.

I will always be here for you. I will be your rock when you need someone to lean on and I will listen and be your best friend- as you are mine.

You will never have to be alone again because my heart is now and will always be with you- forever.

I can't wait to spend our lives together and I am so so so glad I found you.

You are my love and I am your girl.....always.

I love you baby.

Tracey Luann xoxoxo

Looking Back Looking Ahead

2010-01-07T17:14:00.000-08:00

Wow- so I was just looking at the number of blogs I posted last year- 121. I can't decide if that feels like a lot or not very many. And 79 from the year before. This is going into my third year of blogging? We have come a long way together haven't we my friends? I know what's happened in my life (and so do you....if you'd like to refresh your memory visit the archives and I will wait here for ya) but I wonder what has changed in your life? I have gotten a few emails here and there over my blogging life thanking me for sharing and just letting me know someone out there is listening.

When I write its "dear diary" time. I usually have a subject in mind but once I pull up a clean blog I just let my thoughts fly. What you see here is first draft stuff all the way baby. I never go back and edit and only do a quick spell check (that may explain alot right there eh?). I have said it before- this is my cheap counseling. If my blog was a place it would be a farm or a ranch (que the Iowa girl jokes) but these thoughts are like wild animals that once I let them loose they quiet down and are free to roam quietly. So this is a selfish place for me when I sit down to write but it helps to know that I am giving something too. Some of you have let me know that they have taken away some good stuff from what I have shared and for that I am so grateful. I really am. Knowing that I have caused even the smallest ripple in the universe is very satisfying and humbling all at the same time.

I'd still like to know what your favorite "Tracey moment" is (since we are all itching to use the comments section now right??). Post them below or let me know and I can do a top ten recap.

I know the one where I talk about looking in the mirror is my cousin Amy's favorite- what's yours?

So I'll bet you are all wondering how the Holidays went for me? (sigh) Mixed bag I am afraid. Holidays are always gonna be rough and anyone who has lost anyone around the Holidays can tell you its just a double whammy (thinking of you Rachel! many loving thoughts are with you). So they just aren't gonna be great. I can say there were some lovely moments and that is what I am gonna try like hell to hold on to.

There is so much going on- I know, when isn't there? It's all good stuff and is going to bring BIG GOOD change but this is that pitch black part of the tunnel- the one you get to riiiiight before you turn a corner and see a golden beacon of light (which you pray like a mo fo is NOT a train??!)

I can confirm that there is going to be great relationship based news in the near future- several steps will be taken this year however then when kinda depends on the above tunnel situation. Chris and I are going on 8 months of our relationship and we have already been through so so so much. I can say that I love him more everyday and I am so proud of the man he is. I see him as my partner, my future husband, the father of my children. He is amazing and its is mind blowing as we continue our path together we have more and more in common. We share some pretty amazing traits and have had similar things happen in our past that make for some interesting situations. Not all of them good but they all made us who we are.

I wish I could say life is perfect. That I found my Prince after my long sad battle (with my own demons) and now he is going to whisk me off and then next time you hear from me it will be on a postcard from "Happily Ever After" town. Yeah.....not so much. I wish Chris was perfect, I wish I was. I wish I hadn't gained the pounds I lost. I wish I had more money. I wish we had more time. I wish I could fix things that are well beyond my reach. But it isn't and I can't and it still can suck- a lot.

Life is just a big ball of suck sometimes. BUT.....I do have love. And I have knowledge. I know what I can do and I WILL do it.

Pity party over, time to saddle up and (save a horse) and ride (a cowboy) into the future.

Tally Ho!!

2010- A year of changes

2010-01-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

So my lovelies....the first blog of the new year. It's going be just a quickie but with a big request. Your participation. I am not sure why I have never had a "must leave a comment" kinda audience and I want you to know I LOVE comments. I'd love to hear your thoughts/opinions/questions/suggestions. In other words, once again I am turning to my tribe for HELP.

I also have BIG MAJOR plans for this blog soonish so I am also calling on everyone who reads this to TELL A FRIEND. Please pass on the link to anyone who you think might be interested/inspired by my story. I know its an odd thing blogging. You have to be narcissistic enough to write about yourself but then you are so insecure you feel like no one actually cares. So show me you care about me and each other. Make the comments section your new home and get to know each other. I promise everyone reading this has a story that would break your heart and I want to give you a gentle place where you heart can heal and get stronger.

Ok....so that's the housekeeping business. You all with me?? Good!

Now me- like I said this is the short version so the update for today is HEALTH. Yes I am back on the bandwagon after gaining 30 lost pounds back. Somehow they found their way home. Drat it all. So I am once again counting calories and getting back to exercising. I am looking for more diverse tools for this round and I thought you might like it if I shared? Yes? No? Let me know....y'anno, in the COMMENTS section? New habits take time to build....start by leaving a comment today just to see how it feels.

Ok so the TOOLS....and please feel free to suggest some. I am sure we would all love some tips. I found this website (thx Amy) the Hungry Girl website is awesome! All kinds of good info and I can't wait to try her omelet in a mug! I have also stocked up on fitness dvd's I got the Biggest Loser's Power Yoga (level one kicked my ass and I have been doing yoga for a year!) and the Boot Camp (tonight's adventure- stay tuned for my review).

Other than that I turn to you guys to give me some tips. Help!! My goal is to get to 175 and see how that looks then hopefully take it down to 160.

So that's the news for now. Look for some FUN announcements in the near future to break up all that drama that seems to keep finding me.

:)

For Troy (reposted)

2009-12-31T09:18:00.000-08:00

Troy Harold Herrick 7/13/65-12/31/2007.

I love and miss you forever. You were the best big brother I could ever want. Thanks for teaching me to drive a car and for giving me great life advice (like "don't drink,cuz throwing up...is not that much fun!") Thank you for giving me a beautiful niece and the coolest nephew ever who I will love fiercely with all my heart (especially the part you live in) for the rest of my life. Thank you for all the laughs we shared- and there were so so many. Thanks for your art- I don't think I ever told you how much I loved that you were an artist and how proud of you I was for that. Thanks for taking up archery and giving the animals a fighting chance when you went hunting. Thanks for all the torture you and Toni put me through- you were very mean but I have to admit you probably did teach me how to be tough for later in life when I'd need it.

Thanks for being part of our book club- I always was proud that a love of reading was something we all shared. Thanks for your random phone calls. As few and far between they may have been, I will treasure each one cuz I was so happy to get them and know you were thinking of me.Thank you for coming to AZ to see me- those are great memories and they bring you to my life here so I don't feel so bad not being back home in Iowa cuz you are here with me too. I am so proud of you for becoming a firefighter. I wonder if you ever even knew how that made you a hero- thanks for being my hero.

Thank you for letting me grow up in your eyes and not just be your little sister but to see me as an adult. Thanks for being my friend as an adult and for loving me as your sister and I know you did.I will never be ok with loosing you just when it felt like we were making progress. You tried so hard to open up and reach out and you did really well and you have to know I am so proud of you and I know it wasn't easy and you were hurting so much. It was a bad choice and you were wrong but I understand why and all I can do is hope your mind and heart and quiet and at peace. You deserve peace.

Someone asked me if I feel you with me and I don't (I hope I do someday soon) but I know you are with your kids and I will never be far away from them. I swear that. They will always have me in their lives so don't worry about them too much. I can't replace you but I'll love them twice as much in your honor. I'll take care of Toni too, you know she is missing you too. I'll be sister enough for both of us to her and Cory.I hope you knew most of this before. I think you did.

My last words to you in life were love you bye and I guess I need to say that again now. I love you so much, I miss you so much. Goodbye Troy...

From The Little Prince:

"All men have the stars but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–"

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You–only you–will have stars that can laugh!""And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'"

Happy Calendar Flipping

2009-12-30T08:06:00.000-08:00

So it's here- the time of year I hate. The day on the calendar that is like pouring acid into a not yet healed wound. The day I wish the whole world would ignore not have a global party on. Why can't it just be the day we flip the calendar? Must we draw so much attention to it? New Years Eve/Day was never my favorite Holiday in the best of times but now it is just a reminder of how long ago it is that I lost my brother.

Last year I embraced the horror and I spent the whole Holiday period reliving each painful moment of the year before (feel free to review the archives). It was cathartic and I needed to get out all that pain. I still have the visual of letting my memories roam about a soft, warm, protected pasture where they can be at peace. But that is not to say that there are not still scars. I still feel that pain. My eye still sting with tears at the most random moments thinking about him. I broke down just the other day as I was playing with art- I wondered if he would mock me (probably) but secretly be proud of me for being creative. I'll never know.

And there are additional losses this year like losing my Grandma to add to the burden of losing Troy. I don't want that, I don't want my memories of those I have loved and lost to be burdens. I keep hoping that I will find peace, that any second now the sharp edges of those memories will soften and I can hold them close again without shredding myself raw. That time has not come yet.

So this year we are going with denial. I am going to do my best to not think of the pink elephant in the room and just going on living. I hope that while I am busy doing that some of the edges might get ground down.

So :::shaking it off, throwing my shoulders back:::

I am doing my usual re-set to see where I am and where I want to go in 2010. I kick started this by getting a haircut and chopping 8 inches off my hair. New year, new look. I also started to Acai Berry cleanse. There is a 14 day weight flushing (and they do mean flushing) and then there is a 14 day fat burning cleanse. I am hoping this clears out the crud and helps get me revved up and on track for my new weight loss goals. My goal is to hit 175. I haven't locked down a timeline yet but I am thinking by summer for sure. I am just going to be gentle about it and aim for getting back into good eating habits and consistent workouts. I am super excited to have Chris help me and exercise with me as well.

I also want to bring Chris back to Iowa sometime in the spring to meet my whole Iowa tribe. WE are so lucky to have each other and I am so thrilled to have him and can't wait to get our life together started. With that comes a whole chain of goals and decisions to be made that we are working on together. Stay tuned for updates.

I am just doing my best to stay humble and grateful and be glad for the family I do have, my friends, my job and most of all for my love Chris. With all that good stuff going how can 2010 not be the best year ever? And hopefully next year the edges will have softened a bit more.

All my love to you my friends....

Have Yourself...

2009-12-23T11:58:00.001-08:00

So I am sitting here at work waiting for the last few sands in the work hourglass to run out and then I start my Christmas vacation. I am soooo looking forward to just a few days to unplug and unwind. There has been so much chaos and pressure the past few weeks, hell the past year for that matter that a deep, deep breathe is in order.

So much has changed these past months. I have lost so much yet gained the love of my life. Now that I have Chris in my life I can't imagine taking a single step forward without him by my side. Damn if it wasn't true what "they" all said- that when you find "the one" you will know instantly. I might not have known on our first date Chris was the one but I had that locked down by the third date and by the time we were a month in I was a goner. I was head over heels in real love for the first time in my life and I know he is my soul mate and my forever love.

I am sorry to not be with my family this year but at the same time its just not where I need to be. I need to be here and make that fresh start. What I am looking forward to most with the Holidays is frankly just being alive during them. Last year I was a zombie and as most of you know I spent them reliving the horror of losing Troy and went through it all step by step. I am ready to start putting the loss I have experienced behind me (adding in losing my grandma and other loses this year) and honor those who have passed by living. And not just living but thriving and experiencing joy and making the most out of MY time here. That is my gift to myself and all the people who love me.

It doesn't mean I miss Troy or my Grandma any less or that I am healed from all the scars I have BUT I -can- move on. I have such a bright future ahead of me in 2010 with the love of my life holding my hand and helping me get through everyday. That is more of a gift than I ever dreamt that I would have in my life.

And so to all of you who I love and thank you so much for your endless love and encouragement. I know you have laughed and cried this year right along with me and for that I thank you and I look forward to the next chapter- can't wait to see what happens next!!

Have a wonderful Holiday and please give someone you love an extra tight hug- the hug you get back will be from me!!

Update

2009-12-20T13:35:00.000-08:00

So I was gonna spending this afternoon taking my online defensive driving class that I MUST take because of a red light ticket BUT it expired from the date I registered (I thought I had until the end of the year- damn fine print). So I find myself with some time on my hands so I guess it's a good time to blog.

I guess I haven't done an overall update on what's going on in my life lately so here we go. Overall I am pretty happy with life. I know, shocking isn't it? That isn't to say there isn't day to day drama- there is. And that I don't have up and down days- I do. But big picture I am in a good place.

I guess this is the time of year you can't help but looking back and reviewing where you have been and what has happened this year and for me that is- alot. I hit a big goal and a personal milestone (under 200lbs) and while I am struggling with the day to day and moving to my next goal of hitting 160ish next year I am ok with where I am for this moment and look forward to hitting my next goal. And now I know I can do it! :)

The biggest change is of course falling head over heels with the man of my dreams. I think its fun that you were all along for the ride as well. You have been in the backseat of our relationship all along and have laughed and cried right along with us. Chris is been such a life changer. To have the unconditional love and support he gives me has filled up holes in me that I didn't even know I had. He is the perfect man for me and I know he has been my destiny all along. It's hard to explain to him just how much he has brought to me and how he has enhanced my life. I guess it's like putting on glasses for the first time. You are able to see without them but the way the world looks so much brighter and sharper and more clear with them- makes all the difference in the world.

He will never know all the little things he does for me, and big ones too. You all know he has been getting his art projects off the ground and we have had a lot of fun with the art shows but what he didn't realize is getting more involved in art has been on my bucket list for 4 years now and I have never done anything about it- until he opened that door for me, I am now working on my own stuff and have a whole new way to be creative and express myself.

Employment wise life has thrown me a few curve balls but I have to say I am really glad to have landed where I did and love being in the software space. It is interesting and challenging and it's great to be with such a solid company and work with such a good team. I am still pleased that this is a position I found solely through the power of my network which I invested a bunch of time building. It's good to know that was a good investment and now it's paying off for Chris too with a bunch of new options on the horizon for him.

It's been a challenging year for my family. I am excited to be a Great Aunt and can't wait to meet my grand-nephew in the spring. I wish the news was as positive for everyone. I just want it to be better for everyone and still struggle with what I can do to make it better for my family while I am so far away.

I am starting to start thinking about 2010 goals for me and for Chris and I as a couple and I am so excited to flip the calendar and start a whole new year and a whole new decade. I know without a doubt that 2010 will be the best year of my life and can't wait to share it all with you. As always I have to thank you all for your love and support.

Please do me a HUGE favor and leave me a comment with what you like/don't like/what gotten out of this blog. I would love to hear from you!!

Love and peace to you all....

-Tracey

The Ghost of Christmas Spirit

2009-12-14T18:37:00.000-08:00

The theme for the month is- I am trying.

Now this will make any of my fellow Rapport Master Grads crazy as "try" is a powerless word. Think Yoda- "there is no try, only do"and to a large extent I agree. Powerless words are just that-powerless. That doesn't make them any less true though and honestly I have been feeling pretty powerless recently.

I feel empty. I spent the better part of the weekend in a total zombie state. The waves of depression and cresting and I feel the dark tug of the undercurrent wanting to drag me down down down. I don't remember anything this weekend but sitting on my couch and tasting the salt of my tears which I couldn't even be bothered to wipe away. I'd probably still be sitting there if not for Chris coming over to pull me up and letting me rest on his strong shoulders. His love is literally the only thing holding me together right now.

It's the Santa hats.

I was looking through family pics and since I mainly was home only for the Holidays the past decade most of my pics are of Christmas. And in each pic my brother is there wearing yet another Santa hat. It was his thing and I never even really noticed. I have to say his last Santa hat was a doozy- it had a very odd looking beard attached and was suitable for scaring small children- which he did. Along with embarassing his own kids. So all of the sudden I see Santa hats everywhere and they all remind me of Troy.

I know several people who have recently lost someone they love and I think it is a special kind of hellish pain when you lose someone around the Holidays. I have to say all the joy has been sucked out of the season for me. I don't feel any Holiday spirit and frankly just wish they were all over and done with. And it's not just Christmas for me because as most of you know we lost my brother on New Years Eve and I flew home on New Year's day. So once again I will mentally relive that horror. I can't help it. You'd have better luck stopping the tide than turning my mind away from that horrific timeline. I'd love to look forward to this New Years and for the first time in my life being with the person I am sharing my future with as we kiss in the New Year but I don't see that day ever holding any joy for me.

And now this year I have the first year without my Grandma to look forward to. She is the heart of my family and without her I fear we are all a bit adrift. Everyone put forth an effort to make her happy and without her? I don't know....I hope traditions continue but I don't have much to say about it since I alone have chosen to move away. Not that I regret it and as awful as it sounds I am glad to not be home this year. Not that I don't love my family- they know I do. I would just rather have my own special time with each of them (preferably them coming to AZ) than make with the fake frivolity just because its Christmas.

Christmas is dead for me. It died with Troy and it died a bit more with my Grandma. It died with the erosion of my relationship with my mother and as much as I want to fix it all I can't. It is beyond my powers. I just want to crawl into a hole and hang a sign "closed for the season". I want to seal myself in a cave and only let my love come in and hold me and do his best to nurture my broken soul through this hideous time of year.

I want to believe, don't think I don't. I used to believe in the magic. I used to marvel at the wonderment and delight at all the merriments but the curtain has been ripped down and I see the illusion for what it is. I hope the magic comes back. I hope I can be lit up again and dream those dreams.....I'm trying. Really I am.

Dark Room

2009-11-24T16:52:00.000-08:00

Scene: dark room, pitch black except for a table with a mirror on it in a circle of light.

Direction: girl walks into room, looks around suspiciously then walks over to the table and takes a seat in the chair sitting in front of it. Looks into the mirror and looks at what is her own reflection but wearing a dark suit and Sarah Palin-like glasses

Ummmm, hi?

Hello Tracey. What brings you here?

I dunno, just kinda wandered in. Who are you?

Well isn't it obvious- I am you. The wiser, more rational part of you.

Oh, rock on. Where have you been all my life?

Don't get cute with me. I don't think you are clever. I have already heard all your jokes, doesn't impress me.

Damn. That hurts. Ok- I'll bite. Why am I here?

Well, I have been looking over your progress and I can't help noticing you are a bit of track.

(silence)

Would you like to tell me what's going on?

Don't you know?

Of course, I am you but I think it would helpful for you to tell me.

Well I was doing good, in a groove until July and then....

Then?

Then I took a break and decided I could let go and not be so careful and....errrrr

That hasn't worked out so well for you has it?

No, not really. I have gained about 25 pounds.

25?

Ok 30.....bitch

Calling me names isn't really gonna help now is it?

Kinda it does...

Ok then call me every name in the book but you are still going in the wrong direction.

I know.

And I think I recall you saying you weren't going to be one of those yo-yo dieters. That you were gonna take it off and keep it off.

Yeah....

So? What now. You are where you are. Can't change that. So let's talk about why you can't seem to get back on track.

It's just a lack of motivation. I have the right schedule so time isn't an issue.

Ok, good. So what is stopping you?

Honestly?

No lie to me dumb ass, as if I wouldn't know you were lying.

Shut up, it was just an expression.

I know.

(sigh) As I was saying...honestly I am going back to my self sabatoging ways. I am feeling exactly the same way about food that I always have. That it is my treat- that I can reward myself with it and that I deserve it. Just like a junkie with a needle over my arm I tell myself I can handle it when the truth is I can't. I can't do a moderatly good diet and when I slip a bit I slide all the way down. I start off a day being "good" then I will slip a bit and then the day is a loss. And then I figure the week is a loss and why work out if I have already "been bad" and then the cycle begins.

Hmmmm, why do you think you are talking about "good" and "bad". Are those the only 2 options?

Pretty much....

Why is that? Why is it good or bad can't it just be a choice? A choice you made and a choice you make differently next time?

I guess... Am I this annoying when I talk to other people?

Probably...

Shit.

Ok....so let's take good and bad off the table. Lemme go all Jillian Michaels on you and ask you the simple question. Why do you want to lose weight?

I want to be happy.

Bullshit, you are in love and are happier than you have ever been but you are still overweight? Why?

Because I feel I need to punish myself...

For what?

For not being good enough.

Ahhhhh, there is that "good" word. Good enough for who?

Honestly?

We covered this...

Yes, honestly I am not now nor have I ever been good enough for my mother. My mother doesn't accept me for who I am and she recently announced that she doesn't want to be in the same town as me. There I said it.

Damn- you sure did. How do you feel?

Scared

Of what?

Scared she is going to see this and hate me. Scared my family will reject me. Scared I will lose them all forever and I will be alone.

That is alot of fear to carry around with you.

Yup.

So now what? What are you going to do to get past this?

Well I guess this is a first step.

Yes it is....a pretty big one I'd say.

Then I guess I will wait and see what the fall out is.

Ok, and what are you going to do in the meantime.

I will take smaller steps, meaning I will go back to basics and not look at weeks or months but start building a string of small steps to start rebuilding back to where I was.

How about you not worry about where you were and just be where you are and go from there.

Ok, fair enough. Are we done?

Got somewhere else to be?

Well SYTYCD is on....

Oh for fuck sake, if your life isn't as important as a reality dance show go ahead...

Ok- thanks

(dashes out of the room)

Holiday Spirit

2009-11-24T08:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I wish everyone a day of happiness with family and friends and all things warm and comforting. That's what it is all about right? Being with people you love. The people who know and love you best and that you can totally relax and be yourself with. I wish that for you and I wish I had that for me this year.

Don't get me wrong- I am very excited to be spending my first major Holiday with my new family. I have the wine and I am looking forward to spending time with Chris and getting to spend some more time getting to know his mother. Nervous? Sure but it will be great and I am excited about it.

It's just not -my- family and as great as it will be it won't be the same Holiday I grew up with and the truth is that kind of Holiday will never happen again now that we have lost my Grandma.

In my family my Grandma was truly the heart of the family. The one and only thing she ever really wanted was to have her whole family together for the Holidays. She would cook for days and days. That weird green bean casserole. The pink fluff gunk with odd bits of chewy things that no one ever quite identified. There was always the one dish that didn't exactly come together as planned.

There was always a race for the star dishes....turkey and ham. Sitting down next to the butter if you wanted a hope of ever getting your buns buttered. And the holy grail- the mashed potatoes. This was the most heavily mocked side for who had the biggest mound and yet I think it was out of jealousy for not getting there first. We would eat early- about 1pm which was great cuz it left the whole day open for eating, grazing the leftovers after dinner and then a good amount of time before the pies got broke out. Now Grandma loved her pie and we would have: pumpkin, apple, cherry, lemonade (special request for Toni and Debbie), and mincemeat. To this day I hope I never ever learn what a mince is and why we want its meat in a pie.

The best part of the day was never the food though (sorry Grandma) it was a chance to flop down in a dog pile of family and in a food coma just chat and laugh and tease with my family. Now more often than not I was the butt of this teasing but yes, I can even now look back on that with some nostalgia. What I wouldn't give to hear Troy teasing me for some random thing. What I wouldn't give to feel my Grandma patting my thigh as she told me to be a good girl (this isn't a little girl memory btw- if I saw her right this second she would say the same thing.)

Just sitting here now I can see my mother's house and smell all the Thanksgiving smells. The oven cranking meant it was the one time of the day that the house was even close to warm. Mom was famous for keeping her house and temperature "ice box". I miss it and I miss being home.

But as I said.....it's not gonna happen anymore. My mom was never a fan of being the hostess so she is happy to give up that task and the family is drifting apart. The kids are growing up and have other places to be and of course I am out of state.

Soooooo I will have an enjoy my Holiday and start some new traditions with the newest members of my family and it will be imperfectly perfect and we will start our own new traditions. And in my head I will hit the replay button and bring some of the spirit of those past days into my heart and that will be enough.

I love and miss you Troy and Grandma, you will always be here in my heart.

Crack

2009-11-16T16:58:00.000-08:00

I know I am bad- I promised myself I would blog this weekend but I got busy with the boy and then yesterday was all about chillaxing. Sorry! Or as all the Canadians in my life would say (and suddenly there are a lot of them sore-ee!!)

I guess I have been reluctant to sit down and put pen to paper (so to speak) because there is one last big can of worms in my life to crack open and it is the only thing that is on my mind. I can't sleep because of it and I think about it pretty much every minute of everyday. It's the last wall to break down and the last hurdle to leap over but the bitch of it is that it is totally and utterly out of my control.

I really don't even know now as I write this if I dare "go public". My faithful readers (love ya) know what a delicate balance I have created here in sharing MY life but not dragging anyone else into it-or at least minimizing the collateral damage as much as possible. When I have written about people in my life it has been with their advanced permission and blessing (for the most part). If I dare to crack open this can.....it will cross that line. It is by far the most painful thing in my life and I don't know that I can move on without dealing with it and for better or worse this sacred space has been my tool for dealing with the deep dark creepy crawly scary memories and experiences that have held me back. I have become quite convinced that I have gone as far as I can in my health crusade and what is holding me back from crossing the finish line of where I want and need to be is this issue.

To say I am scared is the understatement of the century. I know how words hurt. Even ones you believe in and believe to be true. Even truth can be a rock that shatters. Shatters people, shatters lives, shatters families and all the relationships you hold dear. And you can never know where its gonna stop. Just because I feel the need to tell my version of the truth, that's not to say that there isn't another perfectly valid version and it's not fair that because I am holding the mike and I have the stage that the other version, whatever it is, true or not, gets told. And once cracked the glass will never be whole again. And let's face it, if this one gets out of the bag it won't be a crack it will be a full on tsunami of damage. The kind that people never heal from.

So yeah....I am reluctant to "go there" even though I honestly feel that if I don't the cost may be my soul. Or at least my piece of mind. And given that I am on the verge of shedding this old skin (literally once I get my surgery) and becoming the person I was meant to be- I don't know if I can hold on to this chunk of my life, my history, and still move forward. My future is precious to me and it is RIGHT THERE, Chris is standing before me with his hand extended. He will love and protect me for the rest of my life (and me him) and we are gonna have a family and live fantastically fabulous lives.......but not if I still am holding on to this.

I know its time to toss the ballast overboard so we can really sail. It's time to let go and give my heart the peace I need. I need to love and forgive and let go......am I ready?

That is the question....stay tuned for the answer.

(Oh, or give me a call if YOU figure it out!!)

Forgive and be Grateful

2009-11-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

So the yoga studio has a theme every month and not a big surprise, this month's theme is gratitude. What with the Holiday that is all about giving thanks upon us that seems more than appropriate but as we went into meditation about being grateful for the things we have (as opposed to wanting the things we don't) I got stuck. We were supposed to be giving thanks to ourselves for all the things we do for ourselves and for other people but for me I found myself not able to even go there.

Instead what I went to was the need to focus on forgiveness. For me there can be no gratitude until there is forgiveness and I have been trying very hard to dig and really get to the cause of why I am struggling so much with maintaining my weight. I just find my impulse control going out the window. For no damn reason at all last night I grabbed a donut when I got gas last night. Totally canceled out the joy of the fat free cappuccino I was "treating" myself too. I got into the car and inhaled the damn thing before it even processed that I had bought it in the first place and I felt that same panic/rush I have felt so many times in my life. All I can figure out is that I am punishing myself.

The things I have punishing myself for is very long and I could fill pages and pages with the list. Things like not being there for my family, not being loved by my mother (cuz clearly that is my fault), not being strong enough, not being in a better financial situation, not doing what I know I should do, not making the right choices......blah blah blah. I could go on for days.

So what I thought about today is how do I forgive myself and I know it starts by letting go.

Sure......no problem. Let go. Easy

I am certain I am not the only person in the world who struggles with this issue but it's tough. It's hard to take accountability and ownership of your life while letting go of some of those things all at the same time. And if I am brutally honest I don't want to let some of those things go because I really believe I have done things that I do need to suffer and be punished for and I have to believe that this lack of impulse control that has been taking over and making these bad decisions for me is my BS acting the role of the Punisher. (cue the super villain)

So that was my moment today. I am hoping by forcing myself back into writing consistently this blog will do for me what it has done before and be that mirror and that guide that helps me work out and see what it really going on cuz right now I feel more than a little adrift and I don't want to get so far out that I can't see land and can never get back to where I was.

Help.....(she says to the universe)

Help me to see and understand and learn.....I will offer it up and let what is supposed to happen, happen.

Namaste.

Being a LOSER

2009-11-05T19:13:00.000-08:00

So what is life like after one loses 200+ lbs? I just got done watching the Biggest Loser and ironically Tracey (not me, duh) went home tonight. I didn't really like her and kinda mad she has my name (even spelled the same way- weird) but it did get me thinking about the happy sparkly packages they show of everyone "after the show".

There are fat pant clips (feel free to revisit my rant about this topic), clips of sweaty people in gyms still working out consistently and totally loving life.

Is it real?

I am sure most of it is, most days. But here I am my very own Biggest Loser and its not all sparkly and shiny. I don't have my fat pants cuz I gave them all away as soon as I grew out of them and while I struggle to find that happy balance in "the real world" my new pants are starting to get a bit tight again. For me life is not easy peasy post weight loss. Not that I feel I am at the end of my weight loss journey but for a variety of reasons this summer totally threw me off my game and I haven't yet found my way back to a schedule and routine I can live with.

So for me, not so easy, and I think that is important for people to know. I knew going into this whole process that the back end part would be the real struggle and it is living up to what I expected. I feel like I have always been pretty realistic about what I can and can't do and what to expect. It is just another stretch of road that needs to be traveled.

I was at such a high level with my workouts back in July and when I go to workout now I get so pissed that I am not at that level anymore. I know I worked like a fiend to get where I was and I need to let me body slowly build back up but I find myself getting tired and frustrated and then I give up and don't workout the rest of the week.

It's a struggle....and I still find myself very conflicted with the whole world of "treats". I want to be a person who can have "A" cookie and that's it but if I have "A" cookie I find myself also grabbing a caramel latte to wash it down and then if I have already had that why not have a few other "treats" as long as I am "good" tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I already blew it yesterday so why not just wait and start over on that most coveted day of all dieters....c'mon, say it with me: The diet starts on MONDAY! (coughbullshitcough)

I know I can resist, I did it for a WHOLE YEAR....so why can I not keep it together right now? I am trying not to beat myself up about it but I live in mortal fear everyday of the scale creeping up the wrong direction. And let's face it, I can't go back to where I was. I can't afford the new pants!!

So yeah, in my opinion life after being a Loser is better, no question. It is also a whole new set of challenges and struggles and I haven't scene THAT show yet.....but I am a living Loser everyday.

Tis the Season

2009-11-03T14:50:00.000-08:00

I guess it is no surprise that family has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks. This is the time of year when families get closer and plans get made and who is bringing what and blah blah blah....all that good stuff.

The Holidays are bittersweet for me. Moving forward in my life there will always be the shadow of sadness covering them as we come upon the anniversary of losing my brother (New Year's Eve) and this year will be the first year without my Grandma.

My Grandma was all about the Holidays. She would bake and cook for days and the parade of hot pots and bowls and trays of goodies was endless when it came time to pack up all her stuff and bring it over to our house (my mom's house) for dinner. All she ever wanted was all her family together and twice a year she got it and I know they were the happiest moments of her life.

Living so far away I slowly drifted out of the Holiday routine going from barely decorating or celebrating the Holidays to these days, unless I go back to Iowa, I don't celebrate at all. It is just another day to me. That's not to say I haven't gotten plenty of invites to be a guest over the years and occasionally accepted them but its always a bit awkward to be the guest at someone else's family celebration. They never do things the way your family does which a) is just wrong and b)reminds you that you aren't with your family.

This year I will be with Chris and his mom and we will begin our new family celebration. It's going to be weird and an adjustment for us all. I already have been warned that they do Holidays big so I am revving my Holiday motor up.

Still.....it will be different and a little sad. But that's ok and I am sure we will find a way to honor everything that is important to us all about family, old and new.

The important thing is...we are all together in heart if not in body.

Prince Charming

2009-10-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

So love doesn't conquer all.

No this isn't going to be some sad posting about something wrong with Chris and I. Thank god I have a solid and wonderful man in my life who loves me. It still sounds so amazing to me to hear him murmur in my ears as he is nibbling on my neck how much he loves me. I am doing my best to accept his love and know how worthy I am, but between you and me I just don't know what he is seeing when he looks at me. I know it must be good cuz he gets this soft schmoopy look on his face and his eyes twinkle when he looks at me but when I try it- there is nothing that makes my eyes twinkle when I look in the mirror,trust me.

Which brings me to my point. While I thank all that is good in the world everyday for Chris's love it is not and hasn't been a magic wand that makes everything better. I guess this is important for me to say because it's kinda like all those weight loss secrets that they keep from you (like counting calories and exercise is how you lose weight.....seriously, they should TELL people this stuff). When you spend your whole life without that great love you start projecting all your hopes and dreams and fantasies into it.

The Prince Charming fantasy....that HE will come on his white horse and sweep you off your feet and you will live happily ever after.

Ummmmmm....

That isn't exactly how it goes as it turns out...

Don't get me wrong. Chris is totally my prince and my soul mate and THE ONE. I have no doubts about that. None. And I do believe he is my happily ever after but what I have come to realize is that might take a combined effort. Prince Charming needs rescued as much as I do. We all do....(that comment isn't specific to Chris or any other "Prince" out there).

I guess I have spent so many years with my nose pressed to the window of this fantasy world where inside everyone was swirling around in the blissful dance at the ball. All dressed up and happy and safe in the bubble of their love. I think anyone who hasn't (yet) found that great love should kinda start prepping for the fact that no one can save them. Scratch that.....only THEY can save them.

The truth is I am still every bit the hot mess I was over 5 months ago- BC (before Chris). I still have weight issues ,which now that I am in the land of "normal" food I am struggling to find that balance for myself. And I am struggling. It is a slippery slope to work without a net. It's tough to find that fine line and when can I have the treat and when do I cut calories.

And a very unexpected side effect is I am trying to stick to a budget and what is economical is rarely what is healthy. Kinda sucks.

Oh yeah, and once I got out of the working out everyday no expectations train. Well....that isn't going well. I am lucky to force myself to workout 3times a week.

But its for me to figure that out. Chris loves me and will love me no matter what. Getting on the tread mill has nothing to do with him. Nor does my food choices (except when he cooks- damn him for being such a great cook!!) The choices I make and the reasons I make them are still mine. Yes I have love and am secure in that, but I still have the fear and panic in me that throws me off my path.

In fact now that I do have one huge corner of my life secure it is my fears who are trying like hell to take over the party. It is my demons, my bad BS (belief system) that feels threatened. This is the time in my life where they help me in my penchant for self sabotage.

I am doing what I can to get ahead of that and be super aware but sometimes I fail and fail huge. The good news and the lesson I have learned is that everyday is a chance to make a new choice. Can't do anything about the bad choices I have already made expect try to learn why and where they came from and do what I can to learn and make a different choice next time.

I still feel like something is missing. I used to attribute it to loneliness and "if only I had someone in my life who really loved me" that would go away and I would be whole. Well, I couldn't be more in love and I have a boy who can and will drop everything to tell me how much I am loved as often as I need to hear it. But that hasn't filled the hole....only I can do that. Only my love for MYSELF can do that.

So for anyone who does have their nose still pressed to the glass and wonders what it is like at the ball I am here to tell you that of course it is wonderful and fun. Of course it is.

You knew that already....but unless you can dance with yourself and be happy no Prince will ever be able to truly be able to make all your dreams come true.....be your own Prince Charming.

I'm just a Bill....

2009-10-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

I believe the request went something like this..."post something, ANYTHING. Post, damn you post!!"

Who am I to deny a request like that so here I am posting away.Ok what I am really doing is totally avoiding the stack of bills I can't quite cover and ergo delaying the whole "which bill is can I play the check game with this week." The good news is I get paid weekly and bill pay has that handy feature which lets me know when the e-check will clear my account. Except when it doesn't and then throws my whole account off and I get dinged for $70 in overdraft fees that if I could afford those I wouldn't have had to play the check game in the first place. Grrrrr.

I truly hate doing this and while I love my job and am grateful to have it, it just barely covers my bills with little wiggle room. I am a girl who likes to wiggle so this is a problem. Not to mention I am a girl who has a very shiny future to plan and pay for so I need some more cash-ola coming my way. I'd love to say I could just cut my bills but the past year(s) have seen me cut to the bone. I am actually kinda over this whole owning a condo in the city scene but as now is not the time to sell and I do still need a place to live this is a problem. And until a certain row of dominoes which we shall call "my future plans" topples over is just the right direction.....well here we are.

It's not awful and for the most part I am getting by but I just hate that strapped feeling. Just 3-4 years ago I had so much free cash to do with what I wanted. Not that I blew thousands on crap, hundreds maybe but I have never lived an extravagent lifestyle so cutting out the extra's just doesn't leave much.

I know I am not alone here but when it's your pile of bills and your life it's hard to keep the big pic in mind.

I know enough bitching. Again, I am grateful for all that I have but like a true american I'd like just a wee bit more and if I didn't have to do or change a thing to get it that would be great....thanks!

Bad

2009-10-23T14:19:00.000-07:00

Oh my little blog, how I have neglected you. It's not on purpose I assure you. I have had things pop into my head to post but nothing so compelling as to drag me over to the computer to sit my arse down and start to post. Even now there is no pressing message I wish to release to the world just free forming it.

I did want to send some love to my hometown crew. We lost a classmate and it has been a very sad week. I don't know that it has been discussed much but it feels to me like a new phase where we are just going to start losing more and more people "our age" and I can feel my own mortality knocking knock knocking on my door. For me of course it brings up thoughts of my brother and my family. That's the thing about death I learned during my time as a crisis counselor in college. The death of someone you know is never just about their passing, it also stirs the pot of every other loss you have ever experienced and you deal with those losses all over again as well.

So much love to my Boonies and especially to Jane and the kids in FL and rest well Blake.

And life keeps rocking even when bad stuff happens.

Life has slowed down to a much appreciated crawl for me in many respects. I really like my job, like my coworkers and am mostly making enough to cover my bills. There is still drama in my life but for the most part its not mine it is my families so I am doing my best to support from afar and I am looking about planning a spring trip to come home and hopefully bring my boy for the grand introductions to my Iowa life. Lord help him....

The holidays are looming and I am very much looking forward to spending them with my boy and his mother....aka my new family. :) I have no idea what to get my boy for Christmas and the Holidays are a big deal to him so no pressure! He has this unsaid rule that you shouldn't have to ask what a person wants if you really know them so I am going to have to start taking some copious notes!! Not to mention what to get his mom.....

As for Chris and I things are wonderful. We are now at the 5 month mark which doesn't sound nearly as impressive as almost 6 months....that almost sounds like a really real relationship. I have to admit I still can't believe what a wonderful guy like him is doing with me. He really does make me so happy and I just can't believe he loves me. And naturally I am head over heels for him in a big big way. It is so amazing to think and plan for our future....getting engaged, getting married, our first house, starting a family. Things I had stopped thinking were part of my plans or in my future but now....seem to be the path that I was on all along.

So kids, that is my world in a nutshell.....how have YOU been? :)

Scarred

2009-10-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

Just when you think its safe to get back it the water- KABAM! Something comes at you from left field. I have been keeping a low profile lately to do some internal inventory but mostly because I have been focused on some issues/problem that are affecting the people I love most in this world. As I have said before many times their issues are not mine to talk about or share here. I would never do that to them but if you know my family just please do reach out and send them some love and support. We could all use some...

How this has affected me is...complicated. I wish I could say I was being the rock they could cling to or the soft place where they can land but I'm not. I can't help feel like I have failed them all in a big way. Chris and I have talked about it and because he is here with me and as much as he loves my family (as much as you can without meeting them) because he loves me he is most concerned about how I deal with their issues. How do I deal with it? Not well. I tend to take responsibility for not being there and not being able to fix them. Yes, I know I don't have that power and its not my job to fix them. I know that but it's still what I want with all my heart and soul to do. And I feel so guilty for not being there. I want to be able to drive over and sit down and hug and cry with them. I want to be able to yell and scream and kick their ass when they need it. But all I can do is call or text or scour facebook for little hints of how they are doing. It's so frustrating and it makes me heartsick.

It doesn't matter the specifics of what's going on. The details are just incidental to the bigger issues which is.....we are all scarred. (btw- even notice how close the words scarred and scared are? I don't think that is an accident)

I won't blame my brother's death for all of it because my gene pool is just predisposed to depression and all its fun little sick kicks already. That fact just turns up the volume on everything else. But it is certainly the tsunami that my family is still rebuilding from...it will be 2 years on December 31st and it might as well have been yesterday some days. The hole and the void of losing Troy plus the loss of my grandmother thjis year. who I have come to see was and is the soul of our family, has thrown us all into a tailspin so devastating that we are all still spinning. I know any illusion that I have come to some kind of peace about it has been just that- an illusion. And the worst part is I have let it spill into other areas of my life.

I have let the fact that all this family drama has flared up as an excuse to not stay focused on my health and as a result I have not worked out consistently since the beginning of July. I have let go of personal relationships and when I am not with Chris I am content to sit in my condo alone and just hide. I thought I was taking a breather and letting myself catch up with where I am at emotionally but the truth is I am hiding. I am also getting into some pretty bad self sabotaging habits like getting "treats" for myself. I keep telling myself a cookie here are there won't hurt and yet all of the sudden it has become a rare day where I don't find myself "treating" then justifying the reasons. Then I tell myself its ok to have the cookie or latte if I work out when I get home but by that time I do I am so overwhelmed by the day I just collapse and hide.

And worst of all I have let this fear affect my relationship with Chris. Last week was a very sad week and we were both very hurt because I was totally blind to something that he needed from me but in my own bubble I couldn't see or understand. He is so protective and understanding it took a major blow up to make me understand. I hate being wrong and I was, very wrong and it killed me to be the cause of pain to the man I love with all my heart. I never want that to happen again. (Again, I am so sorry baby)

My scars are deep and they are everywhere I look. My whole body right now is a reminder of a life of pain and loneliness. Every inch of sagging and droopy skin reminds me of how long I have spent hating myself and getting in my own way and every time I go for that "treat" I am telling myself "you aren't worth it" and that is not what I want. Every glance in the mirror shows me sad and empty eyes full of pain.

I have said so many times here life is about choices and my bad choices....my bad BS (belief system) has been in control. I see that I have real potential to be happy and successful and so my BS is waging a war to sabotage me and I have been doing a darn good job of letting it.

The scars go deeper than that though. The physical scars are easy to deal with, someday I will get the surgery I need to tighten things up and lift them where they should be but the ones on my heart... those are tougher to heal. I may never get to a place where I am not afraid. I just feel like I have lost so much I am terrified every day that I will gain all the weight back, that I will lose Chris, that I will lose another family member, that I will never get out of my own way once and for all. It goes on and on and its such a struggle. It's exhausting....

All I can do it just work on it and keep improving. Chris and I went to the zoo yesterday and did a ton of walking, granted it was after a breakfast of stuffed french toast and a cinnamon roll but we walked well over 10 miles. Then today I went back to the park and walked 7.5 miles . It's not losing 30 pounds but its something and rebuilding and getting back on track has to start somewhere and maybe the scars will never heal but that doesn't mean I have the right to stop trying....

Learning to Walk

2009-09-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

I read a quote today and this is paraphrasing but it went something like "As I grow I don't change so much as I become more fully myself." I have been turning this over in my mind all day and kinda mulling it over. It def fits where I am in my life right now. The task I have at hand is to get to know this version of me as I become "more fully myself".

I guess I like it because it gives the impression that we are all walking a path. I have this visual of being a glass and each step forward fills that glass up just a drop more.....soon the glass will be filled and you will be who you were meant to be, unless of course you are me and that glass gets spilled all over and you have to start over that is.

What I do know is I am more afraid right now than I have ever been- of everything. I am so unsure and unsteady and I have been having the worst dreams I can recall, all about someone or something being taken from me as I watch helplessly.

After talking to Chris I realized just how much of what I do and what drives me is fear based. I must admit I was taken back by this fact. I thought I was mastering my own destiny and taking control (grabbing life by the ballz and taking names) but really I am in blind panic mode. Everything seems so delicate now and it feels like it could all be taken away in a flash. I feel like I am barely holding on to my place in this world at times and I am just worried about how easily it can be taken away. Some of it is rational and some not so much. Like I still panic just a little but everyday that Chris is gonna find that fatal flaw and leave me. I know in my soul that isn't so and won't happen but those fears keep whispering to me "it could happen, couldn't it??". Then of course with my recent employment history (4 jobs in one year- yay me!) its no shock that I am more than a little concerned about the longevity of this job (compounded by the fact that it is a contract role). Even my family I feel (in some cases with very good reason) that those relationships aren't as solid as they could be.

So what to do? That is part of what has brought me to this place where I know I need to stick a pin in my life and just get on solid ground for a little while. I was showing Chris a pair of shoes with 2 inch heels that I could have never worn before (because of the lymphodema) and now they are my faves and my most comfy pair and he made a profound observation. He looked at me and said "you are learning to walk all over again."

And so I am, and by walking around in these new "more fully me" shoes and just being more aware and actually taking a minute to take a breathe, look around and just BE I hope some of those fears will settle down. I don't want my life ruled by fear and so I will walk until these shoes get as comfy as my bedroom slippers!!

Guilty Pleasures

2009-09-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

I am now, always have been and always will be a lover of TV. I have many friends who look down their noses at the glowing box that gives (most of) us so much pleasure and even my boy thinks that a day with no TV is a good day. Being a child of the 80's I grew up with TV as my babysitter and learned all of life's most important lessons from the after school specials I saw (oh, and all the Molly movies...RIP John Hughes, what would teen angst have been without you). What the heck ever happened to them? I'll bet you can trace the second the economy truly started to crumbled to the last airing of a heady lesson filled drama that was aired between 3 and 4 pm.

Anyways, what I am saying is I was always predisposed to TV brain washing. I am a willing victim and I have to say that this week marks a magical time of year. Fall Premier week!! Ahhhhh, let's embrace and wallow in this moment for a second. Before all the cancellations begin and before the shows we want to love begin to disappoint. Before shark jumping and before off set drama becomes a plot line spoiler (yeah, I am looking at you Izzy!)

This is the week where the fall line up lay before us like a field of new fallen snow. Unspoiled by the critics bashing and the fuckwad stars screwing it up for us....for now its all there before us beckoning us into the fall months where hot chocolate and sweaters await.

I am sorry but there is nothing better to me than a great story and I don't care where that story comes from. Reality TV, cable, network even a Monday Night Football game.....I love it all. I guess its the same thing the drove me to pursue (but not complete, details) a sociology degree. I love the way a story can unfold in the most unexpected of ways. Sometimes its a hero's story and sometimes its just watching some dumb asses make utter fools of themselves- either way the story grips me and won't let me go.

I used to feel guilty but dammit I get sucked in when Tim Gunn is telling someone how fabulous their garment is or when Tom Colicchio gives his nod to a great dish (oh when are they gonna invent smell-o-vision??). Do I think this is Oscar worthy faire? Maybe not but it is entertaining and that is the point (and that's why they invented the Emmy's- thanks NPH!!)

Bring it on, bring on the specials and the challenges and the "most dramatic rose ceremonies" yet. Show me the twisted plot lines and character flaws. I dare you to make me laugh and cry and to inspire and perhaps even teach me. Do what you will with me fall TV season cuz I have been waiting all summer long for you!!

Slow down and breathe.....

2009-09-21T13:56:00.000-07:00

I have to apologise to my beloved blog readers.....I have been pulling away from you. Not on purpose mind you but for some reason I haven't been compelled to write recently. I have been having a good long think about that and a bunch of other things and I have come up with a few truths that I am working through. This is in no small way due to my wonderful boy who helped me talk a bunch of this stuff out on a beautiful date last week. Amazing how easy it is to find peace and clarity when you are surrounded by twinkly lights and listening to the splashing of a gorgeous fountain with the man you love with all your heart.

Hmmm, the boy. He is as good a place to start as any. You know, lemme back up actually. Starting with Chris is kinda jumping in the middle. So...backing up. You guys all know that a ton has changed for me over the last 2 years (and for those new readers who don't know read the archives then re-join us.....we'll wait.) What I have discovered is I am totally overwhelmed by all the change. It just doesn't stop. The changes in my life keep going off like a mine field in the middle of a battle. Now I have copped to being a change junkie but I don't want to become one of those people who have chaos be their "status quo". I want my change to be purposeful and lead me to a path where I find peace and comfort and serenity. I don't want mock 10 with my hair on fire to be my "go to" state.

So what's new besides everything? Seriously....since we lost Troy, and really tack on at least 6 months before that....there is not a single area of my life that isn't totally changed. The weight loss alone would be enough but that is just a piece. A big piece but its not the whole story. That being said- I knew I would change as a result of the journey I took in losing the 200+ lbs but what I have come to realize is I have not taken even a second to get to know me now. I have changed, I am not a whole new person but I have taken on so much new stuff and I haven't done a good job at assimilating this new "stuff" into who I am and then getting to know this enhanced version of myself. I am all brand new and I don't know who -this- me is yet.

I look in the mirror and for the most part it is still a surprise to see the face and body reflected back at me. This isn't the me I have known for over 35 years....this is a brand new person and I haven't even said "hello" and "welcome to the party" yet. I thought that was what I did when I went home in July but I was still so "in the process" there wasn't a chance to breathe let alone stop and take it all in. And it hasn't stopped since. So that is one small piece...new body, new girl. Who is she? I, for one, would like to get to know her.

Next....ahh yes, here is where the boy fits in. My wonderful, cuddly, cute, kind, and amazing boyfriend. Yes, MY boyfriend. It will be 4 months on the 25th and I wake up everyday stunned that someone like him loves me. And I know he loves me, I feel it with his every look and touch and even text how much he loves me....what I keep wondering is why?? I know I have earned a man like him I just can't believe he is really real. And the challenges we have already faced as a couple prove to me we can handle anything but this is so new to me. Honestly it has been so long since I have had a serious relationship and I have never been in love like this before. Funny how real love makes the relationships you tried to force into "love" status seem so pathetic. So being a girlfriend? Totally new territory....I have no idea who "Tracey the girlfriend" is let alone how she melds with this new Tracey that exists. It's an interesting layering process.

Then as one great love enters my life I have to acknowledge the truth that one of the most important relationships in my life is broken, perhaps forever. It may very well be beyond repair and while I cling to the shreds of hope- this loss will haunt me everyday and I ache for it.

Then as I look at the rest of my family....well let's just say I wish like hell I had a magic wand that I could just wave all the pain away. But I can't and I can only walk my path and give as much to them as I can while keeping my own head above water.

So that is what has been on my mind......so much change and I haven't done anything to deal with it. So what I have decided to do is just breathe, relax and settle into this life for a bit. I have a great new job that requires a lot of brain power and I am very excited about the challenges it has and the opportunity I have here to grow. I want to learn how to be a girlfriend, how to be the best girlfriend I can possibly be for my boy cuz he deserves the very best. He gives me so much and I want to make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him everyday. I want to be a good sister, aunt and daughter cuz my family needs me. And I want to get to know me.....I think I might like this chick, she's got some spunk to her- I can tell.

So if I have slowed down please understand that it is what I need to do. I love you but this space is first and foremost my healing place and it must always be that or else I'd be cheating us all.

So now, slow down and breathe me with.....we can get there.

Together.....

If You Don't Stand for Something, You'll Fall For Anything

2009-09-15T17:54:00.001-07:00

This topic has come up in a couple of different ways for me and it got me thinking about taking a stand and when it is important to do so.

I missed my chance to make a big 9.11 speech and I feel like that is something that is best addressed on the day so I will save what I had to say until next year save this....I don't know about the rest of you but I never got the "National Day of Service" memo and I think it is a fantastic idea. It was too late this year but next year I plan to -at the very least- organize to deliver bagels/donuts to the local firemen and police officers to express my personal thanks for their service (as you may recall my brother was a fireman). I also plan to donate blood- this is what I did the day the towers fell. I was living in Chicago and had no family close by so rather than go home and sit alone I went to the nearest blood bank and waiting to donate blood. I was so far down on the list that I never got called but I sat there for a good 5 hours perfectly content to just be with other people and doing something...didn't matter what it was. I got out of the habit of donating blood which I used to do very regularly (being AB+ I always felt a certain obligation to donate- being a rare type and all) so I am glad for the reminder and plan to make that my new 9.11 tradition. This is an issue worthy of taking a stand on.

What is important to people- to you- changes in a moment. You may love your house but if burns to the ground you may find that what you loved most were the people you invited inside it. Priorities can change in the blink of an eye.

So many people have had so much throw at them these past months and it changes what is important. For me, I feel like I have lost so much and my feet still aren't quite on solid ground. It is getting better and I am getting more and more steady each day but when you have lost so much you get in survival mode and then get in defensive mode. I know how much I am willing to give up right now and its more than I ever thought because I realize how much of it just isn't important. How much is just what I call "background noise". I have learned that I can give up TiVo and dinners out and other "things" and "stuff" that used to seem so important. I know where the lines in the sand are, at least until that line creeps up to my toes and I have to once again re-evaluate to see if that is really as important as I'd thought- again. You have to adjust to survive.

I have been chasing a 6 figure income for so long. I have gotten in range a few times and it always seemed possible with the sales jobs I have had and the talent I felt I possessed. Hitting that target was always such a driver for me and so important. And now for the first time in over 15 years I have a job that isn't commission driven because I have realized that, for now, a 6 figure income isn't what is most important to me. Having a solid position with a good company that I can grow with- now that is important! Work life balance is important. Making time for my boyfriend and family- that is important!

All these things I never thought would be an issue for me is what is critical for me now. I was joking with my buddy who got me the new gig that I am trying something new and plan to keep my head down and mouth shut and just do my job. You may giggle at that but I have long prided myself on being the one who points out that the Emperor isn't wearing any clothes... and by the way here is the ensemble he should be wearing. I have been a loud voice and being the change junkie you all know and love you can correctly guess that carried over into my work life as well.

Now? Not so much.....I was joking a bit when I said I was gonna keep my mouth shut. Of course I am going to fully contribute and help my team grow but I really kinda meant it too. Frankly I can't risk losing this gig. I have to fight to keep this stability thing I am building going and so I am not going to color outside the lines. If they tell me black is white....as long as no one (especially me) is getting hurt but saying black is white then....for now....I am happy to say black is the new white all fucking day long. My priorities and different right now and I have lost too much. My line in the sand got shifted.

Now here is the interesting thought.....I know my line has been pushed back and I know it is fear driven. I am not happy about that but it is what is is. The risk is too great to step over the line. I know I am not the only one who has had their lines pushed back so when you apply that to a society, all who have lost so much and are scared and being fear motivated right now trying desperately to protect what they have now rediscovered as important to them....what does that look like? I know my bullshit tolerance has gotten much much higher and I will put up with a much wider swing than I used to. But I will still only allow the swing to end where my nose begins.

So the question is.....what do you stand for now? Where is your line in the sand that you cannot be pushed back from? Do you know where it is? How far are you willing to be pushed to find out and what would it take for you to push back and come out swinging?

Cuz at the end of the day.....if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything and the world is watching.

Happy Endings

2009-09-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

I have been drifting around in a bit of a trance today. Just soaking up the feeling of being safe and secure and totally content. Lord knows its not a feeling that comes around in MY life often so I am soaking it up like a sponge. I just am tingling with this feeling. I feel like the whole world can see my every thought and each thought is of and about love.

I love Chris for a thousand reasons. The way he looks at me, the way he puts me ahead of his own needs (even when he should put himself first- right baby?), the way he holds me....but most of all I love how he sees me. He really sees me. I have never had someone so close to me who is watching me and actively trying to figure me out. He is so observant and intuitive and he is making me look at myself in a whole new way. He has pointed out some of my mannerisms and just the methods that I tackle as I go about life in a way I never noticed or thought of in quite the way he has seen. It's been fascinating as someone who spends a fair bit of time with my nose in front of that emotional mirror actively working to figure myself out. Some people go their whole lives not looking in that mirror, I would rather look in that mirror than a normal one...that is where you see the real person anyways.

This really isn't as easy or as simple as it sounds. You have to remember I have spents years hiding in plain site. You may think you have seen me, and after reading this blog you may feel like you know me but there is so much that I could back even now and keep locked up. To have some start to turn the key of that room- a room that has been locked up airtight for so long is terrifying. Yet because I trust Chris totally (more important than I love Chris is that I trust him completely) I am OK with him poking around those dark dark corners. That is the biggest sign of all that he is the one I can be with forever.

I love how he sees and brings out the very best in me. We were just talking last night about an ex of mine who just pushed my every wrong button and I hated the person I was when I was around him. Chris inspires me to be the very best version of myself I can be. Not that he isn't happy with who I am yet I am still compelled to push myself to a higher level to make him proud of me.

This was a great weekend for us and our relationship. We had a wonderful day in Prescott but before that I had a pretty important meeting. I met his mother...I know. Pretty big stuff. The day did not get off to the best start and it looked for awhile like it might not even happen but things worked out and we ended up going to a favorite watering hole of theirs and had a good time listening to a great band and just spending some time together. Since there was a band there was not a ton of talking which in some ways I think was good- it took any pressure of small talk off the table and we had a shared pleasant experience. At one point his mom asked Chris to dance and being the good son he is he obliged and then when he got back to the table he asked me to dance.

:::swoon::::

My first dance with my boy.

It was such a great feeling dancing with him. I can't lay any claims to being a good dancer and frankly have not danced since college and even then it wasn't a slow dance. Still, I did my best to not step on his feet or trip (and there were not many people dancing so that would not have been good). It felt wonderful being in his arms and was the perfect ending to our evening.

We dropped his mom off and then we headed back to my place for an early start to head up the mountain to Prescott. For those non-AZ peeps Prescott is about a 2 hours drive away up the mountain- which means it is about 20 degrees cooler than Phoenix- and on Labor Day they have a town festival called Fair on the Square.

We had a perfect day.

It was honestly exactly the day I wanted and I hope to have a lifetime of days like that with Chris. It was simple and easy and beautiful. The weather was perfect and I enjoyed every single thing we did. We had amazing crepes and funnel cake and saw some great art. We snapped some silly pics and spent half the day just kinda gazing schmoopily at each other. It was total bliss. We drove back and Chris showed me the property they are going to build on someday and it has amazing mountain views. So peaceful and wonderful- it felt like paradise to be there with him.

We ended the evening at El Encanto for a great romantic dinner and had a great conversation about where we are in our relationship. Bottom line is we have had so much thrown at us in such a short amount of time but I really feel like the dust is settling and we are coming into a very comfortable, quiet and lovely time for us where we can stop reacting to the rapid fire events that have been exploding like grenades around us and just relax into being a couple. Just be and get to know "us" and start building a whole library of life experiences like the day we had in Prescott.

I almost feel like apologizing for talking so so much about my relationship and being in love but I know how happy you all are for me and in some way its gotta be a pay off for you guys as well. In any good story at the end the hero gets their hearts desire right? Otherwise why do you chuck down your $10 to see the flick?

Well you can send your checks cuz this is the start of a very happy ending......this is the beginning of my "and they lived happily ever after" but in no way is it the end. ;)

For Chris and I....happily ever after starts now!

Confession

2009-09-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know about y'all but I am DAMN glad to flip the calendar and have a crisp, fresh new month to look forward to...just me?? Didn't think so...

Well kids, lots and lots of change has come my way this summer and as the temp slowly creeps under 110 (for us in AZ) things are slowly getting back into a groove for me. It's been a truckload of new adjustments to make and I am still juggling and seeing how things work.

The new job is going great so far. I really like my coworkers and the office is pretty close and in an area of town that I love to that all rocks. There is a huge learning curve, bigger than I have had to tackle in a long long time but it will come with time so I am not worrying about it to much and frankly, -that- is the kind of change I want not this musical employment chairs dealio. I even got some good news that makes the new job even better than when I first was offered it! I am just so grateful to have landed where I did and I look forward to settling in and kicking ass there!

Chris is, as you all know, my dream come true. There is no doubt he is the one for me and we are finally getting past the brand new relationship stuff and getting into the "how does my life work long term with you in it" stuff. Up until now I have put spending time with him as my biggest priority- over friends, yoga, making any kind of plans at all really. So now that I am certain that there will always be a next time so each date is not sooooo critical to nail down I can get back into MY routine and do what works best for ME on a daily basis. The last thing I want to do is make my life all about my significant other. He is a big part of my life but he isn't my whole life so now that we have gotten past the first "quarter" of our relationship we both need to attend to parts of our lives that may have gotten neglected because of the newness and the drama (for me at least) that has happened over the summer.

So that leads me to my confession and the reason why I have been a bit more sparse with the blogs that I was....did anyone but Fran notice?

Yeah....so the thing is after my whole little victory tour and the article and all the kudos and pats on the back and the new relationship and the celebrating and......blahblahblah.

I gained 20 pounds.

There, I said it.

God I hate typing that....makes me feel so frustrated.

Now before everyone starts making me feel better and handing me "get outta jail free"cards- cuz that is what friends do, we make excuses for each other and minimize things. "Oh, that's not so bad..." I know its just a slip and I WILL get back on track. I have some very good reasons why I gained but honestly the truth is I LET it happen and to a degree I am still letting it happen so me writing this is sucking it up and confessing my sins so I can refocus and get back on the wagon.

As I think about my fall from grace I have to say it pretty much went down exactly as I feared it would. I just don't have impulse control and I can't do "just a little". I am either IN or I am OUT (little Project Runway ref for ya...). When I came home for my party I gave myself that time to "cheat" and have some of the things I have not had for so long. Well guess what? That was July and I am still on that break.

There was the party, then getting back I had my medical situation which took me out of the workout routine. I think that was the critical piece because I am just not barely getting back to where I was months ago with my workouts. It's gonna take awhile to build back up to where I was and that is what makes me so mad at myself (cuz I knew better!!). Then there was the stress of looking for a new job and the one thing that became crystal clear to me is I am still, and always will be an emotional eater. Even right now as things settle when I get that twinge of stress I want something sweet. Now I have been trying to be good and get low cal treats (Mmmmm fudgicles) but when you eat 2 of them it kinda defeats the purpose. And now as I get into a routine at my new place it's interesting because going out to lunch is a big deal. Lunch is social and I want to fit in and be a cool kid but that also puts me at risk so what do I do? Be the loner who never leaves the office or go and blow my diet cuz healthy isn't always the first consideration in choosing a place to eat for this group. Oh and then there is free lunch provided everyday....today it was lasagna. I do love me some lasagna!! Choices......all about choices. And for me its all or nothing.

So what do I do? Well.....back to making workouts a priority is tops. Yoga was even put on the backburner cuz of cost issues but now with the new gig and cashflow getting back to where it needs to be I can fit that back into the budget which is huge. Yoga does so much for me mentally and spiritually as well as the physical. I need to pace myself and in 2-3 weeks hopefully I will be back where I was, or at least pretty close.

The hard part is striking that balance of being able to have a "normal" meal when Chris and I go out. He is super supportive and wants to drop a few pounds as well plus he is a great cook so that all helps but it's still nice to go out and have a lovely meal with some wine and not worry about it blowing the diet. That is what I need to work out....how to find that balance. I love him but every once in awhile we need to go out amongst the people and not just sit in my condo and stare at each other- not that we don't still do that in public. Hey, we are still newly dating and all schmoopy!!

So that is my confession and now I must bust my ass get to get back where I was but hopefully I will make it back there with a few more lessons learned so I can make sure that this is a life long change and not a dip in a roller coaster ride. What came down will NOT go back up....at least anymore than it already has!!

Grrrrr, back to the gym I go!!!

It's a Love Story

2009-08-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

Damn you Taylor Swift! Your song has been overplayed on the radio so much that it may now be stuck in my head on an endless loop and I can't get it out of my brain. Lucky for you it happens to mash up well with my life right now so I guess its not sooooo bad.

Yeah, its bad folks. So bad that here it is almost 11pm on a "school" night and I got myself out of my nice comfy bed to come here to post about how much I love my boy. I know, I am totally making MYSELF sick with all the ewwy gooey mushy stuff. It's a bit over the top and I wish someone would please just shut that Tracey chick up....for real! I mean how much more can I say it? And frankly I am only blogging here cuz the poor boy needs to get some sleep and not entertain his poor girlfriend who just wants to have long conversations about how much in love we are and why exactly does he love me? Enquiring minds wanna know! Ya know??

And before I make myself look too pathetic I am not exactly alone in these conversations. I won't speak for Chris but let's just say I have a willing hostage.

I do feel a bit guilty not highlighting this part of my life a bit more. I know I have talked about Chris these past few weeks but it has been with a clingy, desperate, life raft kinda energy and that is not what our relationship is about and not how it deserves to be showcased.

Let me step back for a second......

I have a dear friend who was a bit of a slacker back in the D. Let's just call him DJ, (mainly cuz that's his name). Now DJ had some toxic relationships during the time that I knew him and then we fell out of touch for a bit. When I caught back up to him I was shocked to learn that he was engaged! I asked him how he managed to lock one down and in his oh-so easy going manner he shook his head and smiled at me and told me words that have never left me since the day he uttered them to me....he said, "Tracey, I just never knew it could be so easy... Loving her is the easiest thing I have ever done." I have been searching for that kind of love ever since that day. I have told that story a million times and always with a pang because I really didn't know if it would ever happen for me.

I have spent so much of my life hiding in plain site. Being so overweight is hard to explain. It's hard to help someone understand how something (someone) so big can just disappear right in front of you. I have spent so much of my life near the action but on the fringe of life, being there but not participating. Close to the spotlight but never dead center. People would tend to see right past me even when I was standing right there. For my friends I was the witty wingman, ready to charm, flirt and help sort all the potentials but never did the boys see or -god forbid- want me.

Chris sees me and it may be for the first time in my life I am seeing me and letting myself be seen. My brilliant boy hit upon something last week and I have been mulling it over ever since.

He called me out as being shy.

At first I got defensive but the more I think about it the more I think he is right. I am shy because I have never really been out before. I have lost my protection, my "mask" that I used to hide in plain sight and to protect myself. And now, for the most part, that is gone and people are really seeing me and looking at me for the first time. I am getting random men calling me beautiful for the first time. I am getting all this attention for my accomplishments and as much as I am seeking it out to a degree I am also very uncomfortable with it. I am just not used to being so open. Ok.....what the hell am I doing blogging right? Isn't this being pretty open?? Yes, but I control this you see. You only see what I show you. However if we are in a room together then I can't hide and that's when I feel like pulling back. Chris was right and now he is being that gentle yet firm hand at the small of my back supporting me and making sure I don't run away just cuz I am a bit nervous from all this attention.

It's a pretty amazing thing to have someone you love really see you like that.

I want to talk about how pure and raw and wonderful it is to be in love and be in this first part of our relationship because I do know with all my heart that this is forever and he is my THE ONE and someday years and years from now we might not spend hours lying in bed staring at each other and telling each other in the greatest of detail how much we love each other - although I hope we will. And we might not send silly texts to each other all day just so the other knows we are thinking of them. And someday the future might not seem as bright and shiny and wide open as it feels now.

I want to archive this feeling and capture the endless love and passion I have for Chris and our future now so I can always look back and remind myself of how very luck I am to have found someone who made it so damn easy to be in love......

Don't Last

2009-08-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been in reactive mode for so long now. I have just been in survival mode and been "just getting through" whether it was getting through this day or this week or that mythical "just until x" happens....whatever x is and whatever magic thing will happen when x gets here.

Again, I realize fully that I am not so special and some people go through their whole lives in reactive mode. I just want to get ahead of this curve for once and as I said in the last blog really grab the reigns of my own life and start taking control. Now some would argue that me getting my weigh under control was doing just that but to me that was just getting something out of control back in line which is not quite the same thing. I feel like I have gotten it back to where it should have been all along and -now- where I take it is me taking control. And I have to admit I am finding it hard to get the motivation to get all hard core again. Now that I have stepped off the wagon for a bit it is so so hard to get back to where I was before. I am hoping that getting back into a routine will help with that but the truth is I haven't been making myself a priority because just keeping my head above water has been such a chore.

I want so much for the future. I want to build a life and family with Chris. I want to start traveling. I want to get a house that Chris and I can call our own. I want to share my story with as many people who need to hear it. I want security and stability and I want to give back.

I know I have so many of the building blocks I need in place and now I just need to recommit to the path I have started to walk down. The past 2 months were a stumble and a slide down and I am scratched and bloodied up a bit but no permanent damage and now it's time to brush myself off, shake it off and attack that mountain again.

Tough times don't last but tough people do.....I will last and thrive and be fabulous. Watch me!

I demand a recount....

2009-08-22T18:42:00.001-07:00

Seriously, I am pretty sure we either got shorted some days or else we got put into some time vortex. All I know it I have little to no clue what has happened in the last 2 months. Everything is just this huge blur and I just can't believe August is almost over.

That being said I am excited for a brand new fresh month to start off with a clean slate. This summer has been one of the best and worst of my life- and for those of you playing the home version of my life know that is saying something!!

The bad is obvious- losing my job and have some pretty major personal issues (yes, still not revealing that bit but it adds an air of mystery though- non?) Battling unemployment (frigging JOKE- never in my life used it and then when you do you get treated sub-human for needing it), weeding through the interview process (and again, kinda my world so you'd think I would have had a bigger clue, you would be wrong) and the financial crunch (ongoing but my worries were greatly lessened by a loan from my Daddy and support from Chris).

But there has been some good news as well.....hmmmm. Let me see if I can remember what good happened? Oh yeah- I met and fell in love with the man of my dreams. Poor guy, if he only knew the rollercoaster ride he was signing up for when he hooked up with the likes of me. He seems to not mind so much and I haven't been able to scare him away yet so that bodes well for me at least- for him, just means he is in for a hella lot more of Traceyness in his life. I am just so excited for what lies ahead for us. I don't think smooth sailing is likely but I am hoping the challenges get to be a little less bumpy and the highs we get are from climbing up to the next peak, not clawing our way out of the ravine we just broke our asses on.

And as much as the whole looking for a new job sucked -and took waaaay too long for me (yes I know plenty of people are still looking but I am a want it NOW kinda gal, sue me)- I did know I would find something at the end I would be excited about. I am VERY excited to start the new gig on Monday. Ironically it is in the same building I working in 4 years ago. Life is full of turns that lead you right back to where you were it seems. It is totally out of the staffing and recruiting biz and as passionate about recruiting I am I am so relieved to get out of it for awhile. It is just so draining right now and such a struggle. It's time to give it a rest and go play in a new sandbox for a bit.

I am most excited about getting back into a routine. Having my schedule so outta whack has not been good for my workout routine plus with everything happening it has just made it hard to get into that rigid plan I had been working. I did finally get back to yoga class today and it was much much needed. My regular instructor was back which was great- she had been gone the last 2 classes I attended and I think anyone who goes to a regular class can attest to the fact that subs are ok but you get used to one persons style and its hard to switch. Especially since I am craving "my" routine back so much- it was nice to do my regular Saturday thing. Yoga, grocery shopping (I am busy buying more "staple" ingredients so Chris doesn't have to be so McGyver like when he cooks at my house) then laundry and cleaning......normal stuff that bust people do. Ahhhh routine, nevre underestimate the power of keeping to a schedule.

I can tell things are getting a bit back to normal cuz I had a whole "I hate how my body looks" meltdown today. The struggle continues....won't bore you with the details but it all started in yoga when my arm flap covered half my face as we were doing a side bend- and no, I am not even kidding. At least that is a frustration I know and can somewhat deal with....so in a weird way it was comforting to have the same old rant roll through my head.

So as I sit here doing my best to grab the reigns of my life again and get this horse and buggy headed in the right direction I am hoping for a little bit of peace in the next few months. It is my life so I know crazy shit will happen....cuz that is just how I roll....but it WILL be (to think is to create) fun, creative, and filled with love and adventures of the very best kind. I will be in a better place financially and plan better for rainy days and pay forward all the support and good vibes that were sent my way these past few weeks. I am so grateful to be coming out of this tunnel and once again I am a bit bruised, battered and broke down but I am stronger, wiser and I have a wonderful new partner holding me close and lifting me up every chance he gets.

Could be worse.... ;)

Getting what I NEED

2009-08-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

It used to be such an easy question to answer....."Hey Tracey, how's it going?"

A "good thanks" or a "s'ok, how bout you?" used to do the trick.....now? The answer takes a ton more consideration depending on who is doing the asking (and if they follow the blog or are my Facebook friend- lots of info in those status updates!!) And recently there is behind the scenes stuff brewing that hasn't made it into the blog yet....and may or may not ever be "blogworthy" and frankly since -I- know all the info I forget who knows what and where I posted what so yeah....how's it going? The answer depends on how far down the rabbit hole you actually want to go.

In an attempt to answer that question for y'all let me catch you up as best I can.

Fine thanks.....and you?

Ok, just kidding. Here is the dish...

J O B

I have one, at least one, and hope to have several others by the end of the week. Options are good so I am busy working on closing as many offers as I can and then have my pick. I have one solid offer in hand that I am interested in, one verbal offer that I am VERY excited about and 3 other companies I am in the final interview stages in that have potential and are basically my insurance policies. Basically I am feeling comfortable enough that I am not actively applying for anything new although until I have started somewhere (and even after) I am keeping my options open. It doesn't look like I will have a start date on any of them until Aug 31st which sucks for my bank account but it is utterly beyond my control so all I can do is spread my pennies as far as I can and see what happens. It's all baby steps right now but I do feel good about the offers I have and have pending and am confident the right thing will sink and this little blip in my career will be in the past.

In the meantime the job I still have is pulling me back- I have to go to the office tomorrow and register a bunch of temps and my boss talked to me today about staying. I would in a heartbeat but as he isn't paying me anymore it makes it tough. He did tell me the door is open and I always have a job with him. Great, lemme know when it is a PAYING job again. Not that I am not grateful....hrrmmmm.

L O V E

::::::deep schmoopy sigh::::::

(for those who want the backstory on schmoopy click the link- and blame Fran for calling us schmoopy in the first place)

What can I say? I have waited my whole life for this type of love. I may have been in love before but it has never been this complete. Chris is the perfect man for me. He is literally everything I have ever wanted or hoped for and I know I he came into my life at the exact right time. If I had met him a second before I did I would not have been ready for all that he has to offer me. Even now he scares the crap out of me because he is there for me 100% which means if I push, even if I push real hard...he isn't going anywhere. And if I become a total dumbass and sabotage myself and our relationship, he isn't gonna run away.

Do you have any idea of how scary that is?? This guy is here and in my life in a very real way for the long long haul. This is a forever kind of relationship and as amazing as that is to say (just shy of our 3 monthaversary I might add) it is even more amazing to be a part of. We have already had so much life thrown at us and we will have even more challenges come up because like me, he isn't about to take the easy, safe path. He is there beside me trucking straight for the deep end of the pond. Not to say it's all about me- it is for sure not. He is his own person and has his own projects and his own way of doing things. He is the anchor in our relationship and slows me down when I wanna run to the edge and lean waaaaaay over. Which is good and let's face it, I need a leash now and then. Yet I am pulling him ahead and getting him to places he didn't expect to go so soon and I am pretty sure he is glad he is there (now)...

Right baby?? :)

I am just so at peace with him and his place in my life. He spent the WHOLE weekend with me (relationship milestone) and we did all these domestic chores together....shopping, laundry, cooking (him -obviously) and it felt so right. I even cleared out a cupboard for him and all the ingredients we bought so he can make me yummy things like chicken satay. He even has his own drawer in my dresser- bonus of getting rid of all my bigger clothes is there is plenty of closet space for him now! Oh and we have officially begun the meeting of each others friends....which will go much better when MY friends stop flaking out. Oh well....(and yes, we will be coming to Iowa at some point.)

So yeah......for the first time in my life I am in total bliss when it come to love. It's not perfect, nothing is....but it's perfect for us and that is all that matters.

I love you Chris...MY boy.

O T H E R

This is where the meat of my life is right now....in the "other" category. I am on the fence about how much to talk about so forgive the vague-ness right now. What I can tell you is BIG and POWERFUL things are happening in my life having to do with sharing my story. I have had a few interesting meetings and conversations and getting some great feedback.

The thing that is most important to me about these next steps is being very true to who I am and what this journey has been about for me. At the end of the day I think there are a ton of lessons that can be learned from my story and everyone can take something different from it...and dozens more lessons I am learning about myself everyday. I don't need to shout from the rooftops how much weigh I lost cuz its not even about that really, that was just the journey I took- all I want is for people to know they YOU are wearing the ruby slippers and whatever it is you want to change, you can whatever the journey you need to take is. Just click your heels cuz you can go home anytime you want, you just have to call it out and then execute (the part The Secret forgets to talk about). You are already the person you need to be, you have every single thing you need to be AMAZING at whatever you want to accomplish in life. All you need is to unlock that potential and unleash the POWER you have onto the world.....just yell out "duck!" before you dothe unleashing cuz that's how people get hurt! ;)

It's hard and scary....I am the last person who will say it's easy but it can be done by ANYONE who is willing to get out on their skinny branches are reach for the end. And when you have the right people around you, ones you KNOW will never let you fall (unless falling is what you need to happen in your life- and sometimes it is) that is cool stuff.

This keeps coming back to me: The universe doesn't give you what you WANT, it gives you what you NEED.

What do you need?

The Process Sucks

2009-08-13T16:11:00.000-07:00

It really does.....job seeking I mean. And mind you this has been my primary occupation for most of the past decade so I should be a bit more aware but I haven't been on -this- side of the table for a long time and it's been years since I have been unemployed for this long. Yes I know it's only been 2 weeks basically but when you break down the math it is a long ass time.

For the unemployment process alone you file...then depending when in the week you get your paperwork in the mail to sign you have to wait a week before they process. So you can basically go 2 weeks with no income at all which is the case with me. And then they never sent me the debit card that they deposit the money into so while in theory I got "paid" this week (a whopping $240- yes better than nothing but still not enough to pay the bills) I can't get any money until I get a card reissued and sent which will be mid week next week at the earliest. Until then I literally have $40 to my name. I did have $65 but had to put a little gas in my car so I can get to these interviews that have me running from one end of Phoenix to the other. Here is a tip for anyone who is looking though....you can write off all mileage and expenses associated with your job search. So I have all my mapquest directions which I will put in an excel doc and can write it off when I do my taxes. Same is true for printer ink and paper to print resumes, and fee's for faxing resumes.....etc. Hope that helps someone.

Ok so that is the money part that sucks. I have no idea where I am gonna come up with my next mortgage payment and yes I have already asked for a deferment and no they won't do it. I had one ace in the hole- a friend who would give me a short term loan if I asked. Well I asked only to find out he was just laid off! Ugh....so I dunno how this will work out but I can only take it step by step.

Right now the waiting part is what is killing me. I had the "for sure" offer I thought I had in the bag last week. I even got a verbal offer and then the next day got and email saying they passed and I have not heard a word from them since. That really hurt but I brushed myself off and have been plowing through every lead I have come across since then. I tell ya, if I didn't need a base income I would have about 10 jobs right now. It is sad and shocking how many companies are taking advantage of people right now by not paying anything but 100% commission. Don't get me wrong I have always worked commission but pay people what they are worth them give them an incentive. A base should be enough to pay your bills and commission is lifestyle money but companies right now need to shave margins and while they need the sales talent they won't pay upfront. Hence....my current situation. It is just sad. It's such a great opportunity for companies to do the right thing but instead they are going 1099 with their reps for the same reasons a dog licks its balls....cuz they can.

Momentum has picked up for me....I am waiting for "final steps" and hopefully offers from 2 companies and I have 2nd interviews scheduled with 2 other companies so I have back up and something else in the pipeline. I had 2 other interviews this week that I don't think will go anywhere which is fine. I just need to get to work asap.

The waiting just kills me...I am pretty much an instant gratification girl by nature anywho (seriously, just ask Chris- or anyone else who knows me) and waiting for feedback and next steps is beyond painful. The only reason I am blogging right now is I don't want to go work out yet because someone might call before the end of the day so I will wait until 5 before I call my "work" day done. Uuurrrgggghhhhhhhhh

No patience.....none at all. I do my best and I am confident that one of these 4 things will close but in the meantime I need to be sedated!

I'm not Special

2009-08-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

Wow- well where are we now in our little tale (thumbing through pages of notes) Ahhhhh yes, we last left little Tracey all sad and pathetically unemployed crumpled over there in the corner. Life had dealt her just one too many knock out punches.

But life doesn't let the story end there does it? The truth is I am scared and I have NO CLUE where to pull the bunny out of my hat that will save my ass here. I have made a career out of being solidly networked (over 3500 connection on LinkedIn alone!) and yet right now that has yielded me exactly- nada. And all my groups and "friends" and even my real friends have offered sympathy and support- which I am soooo grateful for don't get me wrong- have not been able to guide me to any kind of employment opportunity. Oh yeah....and let's not forget that I am a RECRUITER and if -I- don't know how to track down a job lead well then...I guess I deserve to be in this mess.

It's tough and scary and it has never ever been this bad. I just barely managed to scrape together a mortgage payment for this month but that doesn't allow for bills or silly stuff like- oh I dunno, food?? I mean I know I fell off the bandwagon a little with the train wreck that July turned out to be but I do still need to eat something.

Yeah side note ** totally ironic that right after this great series of articles appears highlighting my weigh loss success I have the most stressful month of my life and decide that I "deserve" some comfort food to "treat" myself. Wow, do those words sound familiar? Let's just say that I would need to revise my "loss" numbers and not being able to workout for 10 days really set me back even more. I am cleared to exercise again now though so hopefully that will help my mood, energy and get me back where I was in June. And for all my peeps who suffer depression as yours truly does.....I am here to say that NOTHING is better than exercise. I know you don't want to hear it- especially when the couch is so comforting but it's true. If you can force yourself to start moving you feel so much better. At least I do....my tip 'o the day.

No, I am still not going to give a public declaration of how dark the rabbit hole got for me in July my friends know and if they don't know I hope they know they can ask and I will share. Just some things aren't for everyone to pick apart as is happening now that my little diary here is getting peeked at by some more eyeballs. Suffice to say I am officially saying I have enough checks in my "loss" column and it can be someone else's turn for awhile.

So what am I doing about it? Well posting sad little updates on Facebook seemed to do no good and I think I turned a bunch of people off (myself if no one else) so I am going to attempt to curb that strategy. Also taking out my frustrations on my love- who only wanted to take care of me and made me a big pot of soup so I would have several homecooked meals in my fridge- that didn't work so well either. Sorry baby, I love you and am VERY grateful for you and your love.

I am posting my resume like crazy, working my network, calling old clients/contacts and lowering my standards to find anything that will get my some income. Not my dream but $240 per week from unemployment will NOT cut it- and that is if I ever get that rolling. Three hours on the phone today with no results says its not looking good.

I will dig in and focus and "just keep swimming" as my fave little mantra directs me to do and do my girl scout best to slap a smile on my face and keep the panic at bay. I know this is a blip in time that I will barely remember as I look back. I know I am not special and thousands of people are in far worse spots than me but dammit its MY life and it means something to me and to Chris. I will get past this somehow (god I wish I could just flip to that page) but for now....yeah it sucks and is scary and I don't know what will happen. I do thank the stars for my friends and (most of) my family and of course for my greatest gift of all- my wonderful partner Chris. I am not unaware of ungrateful I am just a scared little kitten doing my best to make it across this room full of rocking chairs.

Stay tuned and send your love......

Welcome

2009-08-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

For those new folks who are joining our story already in progress.....well it might make more sense to read from the beginning but then again it could be fun to just jump right into the middle. That is how I tend to live my life so I guess jumping in the deep end works for my blog readers as well.

First I have to thank everyone for taking a peek at this blog and wanting to learn a little bit more about me and my story. I appreciate the comments and the support. Please feel free to hit me with questions or comments or just lurk in the background and read along. I welcome you all!

So you would think with this being semi-unemployed I would have oodles of time to do nothing but blog however not having a job (or in my case more specifically an income) takes up gobs and gobs of time. Ok perhaps I could scale back on my Facebooking a bit but in my defence I have been able to grab a bunch of people from my network and ask them for leads while online. Not to mention catching up on my nieces activities and making sure I have completed every quiz FB has to offer.....alll VERY important uses of my time. Not to mention the Twitter debacle where my account was hacked so I had to delete and start over.....my new twitter account is @traceyherr10 if anyone cares to add me.

So what is my employment status exactly you ask? Well I do have a job but it is a sales job and I was getting a draw....which is basically getting paid in advance for commissions you will bring in. Once you get a deal then you balance your draw and get paid the difference. Well my company has killed all draws and so I now do not get an income ergo have no cash coming in the door. I had a 2 hour chat with my mortgage company about this yesterday (seriously) and in the end they decided that they don't really give a shit about my income (or lack thereof) and yes I do still need to come up with my mortgage payment. The good news is they don't care which orifice I pull it out of so I have -that- going for me which is nice.

I do get unemployment starting next week but I am here to tell ya $240 a week will NOT cut it so I am working hard core on flexing the power of my network and seeing what magic I can make happen for myself. I have been setting up interviews and filling out online apps until my eyes bleed so hopefully I will get good news soon.

In the meantime I do hope to gather a bigger audience here so if you guys like what you read and want more please pass it on to your friends and family (or Oprah, whatever) so I can keep spreading the Tracey love. It has actually been suggested I ask for letters/problem so I can do my wisdom dispensing thing a la Dear Abby so if you are game I am.....feel free to send me your comments/questions to tracey.herrick@gmail.com and let me know how I can help. I am sooooooo much better at fixing other people's lives than my own. I only even damage myself so you have no worries. (evil laugh)

Ok back to my life.....I had a total meltdown this weekend and let the stress take over for awhile. I did this on purpose so come Monday I could suck it up and get back on the horse. You can't just stuff the rage, fear, panic dow forever and not express it so I'd rather fall apart when no one is looking then do a taaa-daaaa it's all better now move, dust myself off and get back at it. The bad news is that I was counting on falling apart and having Chris pick up the pieces but man plans and god laughs.....in this case god sent a swarm of rats and termites to smite my plans. My poor boy had to exterminate all these new room mates all weekend and by the time he got to my house on Sunday night the poor guy was nearly crippled. I felt soo sooooo bad cuz I was pretty fricking annoyed he wasn't there to babysit me but one look in his pain filled eyes just melted me and I just wanted to do everything I could to make him feel better. I hate it when its not all about me....except when its all about him.

I did work out most of the stress and am doing my best surfing to try and ride this wave until calmer waters roll in. I know I created this life.....and let me take a step back on this point for a second. Life sucks for a lot of people right now and there is a certain amount that is beyond our control- true. BUT for the most part we are ALL living the lives we created. Me? I like high risk, high reward and I let myself get distracted with the promise of things being greener on the other side of the fence (hence the 2 brief jobs before going back to my old job) and did not take care of business like I knew I should. So....as much as it sucks I do own the fact that I created this mess and it is up to me to get myself the hell out of it. Which I will cuz....well, that is what I do. I WILL succeed cuz I have to, no other option really. Especially now that I have a wonderful man who wants to build a life together with me. The stakes just went up big time and I can't wait to reap the rewards of all our hard work. But now.....there is just work.

In this "down" time I am working for my current/former company on some assignments for my biggest client and I am using this time to do some behind the scenes stuff so stay tuned for that.

In the meantime I hope my new readers enjoy the archives and get caught up and thanks so much for every one's love and support.

And if you have a job lead for me .....call!!

Boone New Republican Article on Yours Truly

2009-07-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

For those who aren't following me on Facebook- my hometown paper has been doing a 3 part series on me!

Part 1:http://www.amestrib.com/articles/2009/07/31/boone/news/doc4a70ac4309450017644861.txt

Part 2: http://www.amestrib.com/articles/2009/07/31/boone/news/doc4a7203eeb441f076629992.txt

Part 3: http://www.amestrib.com/articles/2009/08/02/boone/news/doc4a736cd09a9ea515826712.txt

I am very excited and honored to share my story with my hometown. I hope it can help someone else out there know they can do it!

Updates

2009-07-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

I swear I never set out to live my life on a razor's edge. I never sought out to have every piece of my life tossed into the air to land like a broken rag doll every few weeks. I really do want some consistency and some peace in my life....someday. But that day is not today.

Ok to catch you all up I am semi-unemployed. I know that sounds weird but what it means is I do still have my job. It is exactly where it has always been however as of last week they stopped paying me for it. I have been working on a draw since I went back to my old job which means I am 100%commision and they pay me a bit of my commisions upfront until I land a sale and get paid. Well as of last week they cut the draw so I am not getting paid anymore. As I said I still have my job and when I close a deal I will get paid off of it but in the meantime I have zero income and zero savings.

Not good.

They waited until Wednesday to tell me this mainly because of my trauma last week they didn't want to add any addtional stress knowing I wasn't doing so hot physically or emotionally. I appreciate that I guess but it did put me a full week behind the 8 ball with no income. Not that anything can be done about it now.....oh well.

So I am still working a few deals I have in the works and will hopefully get paid on the quickly but I have to shift my full attention to getting a new job fast. I had a chat with my mortgage people and it turns out they do still like me to pay my bills if I don't want to be homeless and as great as things are with Chris and I- moving in with him and his mother really isn't part of -my- master plan right now.

It's just so ironic that you get one area of your life set and another goes to hell. I couldn't be happier of more comfortable and content with Chris. I am giddy, silly, heart over heels in love and could float through each and every day just thinking about his soft brown eyes (yes, we are schmoopy and I don't care!). I have never been this in love in my life and I have finally found what my friend DJ told me about after he met his wife. He told me "I never knew it could be so easy" and I have been looking for that sort of love ever since. The kind you can just sink into and let it wrap you up with warmth and comfort. It is so easy to love Chris and I found him and I am going to celebrate us every day. He is truly the love of my life and I can't wait to see him tonight any every night for the rest of my life.

God, if only he was rich!!

Seriously, it would solve so many problems.

Not that we aren't working on several projects to make us and many other people rich and successful but in the meantime I need just a trickle of income.

I really don't have any bad thoughts of feelings about my current (sorta) employer. They gave me a shelter and a solid place to go while I went through the biggest metamorphisis of my life so for that I will always be grateful- still......timing kinda sucks.

So that is the brass tacks of my situation right now. I am working my extensive network and hope to have something locked up by the end of next week so please think happy employed thoughts for me and for all my Phoenix peeps send me those leads!

Quiet

2009-07-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

So my apologies to those who keep wandering back here only to find no new entries.....I have been going through the 50th level of hell and back. I honestly don't know if this piece of my life will ever find its way into this blog or not because yes, even in my life some things are just to painful and raw to put into words. My soul has been shredded and I feel like an empty husk. I could blow away with the next wind if I didn't have Chris holding tightly to me and watching over me every second of the day.

No, I am not in the grips of depression and despite the conclusions some people may jump to about my life (god forbid they actually ask me directly) I am not suicidal or on the same path my brother took. I am going through a deeply painful time in my life and I can tell you I am not the same person you saw in Iowa. The events of the past week have changed me forever.

The challenge ahead is to do with this what I have tried to do with all my experiences and that is to learn all the lessons I can learn from it and use it to become a better person and to help as many others help change their lives as possible. The good thing is that I now have a partner by my side who is dedicated to helping me do just that. Chris and I have big plans and together we will honor this time in our lives and we will use it to lift ourselves and as many people as we can to a better place.

Let me tell you about this man....Chris has stepped up and been there for me to hold me and love me and support me more than anyone ever has in my entire life. He holds tighter when some men would have run and he applauds my actions when others would be intimidated. He loves me and we are going to build a wonderful life together. I am deeply, passionately in love with him and if this week has shown me nothing else its that I was born to love him and he was meant to be in my life. I have no doubt he is my future and I am on my knees grateful to have him and I know he'd say the same about me. We have an equal partnership and we are going to build an extraordinary life together.

I am very much weakened by what has happened on every level and I know I am raising questions that you want to ask because you care about me/us but I ask you to respect that I will share what I can when it is in my heart to share it. This is far to precious to let out into a world that is not ready and I am so so tired.

I thank you for loving me and supporting me even without knowing why.....just know I am OK and Chris and I are dealing with this together and he is taking such great care of me- better than I have ever taken care of myself that is for sure. I will share when I am ready- or not- but either way I am going to be stronger and better and have even more to fight for in the months and years ahead and Chris will be by my side while I do it.....I love you all.

For now....it's time to just lie down and find the quiet place inside.

You Lift Me Up

2009-07-18T20:38:00.000-07:00

Challenges come from the most unexpected places. They creep up on us while we are busying doing the simple everyday things that we think are important and they threaten to upturn the little boats we all float through life in. Sometimes it is a momentary challenge like getting your air conditioning fixed in the middle of the season of hell that is Phoenix in the summer. Sometimes it is finding out a dear friend is sick and you are powerless to make it better.

And sometimes.....it is something that you have known for a long long time was broken and yet it once again proves to you just how broken it is and how broken you are because of it.

I have spent alot of time breaking through my own blocks and climbing over the walls that I have come across in my life. I have dug deep into myself and befriended that inner warrior who keeps me strong and safe even when I don't so much feel it on the inside. I have learned I am more powerful and capable woman than I ever guessed I could be and that there is nothing I can't figure out. I especially have learned that when these challenges come up I have an arsenal of weapons and support that I can tap into either collectively or having one person by my side to support me.

I am not alone and while I have my weak moments from time to time (I am human) I do know in my heart all I have to do is reach out and I will have no end of people who love me to help lift me up.

I believe that there are only ever 2 kinds of people....those who want to lift you up or those who try to pull you down. I am honored and grateful to have so many of the first group in my life and I will do everything I can to keep the second group from ever bringing me down. They can try but they won't succeed because I can't be stopped.

You might not expect the challenges life throws you but with the right people by your side you can do anything.

You Can't Go Home Again

2009-07-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

I have now lived in 3 states and I have told many people that once you move away from your hometown you figure out that "home" is just geography and you tend to recreate your life where ever you are. Location becomes incidental to your life.

That's true to a point because no matter where we go we are always linked to the place where we were born and raised. There is some force that shackles us to its hallowed grounds forever. It's a combination for me of my family, who all still live in Iowa (I am the soul exception), and of the memories my hometown holds for me.

This trip was different for me to start because it was in the summer. A bit of a gamble with the weather (but when isn't the weather a gamble in the midwest I ask you) but it turned out to be very pleasant and a nice break from the Arizona heat and all in all couldn't complain. Seeing everything lush and green was a nice change from the bleak cold and gray I usually see at Christmastime when I have been home the past few years. Even when I was back in April it snowed (yeah, I am still bitter about that). A friend of mine is house hunting in Boone so we drove around and saw some houses and while he was shopping I was wandering memory lane. It's just so odd to be back in a place that for the most part only exists for me in my memories. You sometimes forget that it is a real place. I saw houses where friends used to live, the park I used to play at when I was a kid. My old grade school and the route I used to walk home. The tree I used to collect buckeyes from as a kid and put in a jelly jar that sat on my shelf. All these are precious memories to me and have made me who I am and I am so glad and grateful and for all that.....it's not my home anymore.

I have said a thousand times and I'll say it a thousand more how proud and grateful I am to be from Iowa but there is just nothing about it now that feels like I belong there. I am a guest and a tourist when I come back and that is bittersweet for me. It's a life I remember but can't really connect with now.

I took a few walks by myself to get some alone time (that's hard when I come back as well, being a person who lives alone its hard to adjust to being with someone 24/7 when I am back). And it struck me as so sad some of the neglect and disrepair that some buildings are falling into and yet there is a ton of road construction going on as well which makes for an odd juxtaposition as an observer. What was nice was the peace and calm Boone still has. It's just a quiet little lazy town and after the hustle of Phoenix it was a nice place to catch my breath for a bit.

And of course it was spectacular to see so many friends while I was back. The trip was always designed to be about spending time with friends first since most of my trips home are so packed with family time I never get to see any friends. Thanks again to everyone who could and did make it and no worries to the people who couldn't.....life happens and that is fine. You were there in spirit and I appreciate you all.

There were several highs while I was home and for the most part they were the nice mellow highs I wanted. Chilling at the park with my family and friends, having dinner with some of my bestest friends ever. Making a fool of myself with my family while out to lunch and hanging out with my family in general.

I also was able to spend part of his birthday with my brother. I still can't really tell you how it felt to see his grave- still processing those emotions. I hadn't seen it completed as I was home for the burial and then his headstone was set last year on his birthday. My sister and sister-in-law and nephew were with me and we all stood around and each had our own had a quiet moments while standing there. Then they let me have my own time alone with Troy. I talked to him in my head and if it had been a touch cooler (and less bugs) I would have sat down and had a much longer chat with him but twas not to be. Hot and bug bitten do not make for great and powerful moments. It was lovely there. He is buried in the original Madrid cemetery where the town founders are buried and there are woods all around it was quiet and serene and I am glad he is there and has found peace. If only he could pass that peace on to us.

Then we went to the cemetery in Boone and laid my Grandma to rest beside her beloved daughter (and my namesake) Sandy. The service was short and sweet and nice and was for sure the hardest part of the trip for a zillion reasons none of which I am even close to ready to process and share. I might never get there but I did have a chat with her and hopefully one issue in particular has been discussed and I can stop feeling the from beyond guilt trip I know she is laying! Yeah Grandma, I hear you.

So yeah.....my trip was a mixed bag as it always is going home. I am very glad I went and hope to come back soon (but not too soon) but my life is here and I am glad to be back in the world I have created and very glad to be back with the man who was waiting to sweep me off my feet as soon as I landed back in Phoenix. I confess here and now and officially that I am head over heels in love with him and feel so glad and lucky to have him in my life and together we are going to build a new home just for us.

Processing

2009-07-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

Ok...I have been threatened with great bodily harm if I do not blog soon so here is a brief tidbit to keep the death threats at bay.

I have been thinking about how to recap my trip but the truth is I am still processing a lot of what happened there so I need it to all marinate for a bit longer before I can sort out my feelings and thoughts.....be patient (ahem- Fran).

I do want to thank everyone who took the time to hang out with me. It was great to see as many people as I did and I know there were many more who couldn't make it. No worries, I know life happens and I really had no expectations of anyone showing up. I had planned on somewhere between 5 and 50 and we ended up at about 40 at my party so that was perfect. I had a great time and I hope everyone else did who was there.

Special thanks to my Frannie for being the loud drunk girl with the camera (as someone later referred to you as) for snapping all the pics and to my OG homies Julie, Kim and Jonna who were my BFF's in pre school!! And Mindy.....you are wonderful and I love you.

Let me just say this.....coming home is always a mixed bag of emotions and this trip was no exception. Boone is a place of deep pain, awesome amounts of love and will be a part of my soul forever good and bad. It is as much a part of me as my very blood and while it makes me crazy it is home.

Shifting

2009-07-03T18:21:00.001-07:00

So what is the best measurement of success when it comes to dieting and weight loss? Is it the numbers on a scale? Is it the size of your clothes? Or is it what you see in the mirror and you suck it in and shift from side to side?

Maybe a little bit of all of the above? Hard to say and I guess for me it depends on the day. I do know I could about tear my hair out some days waiting for the numbers on the scale to move. If that was my soul source of accomplishment I would have lost it long ago! It is definitely satisfying to move into a size I have never worn before. Just today I put on a XL t-shirt to work out in and could not believe how baggy it felt.I had to look and see if it was one of my 2XL's or above just to make sure. The fast that my size 14 pants are getting pretty loose, well that is just crazy. It just is.....

The mirror is tricky for me though. It is a fickle friend of mine to be sure. Some days I catch myself in the right light and with the right angle I can be pretty happy with what I see. But most of the time I still see more of what is wrong than what is right. That won't change for a long while but I am working on it.

I guess the other very cool measurement is to see the wide eyes of the people who see the before and current versions of my progress and see the genuine pride that shines through as they look at me.

Oh yes.....and speaking of looks. The best look of all is from the sexy guy who walks in my door and lights up as he sees me, really sees me and likes what he sees. Pretty cool.

So some of these are quantifiable and some are a matter of opinion so let's review some hard numbers shall we?

I went and had another BMI (click to check your own) measurement taken to compare against where I began and here are the results.

When I started my diet my BMI was 69.6. Today it is 34.5 (which is still considered obese btw) so I have reduced it by half!

My percentage of body fat was 51.1% so half my body was pure fat....today is it 32.8% and the desired range for women is 21-33%!!!!!

My fat mass was 213.51 pounds...so I was carrying over 200lbs of just fat around with me everywhere I went. Today it is 68 pounds of fat...so there is still some work to do but not so bad...

So those are the numbers and all in all I have to say I am pretty happy with them. Of course I am, anyone would be (or should be) but the reason that I wanted to get them checked was because I want to let them all got for now....

I really feel like I have hit the part of my journey where the numbers don't really mean much anymore. The numbers on the scale don't tell me what I really want to know mainly because of the x factor of all my loose skin. It is no exaggeration that I could easily be 30lbs or so lighter right away once I get my body suit tightened so what will the scale really tell me with that kind of wrench thrown into the works?

What was important for me to know was the percent of body fat....to me that is the only number worth tracking now and the only one I can control. At this point there isn't much I can do to lose more weight beyond surgery (plastic surgery that is) and the number on the scale isn't important. It was when I started cuz you need something to shoot for but now my focus has shifted from weight loss to fitness. I figure it is my job now to do the very best I can do to strengthen and tone and work out so I can build a very solid core so when I do get nipped and tucked it will be pulled taunt over a very nice frame that it now hiding under yards of excess skin.

I am hitting my workouts as hard as I can and Michael (my friend and trainer) are building better and more complex sessions for me as well as doing cardio and of course my beloved yoga .

It's really freeing to be able to be comfortable letting go of a number on a scale and I was never ever hung up on that....it's just time to jog my last few miles before I cross the finish line and look and feel as good as I possibly can when I get there!!

See you on the other side.....

I Passed the Test

2009-06-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

So I need to go back to last week and give a bit more detail to a post I made on my fan page (what post? what fan page? hmmmm....please check the far right column for more info thankyouveerymuch)

What I posted was a kudos to myself for passing a big life test. I am going to tell my little tale and it involves 2 boys I care for very much but as much as it involves them it has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with them...kinda. You'll see.....(and yes, they both know the other side of the story, duh not that silly of a girl).

So I have this wonderful friend. He has been a part of my life for over a decade now. He is smart, driven, powerful, articulate, incredibly sexy and basically everything I wanted in a guy. I deeply admire (nearly) everything about him (he does have some flaws- dammit) and he has been such a very special friend to me I can't even say or explain. He is just as big a fan of me by the way and our conversations are frequently a mutual admiration club meeting. I have gotten so much from his friendship over the years and because he has always lived in CA.....and I, did not. There was none of the pesky reality to get in the way of my fantasy of him. I have spent years thinking in the back of my mind that he was the one for me. I have put him on a pedestal and compared so many men in my life to him its pathetic, seriously pathetic. And when I wasn't with anyone (which has been the greater part of the last decade- sad but true) it was okay because I was getting emotional intimacy from him. Yet another reason why sex was so easy to give away- I didn't need those men for intimacy I had my friend.

Yeah, he was a wonderful excuse not to get serious about anyone and a great cover for why I was alone. I used him in a way I had no right to but I couldn't have cared less. I never really let myself go to the place where I truly fell in love with him but I have been on the brink for years and that was helped mightily when we met last year. Oh yeah...did I mention that all this time I had never actually been in the same room with him ever? Details....

So we met last year and our meeting totally met both our expectations.It was sizzling hot and we had soooo much fun. It was beyond great and my head was in the clouds over him for months afterwards. Now he is a very good friend and he continually does his best to steer me away from loveland. At the end of the day we both knew one thing was true- he could never ever give me what I needed. Do I love him? Yes, I do. Totally and unconditionally. He has been my friend and been there for me so many times I can't even count. He has earned my love and trust and respect a thousand times over....but he is never going to be a man I could be in love with.

Ok.....cut to fabulous boy in my life.

The one who shows up at my house and covers my face with kisses. The one who cooks for me and makes me lunches. The one who leaves cute comments for me and thinks about me even when I don't think he is.....the one who is real and here for me.

So, where does this test come in?

My friend called me last week and wanted to arrange a weekend together.

Now please remember that this really has nothing to do with either of these men....this is all about me.

He called and told me he was going to be in town and wanted to spend another fun filled weekend with me. This is my dream man. This is the man who I always suspected I would never be able to say no to. This is the man who I always knew would be my Achilles Heel and if I was ever to cheat it would be with him. And here he was...popping up from out of the blue promising me everything I ever wanted from him and god doesn't his timing SUCK???!!!

Expect he wasn't, he couldn't and never could or would.....all he was offering was sex and it suddenly wasn't the stuff of my fantasies but something that could threaten my reality. And for the first time in my life the fantasy wasn't worth it.

Now please feel free to give Chris all the credit in the world for being a great guy and being someone real in my life but it wasn't really about him.

I was ready to let my friend go. I was ready to release him from being my fantasy dream man. He was my magic feather who made me feel sexy and desirable when no one else thought I was sexy or wanted me. Over the last few months (yes, even before Chris came into my life) I have been unpacking some of my baggage. I have had a tendency over the years to collect ex's. I had a cell phone full of men, and by that I mean 2 or 3 (now mostly all married) who I could call and they would fall all over me to tell me how hot I was and how much they wanted me.....as long as their significant other was yelling at them or they were on a business trip. I was their 2 minute "safe" fantasy that they could hang up and not feel guilty -while I would hang up and feel even more alone. But that 2 minutes was worth it to feel that desire even for that long....or short depending on how you look at it. They were my surrogate boyfriends and I love them for what they gave me....but I have been slowing letting them go.

I have slowly set them adrift and have let them float off to where ever it is that they need to go. I just don't need them anymore.

Now again....this really has nothing to do with Chris. Yes, he is wonderful and real and I am so grateful to be building something wonderful with him but the truth is...I was ready for him. I was ready for the real man.

I was ready to let go of the fantasy and start living my life. These past few years have been more then just a diet my friends. I think I am finally growing up.

So my ultimate test.....the fantasy above all others that I feared I could never let go of....I did.

Now don't think I am so rock solid I didn't totally freak out and reconsider calling my friend back. A decade's worth of lust isn't so easy to let go of I don't care who you are! But then my boy came over and his hugs were real and his kisses were real and he took my hand and wiped my cheeks as I cried over sharing this story with him.

And that is all I really need......I passed the test.

Whew!

Pop Goes the World

2009-06-29T20:50:00.001-07:00

The man, the myth, the music.....the legend. Say say say what you will about him (sorry, couldn't resist) but the truth is the man made an impact on the world that no one else will ever make in our lifetime.

He never rushed into the twin towers, he is not a hero....at least not in that sense. He never cured cancer or saved a life....or did he? No matter how you think of and remember him there is just flat out no denying that the man was magical. Maybe not to you, if he wasn't your cup of tea that is fair. No one appeals to everyone universally but frankly....Michael Jackson was as close as we may ever come to that.

See... the thing is no matter what your opinion of him is that fact is you HAVE an opinion. And to have an opinion that means you experienced something about him. Could be the good stuff....there is plenty of that to pick from. Might be some of the bad....there is some of that too (the guy was human-despite what some fans believe). And when something happens like Michael Jackson passing away it brings the world to its knees.

Just for a moment-

for one second everyone has a shared experience and for that moment.....we are one.

(please thank me later for not saying we ARE the world....)

That is what struck me as I listened to what quickly became "all Michael all the time" radio is the 24 hours following his death. That no matter who you are, no matter where you are in the world you could stop someone and say "wow, did you hear Michael Jackson died?" and have a shared experience. That....is cool.

Not cool that he died of course but there is just something massively powerful about moments and events like this. Not that it is on the same level (except in some ways it is..) it reminded me of 9/11. The specific image that came to mind is the headline of one of the European papers thet day after the attacks that read simply...."Today, we are all Americans". Watching all the reaction to Michael's death I could not help but think "Today, Michael brought the world together" and I have to think that is something he would be very proud and excited about.

As I think of his music and look forward to the days ahead when we can let go of the minutia of what happened when and they stop playing 911 calls and we can just remember the music and the man who created it....I hope Michael knows and understands that he will be missed and he will be celebrated and for one moment he brought the world together....and I thank him for that.

Peace be with you Michael.....rest now.

Hometown Girl

2009-06-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

First off let me apologize to my readers.....you will be pleased to know I have already written "I will not go so long between blogs eve ever again" 1000 times on my chalkboard (oh yeah, I went old school- that is how dedicated to you all I am!)

I have to admit something to you....I am sooooo excited to come home for my birthday party. Its gonna be a blast to see all my hometown friends and of course my family. We are gonna play in the park and have some kick ass karaoke (but from now on it will be called Tonioke- you'll understand why later). We will laugh and I am going to treat myself to some long overdue treats such as the following items....

I will consume for the first time on over a year and a half some if not all the following items:

a diet pepsi (used to drink 4-6 cans and was totally addicted)

a piece of birthday cuz......let ME eat cake!

a cheeseburger (it may be turkey but I LIKE turkey better.....but cheese, oh how I have missed you my friend)

an adult beverage (oh yeah bitches, it is ON...I figure 2 sips should put me under the table)

one of my sister's deviled eggs (only my sister's will do- accept no substitute!)

and other items I may add at my discretion....cuz its MY DAY!!!!

So that's all cool and good and exciting and not what I need to admit to you.....

What I need to admit is.....I am scared. I am so nervous about this trip. Excited? Yes,very excited. I have been thinking about it and planning this since January (please consider that fact as you consider your rsvp....no pressure). And the truth is I am so scared I won't live up to your standards. I hope to see a ton of my peers/classmates and let's face it...we may very well have grown up but when we are all together it will be 1986 all over again and nothing will matter more to me that what you guys think? Am I pretty enough? Am I cool enough? Have I done enough with my life to impress you? And for those of you who have been reading along all this time and supporting me.....what if I don't live up to my own hype? What is my transformation isn't dramatic enough and not what you expected? I don't want to let anyone down and as much as I know I will get a ton of love there will be that part of me that weighs and measures every glance wondering what you are really thinking......cuz we all know I never was -nor never will be- one of the cool kids. I was always cool with the cool kids but I never quite master balancing at the top of the popularity pyramid that was Boone High.

So hometown.....I come back to you humbled, proud and very very scared. I love you all and I hope this time you love me back!

Be gentle!!

Tonight's word.....

2009-06-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

So what is on Tracey's mind tonight? Hmmmmm well isn't that always a great question??

Gratitude

That is tonight's word...

There is no denying that times are hard. I am working 3x's as hard as I ever have and I am currently making half of what I did just 6 months ago. But you know what? I am grateful. I am passionate about my job and am so lucky that I have found a profession that fits my core values and I can live what I feel is most important everyday. For those of you who have never heard/read/been quoted my mantra it is this...by the master himself Zig Ziglar: "You can get everything you want in life if you just help enough other people get what they want." Is there anything more important than that? If there is I'd love to know.

Recruiting enables me to create a win-win-win scenario between my clients, candidates and me. It takes a partnership and when it works it always feels a little magical to me. So do I dread making those 200+ cold calls I have to pound out before I get even a sniff of a job order I can work on? Oh yeah....but its worth it and I don't want to do anything else.

I have been fired 4 times in my career now and most of the time (frankly) I can trace it back to my big frickin mouth and speaking my mind but you know what? I am grateful for each of those occasions because it pushed me out of my comfort zone and I learned the value of my own voice and that I am happy to sacrifice a paycheck over not saying what I feel is right and true. Fuck em if they can't handle it. As I have mentioned before the company I am with now believes in me and supports me and I can literally tell my boss anything and I get heard and respected. Its wrong there is no line on my W2 where I can pencil that in but it is priceless to me. And the rest? Well sales is high risk/high reward and if I am the recruiter I say I am I can, will and must create the income I need to do the things I want to do and live the life I deserve to lead.

My family...

They aren't perfect. We are a band of broken and busted misfits. We are loud and crazy and have deep deep closets that you just don't want to open and I am grateful for each and every one of them. Each has written a chapter in my story and I would not be me without the content they have given me. Good, bad and lots and lots of in-between. I am soooo excited to get home it 2 weeks and hang with my motley crew. I love them love them love them.

My body...

Is farrrrrr from perfect but it is perfectly mine and I am grateful for it. Yeah, you'll have to remind me I said this later but for today I celebrate it because it got me this far dammit. It had every reason to revolt long ago but the good vessel that it is it carried me until I was ready to stand up and carry it for awhile. Of course carrying it is kind of like holding a pot of spaghetti without the pot....things tend to ooze everywhere but whatev.....this to shall be healed in time.

My friends....

What a spectacular group of hot messes I have to love and who love me back.Each one beautiful and fabulously flawed in ways that make me proud to know them. I am so lucky to have such a dynamic group....I feel like I could spread them all out on the floor all around me and bask all day in the fabulous light they bathe me in. Lucky me.....truly and honestly.

My boy....

What can I say.... I have been blessed with having someone new in my life who likes me. Who gets me. Who wants to be with me and talk about silly things and important things and things that will happen in the future and why not help each other build that life so we can play even more and talk about even more silly and serious things? It is like watching a bubble float on the air. It seems easy and carefree but it is taking all the effort of the wind to keep it aloft and the trees are protecting it and the sun is shining on it just right. It is new and shiny (and who doesn't know by now how much I adore new and shiny??) and fragile and strong and solid and transparent. It is refreshing and I feel like I deserve this. I have earned this and it is mine for the taking as long as I remember that it needs to be earned everyday and like the bubble that it is it can never be gripped too tightly or boxed or caged because it will burst into a thousand droplets. It just needs to be allowed to float free and happy and go where it is supposed to and all I need to do is enjoy how pretty it is and trust that the wind will do its thing to help keep it aloft for a long long time to come.....

My life....

It is fucked up and a mess but it is what I have created and ergo it is perfect. If its not I have only myself to blame and I am the only one who can fix it. It is the progression of so many tears and scrapes and challenges and victories and set backs and comebacks and .......it goes on and on and the cool thing is that at the end I will get to write my favorite lines at the end of my own story.....and she lived happily (gratefully) ever after.....cuz I will.

So take stock and count you blessings, even if they do not seem so, cuz this is the only life we got kids. Let's make it count.

Holli and Nolan's Dad

2009-06-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

It's hard to not think about my brother today. It's hard to not think about my niece and nephew and how they have to go through each day for the rest of their life without their father. I know my brother and I know he wasn't the perfect father (who is??)but I do know deeply he loved his kids.

Troy was the funny dad. He sang songs badly, he made awful jokes. He was silly and crazy and could have you rolling. He was so proud of Nolan following his footsteps and becoming a hunter. he loved deer hunting (poor Bambi) and Nolan loves it just as much. Nolan got his first buck this year but Troy wasn't there to see it. Just another of the long list of moments he will miss in their lives.

And Holli, well I know he was proud just to have had a part in creating such a beautiful girl. He was her escort for a beauty pageant she was in and I will never forget that beaming look of pride he had on his face as he walked her across the stage. He just glowed looking at her, bursting with pride. He loved going to her games and cheering her on. In fact it was Troy who picked her name. He always said he was gonna have a little girl and she was going to be names Holli Ann. How many kids can say that were destined to belong to their parents like that?

I can't imagine going through each day without my dad and I wish like hell I could take that away from them. I wish there was one thing I could do that could even come close to dropping a stone to fill that chasm. I promised when he died that I would be there for them twice as much and love them ten thousand times as much. Check on the love part but I feel like I am failing them is the being there department. I don't know how to be there and they are teenagers and trying to hard to find their own way. Its so hard to know how much to step in and how much to hang back and let them come to me. I know they both know I am here for them. I just hope they actually feel it in their hearts everyday.

We buried Troy this day last year. I flew home for the burial and then his headstone was set on his birthday so when I come home next month it will be the first time I saw the completed grave.

Its pretty where he is buried. Its woodsy and quiet and I hope he has found peace there. And I hope when his kids go there to see him it brings them peace and they know that he hasn't really left them and he is with them everyday.

I love you soooo much Holli and Nolan. You are very loved and I am thinking of you today and everyday....

My 2 Dads

2009-06-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

This being Father's Day it is only fitting I post a small tribute to the OG men in my life. I can truly say I got lucky in this department (although I would not have admitted this in my teen years you can be sure). The road has been rocky with both but now as a almost whole grown up type person I can see and treasure and love these men for who they are and what they helped shaped my life to be.

Larry....

Larry is my stepdad but I am now to the point where I refer to both my step parents as just parents. Larry is a pure and wonderful soul. He is the guy who taught me to drive a car (my mother drove with me once and that was enough for her, after that it was all up to Larry). He is goofy and can ramble on and on about the topics he is fired up about. He is such a giving person. He would literally give anyone the shirt off his back to anyone who needs it.

As I mentioned I had a rocky relationship with him at one time (that time being my teen years). My parents divorced when I was very young and he came into my life and I couldn't really understand what his job was or why he was there. He was very patient with me but trying to replace a parent is always a losing task and not that he ever did. He was just there and tried to love me as best he could- or as much as I would let him.

I can honestly say no one in my life moved me like Larry has.....no really. He moved me from state to state 2 times (Iowa to Chicago the Chicago to Phoenix) and the stories I can tell about those trips are a whole series of blogs that can be told another day.

I guess today what I want Larry to know is I do love and appreciate him. He was more of a father to me than I deserved and he is a very special man in my life and always will be.

Ron.....

My Dad...the giver of life. My Dad is great. He is fanastically intelligent and well informed. I am my fathers daughter in more ways than just looks. There is just no denying how far this apple fell from the family tree. From my father I got passion, curiosity, creativity, imagination. He helped me know that my world expanded beyond what I could see around me. He also gave me my soul. No one I knoow feels as deeply as he does.My Dad is one big open heart and I love him so much for showing mehow to be open.

My Dad has been on the fringes of my life for so long not because of lack of love but because a stubborn daughter combined with a father who isn't the best at communicating isn't a great mix. I deeply regret the time I spent being to stubborn to make those movesthat could have made him a bigger part of my life and I am so proud of us both for being much much better at our own issues on the topic.

What I want my father to know is how much I love him and what a great dad he really has been to me. Not through grand deeds or anything else other than the depth of love he has for me. If I didn't have any other person in the whole world who loved me his love could sustain and nurture me for the rest of my days, thank you Daddy for always loving me.

To both these men- thank you for what you gave me and I hope I can be the daughter you both deserve because I don't know how I got so lucky in having you both in ly life.

I love you!! Happy Fathers Day!!!

The Fog rolls in

2009-06-21T17:14:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure I was going to get around to blogging this weekend. You see the fog rolled in and it made everything foggy and so very hard to see or think or do anything beyond sleeping and moving off the sofa.

My old friend depression decided to pop in for a weekend visit you see. I can't claim to be an expert on depression other than my experience (all to vivid experience) of living with it all around me. I have lost 2 family members to suicide and know of at least one other family member who has attempted it (I found them and thwarted their attempt). I am sure if I played true confessions with some other family members I would find more than a few more who have stepped out on that particular ledge a time or two (myself included) but for whatever reason did not step off (at least successfully- although its odd to tie the word success to suicide).

All I know is that for me, depression is always there. I have described it before as the ocean's undercurrent that is constantly threatening to pull me under. I spend the majority of my time swimming like hell to keep myself on top of the wave, riding it but fearing every second that if I slip even a little bit I will be sucked under and maybe this time....for good. It is exhausting and one can never tell what might set it off.

I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I think of myself as a strong person and I don't like the feeling of being out of control but when the cloak of depression creeps up on me its like I was slipped a drug. Sometimes I can catch the moment it slips over me and I can almost feel the cold needle piercing my flesh as the cold drug of depression begins flooding my body making the whole world fuzzy and turning my brain into worthless mush. If I am lucky during this time I can at least function on auto-pilot. Like yesterday I somehow managed to complete my basic tasks of the day such as laundry, doing dishes, a bit of cleaning ....but yoga had to be cut as a 14 hour nap was far more important. Even with that I still found myself a zombie at 9 and was passed out cold at 9:30pm. Damn, do I know how to rock a Saturday night or what?

So how does a strong person deal with such a disease? One that turns you into a cowering, whimpering emotional mess? And how do you keep the window to your soul open to a new person in your life without giving him the impression that you are some broken china doll who needs to be handled with kid gloves?

Well I used to hide.....hide deep in my corner and under my covers where no one could ever ever see me. If no one saw me then I could go on business as usual and only I knew how much the cauldron of my emotions are bubbling. But then I started doing this blogging thing and as scary as it is to share things with you (cuz then ohimgod you will know!!) it helps. When I write about things like this I don't have you guys in mind. This is me being selfish and writing to myself. Since I can't actually sit my broken little doll self down and chat with her at least here I think she gets to talk a little bit which is good because for the most part she doesn't have a voice. I keep her gagged and bound because if someone sees her they might not think I am as together as I need people to think I am.....there is that block again. Where else does this show up in my life? How about everywhere....

What set it off this time is trivial. Well, not exactly trivial but not anything that millions of people aren't dealing with everyday. Its just Friday was my day to not exactly handle it very well. I spent the whole day in tears (plus side of working alone- I can sob all day and no one asks me "what's wrong") and by the end of the day I was emotionally done. In fact I skipped out early and flew home as fast as I could to hide and frankly I have not left the house since. I do give myself snaps for resisting another urge that is hard wired into me. Chris and I had plans to do a dinner/movie night and I was sooooo excited. Now what my usual programming would scream at me to do when I feel the current pulling at me is to violently push everyone away so I can then be the perfect martyr and sit back all alone and lament about how nobody loves me. So the fact I did not cancel on Chris is huge- I was close though, can't lie. So he came over and it was good. I had made a "comfort pit" for myself. I threw every pillow in my house on the floor and pulled out all my special blankies....the one my mom made for me when I was 10. The one my niece made for me. And the Bubba blanket made from Troy's t-shirts with the border made from my sisters robe. I wore a nightshirt my grandma had bought for me when I was like 8 and I had my boy who kissed me and cuddled me and make it ok- for a little while.

His wonderful cooking (swoon) and holding me close while we watched one of my fave movies was perfect and just what I needed and the whole night kinda induced a haze that I was just totally wrapped up in. I never want him to leave but I have to admit I was so tired I literally could not keep my eyes open and after he left I am sure I was dead asleep before he even left my complex.

Here is my dilemma and it is totally mine because I know he, or you guys don't care....but how do I convince you all that I am ok even when I am not? After living with this for so long and especially this last 2 years I have become aware of the signs and danger zones.Part of me still wants to hide away just because when I have slipped- which I do and will continue to do in the future- it is so scary to talk to me. I know how dark and morose and just awful I sound and if it were me talking to someone I care about I would be panicked. I can't say I am ok during these "spells" but the truth is you can love and support me but ultimately you can't help. I can't be fixed or rescued and sometimes I am beyond your ability to even reach me. You couldn't, not with a boat or a plane or running as fast as you can. Sometimes I just need to drift and only I can start paddling back to shore and back to the people I know who are waiting there for me.

It's so huge I can even admit I have people on the shore, on dry land, who love me because that is what depression loves to steal away from you. The connections you have to others. The things that you live for and love in life are depression's greatest enemies. So you see? I have made such progress even knowing while I am in the fog that if I just walk long enough in a straight line that I will find you and then you can help me. You help by being there all along for me to find.

So its not ok...I won't go as far as to say that. Its cold and scary and I hate it but its another part of my life. I try to be honest here- as much as I have the ability to recognize the honesty of a situation myself. I would not be honest if I hid this from you and I would be cheating my broken doll self of her voice if I did not allow her to speak here.

What it is- is my life. God knows its not pretty and the road ahead has many many rough patches ahead and I'll be back here to this foggy wet place more times in my life than anyone would ever want but I have a pocket full of breadcrumbs and I will find my way out.....

A Quicky

2009-06-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, I was informed in no uncertain terms that blogging needed to happen and soon so here ya go. I don't have a burning issue to discuss so we will be free forming this and you know how sometimes that can go south....we shall see what happens.

Work this week has been a grind but in a good way. I finally have gotten off my ass and started executing to my full potential. I switched markets to something a bit meatier (from sales to healthcare- recruiting that is for those of you who still have no idea what I do for a living, s'ok my sister still can't explain it either). I fought it for a long time but you know what? Fuck it, if it will make me money I am there. I have gotten a few bites so far which is cool and made about 500 cold calls in 4 days which is brutual but hey, its not like I have anyone to distract me. Ummm that being said feel free to text me during the day since I don't have any humans to talk to other than clients (and they aren't that much fun- at least until we get to the part where they pay me). So yeah, desperate times call for stepping up, sucking up and making it happen and if I am the sales person/recruiter I claim to be I am more than capable of creating my own destiny (and income) to get above this and get back to where I need to be financially....

I have good incentive to make big bucks to cuz Chris and I have lots and lots of adventures planned- we just need the income so we can start doing them but I have to say in the meantime I am so very much enjoying finding creative ways to enjoy each others time. Hey now- I didn't mean like that!! In case you haven't noticed I have been surprisingly sparse with the dirty details, not they aren't delicious and fun but frankly its MY shiny toy....mine mine mine and I don't feel like sharing!! Several friends have been asking about meeting him and I have to say while I love the idea and certainly want him to know my friends and vice versa I just have no desire to share right now. It's nice just being in the bubble of it all being new and exciting. So you will just have to enjoy what you get cuz I am keeping this one close.

Ok....I was gonna write more but due to my overwhelming popularity I am being IM'ed by 3 people on FB.

Hope this tides you over for now kids.....

In Case you Missed it

2009-06-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

Membership has its privileges and if you are a fan of mine on Facebook you already know this but to catch the rest of the world (my corner of it anyways).... I FINALLY after weeks of hovering right above the line dropped under the 200 pound mark for the first time in at least 2 decades!! As of last Friday I weigh 197.6 lbs!!

It is a huge milestone and I was determined to hit it before I came home for my birthday. I'd love love love to be under 190 now before the party but we will have to see....For now I will do my best to keep my promise to myself to celebrate the milestone victories. It's just not everyday that someone can tell you they have lost 220 lbs. I will resist the urge to look ahead and mention that I still have at least 40 pounds more to go (not to mention plastic surgery). Yes, I will totally resist that urge and just bask and take in the moment.

I took a picture of the scale not just to be cute (cuz, well I am just am cute dammit) but because I have focused and visualized that amount (at least the part where the first number is a 1) for sooooooo long. It is always hardest to push through those milestones. I remember how hard it was to get under the 300 pound mark. Ugh, crazy to think how recent that was.

So what is different? After 220 pounds how is my life different? This is a tricky question to answer actually because I want to hold true to the multiple rants I have fired off here in the past and do my best to not disparage or put down myself from a year ago, or hell at any point up until now. Was I broken? Of course....Was I making bad choices? Yes. Were the bad decisions I was making any more or less destructive than decisions other people make to ruin their lives? Nope but the difference is I was literally wearing my bad decisions for the whole world to see and judge....and still have the shell I have to cart around. My souvenir, my albatross.

Life is different though....no doubt about it. My eating habits are 1000% better but don't think for a second I have risen above temptation. God the list of food I would chew off my right arm for is vast. It's bizarre to think its been over a year since I have had any fast food of any kind. Just yesterday I gave in to one to many "treats" and my body revolted almost right away (bleech). Which I guess is a good thing. I limit what I have so much that when I get to much of a good thing my body sends out the crossing guard and says do NOT pass! I will always struggle with finding those good for me things as opposed to the good things. Looking forward to AG (after goal) I hope to be able to sprinkle in those treats now and then and relax about it.

My physical life is obviously the most dramatic change. I keep getting reminded of little moments- moments where I would walk 2 blocks out of my way rather than try to tackle a staircase. Damn those stairs!! Or even sitting in a booth at a restaurant knowing I can't squeeze into it. Or checking the chairs I was going to be sitting in an hoping there were no arms so I wasn't wedged in. I could go on and on.....to have those moments gone is bizarre. To be able to do all those things effortlessly is amazing. Simple but huge for me.

Not even to mention the whole physical exercise routine. Yoga, weight training and cardio. Exercising so regularly that I had to be forced to add a day off into my schedule??!! A year ago that was so impossible. My first attempts at any exercise was just walking around my condo courtyard because I was terrified of going into the gym at my condo. Now- I am in there everyday pretty much without fail. I even pushed back my date with Chris because I didn't want to miss yoga if I didn't have to?? Exercise over a boy?? A cute boy at that!! Crazy....batshit crazy.

I have come such a long way. I have been getting to know myself on a whole new level. When I started this some of my family members expressed concern that I would be a different person after going through this. Have I changed? Of course....and I knew I would. Any journey you take changes you so it would have been insane to think I wouldn't change but what I promised myself and I believe I have held true to is I have not changed the fundamental person that I was and still am. I am still ME just a different version of me....its even up for debate if this is a better or worse version of me but I am a work in progress and always will be.

Ok....20 pounds times 2 to go!!!

Falling in Love

2009-06-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

I had forgotten how easy yet so so difficult it can be. The highs and lows, the exploring and getting to know this new entity in your life. It's strange and exciting all at the same time.

This blog is first and foremost a tool I have been using to examine my own life. To put it into a business example this blog is me"whiteboarding" my own journey. I look for patterns (like that fact I can't seem to string more than a couple of good days together in a row without the ride hitting a few bumps) or places that might be a bit more than meets the eye (grab a shovel people, we are digging in right here).

The biggest journey I have taken in this space isn't the weight loss or living through the grief of losing my brother and most recently my grandma. And no....it isn't even my fabulously fucked up love life.

No....the biggest journey has been (and will continue to be) finding myself and .....(god help me for quoting a Whitney Houston song) learning to love myself. Yes Whitney, that IS indeed the greatest love. Hmmmmm, were you expecting me to be going another direction with this post? Sorry not there yet. Perhaps on the path and wandering in a general direction that may or may not lead there but no, too early to call that race kids. Stay tuned though?

Here is some good news- some of you may recall a blog I posted called "I'm looking at the man in the Mirror" (Aug 08 archives- worth a read or re read, go look. I can wait). It basically was a run down of the points I hated about myself as I looked in the mirror. Well lord knows I still have quite the list of things that I do not like about myself (another days blog) but I have to say the mirror has become a less hostile place these days which is pretty damn huge in my life.

I can breeze by the mirror and catch a glimpse of a person who isn't so bad.

Ok, not the strongest affirmation or validation in the world but if you have been following this particular bouncing ball for long you know that is leaps and bounds beyond where I started and pretty remarkable progress. It's not that I was ever a self hater (even though there is plenty of evidence to the contrary) and in the past I would have argued that it wasn't a self confidence issue- but the more I think about these things the more I might have to go back and reassess. Why does it matter to go back and tear apart and CSI my past now?

As much as it seems the past doesn't matter- it does. The past is where all the data is to figure out the "why" of how my life got like it got and until I get a grasp on the "why" of where I got, I really have no hope of making those permanent changes that will mean this isn't just the top of the roller coaster hill that is the first in a series of loop-de-loo's but that this is almost the end of this ride and I can soon hop off it and go on to a bigger and much better ride!

Loving yourself......wow.

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to try to do. I am not even close to there but I am trying. I wish it was easy as working out (wtf....did I just say working out is easy? damn...someone go back a year and tell -that- Tracey I said that and watch her tell you to fuck off!!). But if there was a way I could strengthen my self love muscle I would do it (and don't go to the dark side with that comment, yeah I mean you!! keep it clean, this is a family show). It's tough is all I am saying....its tough to really like and love yourself because let's face it, you know how damaged you are. You know how broken and battered and how many pieces you are in on the inside and god knows that crappy patch job you did will only last so long and what happens when it all falls apart. You know how many times you have hurt other people (whether you meant to or not) and how you have the capacity to hurt even more given time. You know the deep the darkness is and where all the bodies are buried and what the secrets are that you hope no one ever finds out about......

When you think of all those things it hard to find yourself lovable or worthy of love.

"The bad stuff is easier to believe.....you ever notice that?" Julia Roberts circa Pretty Woman

And there's there wonderful quote I have on my wall by Marianna Williamson (or Gandhi depending on who you care to believe, regardless....):

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I know I have done a lot of good stuff. Some might even call this blog one of the best things I have done as I have shared so much with so many and perhaps.....maybe....even inspired a few folks along the way and what in life is more important than helping people become more than they could be on their own? Most of us need a hand, that's all.....I can see greatness and beauty in everyone around me to a person. I see bright shiny wonderful souls all around me. Why then is it such a leap to believe that I might be one of them??

It's tough but maybe I can see just a glimmer of my own beauty and light. I couldn't inspire others if I didn't have beauty inside me right? Just as you all have inspired me by the beautiful and wonderful things you do to support me and the other people in your lives.

So maybe there is hope for me to fall head over heels in love.....with myself!

Warning: May Cause Side Effects

2009-06-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

New relationships are great...as I am finally at long long last being reminded of.....there is tons of chemistry sizzling the air all around you. I swear I can feel Chris as soon as his car hits my condo gate by just the way the hairs on my arm stand on end in anticipation. The sweetness of those new kisses as you are still getting used to a new set of lips to taste. The way each touch is new and exciting and unexpected. Everything is a surprise and you can't wait to see what comes next...

Except....

They need to slap a warning label on new relationships...

WARNING: MAY CAUSE SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: DROWSINESS, LACK OF MENTAL CAPACITY, MENTAL AND PHYSICAL FATIGUE (if done correctly anywho) TWITTERPATION AND..... THE POTENTIAL FOR THE RELIVING OF PAINFUL MEMORIES

:::sigh::::

So amongst all the wonderful get to know ya things that happen in the beginning of a relationship (the poor guy already sat through a viewing of my photo albums- nominations for Sainthood are being submitted) there is also the sharing of the bad stuff. Because as well all know the bad stuff sometimes is a bigger part of us than the sum total of all the good.

Last night Chris and I had a lovely evening....dinner at one of my fave restaurants, spectacular conversation (always a given) and then relaxing at my house. I wanted to explain a bit more about my blog....specifically why I call it Laughing Stars so I showed him the archived entry which started this whole thing. The entry was the goodbye letter I wrote to Troy.

As you may recall (or want to re-read) I quote the passage from the Little Prince at the end as a way of summing up my emotions about losing my brother:

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'"

I love this quote and it seemed the perfect title for my blog- and my life. I also showed him the blog about Troy's "Last Call" (which is archived in the Jan 09 batch).

He read them and of course was touched and wonderfully supportive but what I hadn't counted on was my reaction. Just reading that and reliving it through someone else's eyes just took me right back there. Standing on the steps of the church before the funeral, hugging my dad for the first time when I got to the hotel, my decision whether or not to view his body. I was there again and it hurt all over again. It seems that wound has not quite healed and if you flick at the edges it will still bleed.

It's important that he know and understand that about me- what that week did to me and how it started all this but it doesn't make it any less painful to talk about or share. Obviously I knew it would come up and we would get into it. I certainly want him to know and really understand the whole experience, including getting to know my brother. I want him to feel like he does know Troy since he will always be a part (a huge part) of my life.

I think it might be a bit more intense now as I am so close to coming home and one of my plans for the trip home is to visit Troy's grave for the first time. I was there for the burial but this will be the first time I see it with the headstone set. That was done on his birthday last year and I could not make it back for that too. So I guess I am already kinda wandering to "that place" mentally. I was also informed that we will be burying my Grandmother's ashes when I go home so once again my trip home will be more about the death in my family than a celebration which was -my- plan (see what happens when I try to plan things? I swear I don't make this shit up).

So yeah.....things are really good with Chris. I am feeling comfortable (kinda) and relaxing (sorta) and I see good things ahead for us (woo-hoo!!) but really......these side effects are a bitch!!

My Future?

2009-06-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

Tracey just got their Tarot Cards Read

Context - Ace of Cups: Have you had a rising of emotions for a particular love lately? If not it is on the way! This may be a new love relationship with a person or it could be a new interest, hobby, or friendship. Any way you look at it, it is all good! Enjoy the feeling of excitement from within!

Focus - Empress 3: The Empress is all about energy and flow and is the feminine card. A project started by the Fool is likely to come to fruition with the Empress on your side. This is a fertility card and not necessarily in the biological sense. This card provides the support and creativity to accomplish your innermost endeavor that has been on your mind.

Outcome - Death 13: Death is a card of transformation! There is great change coming and some phase of your life is ending. Dont resist it because it is inevitable. It may be painful but make the most out of it because, in the end, it could be the best thing that has happend in your life!

Let's see if it comes true....

The Next Act

2009-06-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have just opened my book to a crisp clean new chapter. We are still following the same fabulously flawed characters you have come to love (namely, yours truly) and picked up a few new intriguing characters who we don't know well yet but seem to hold a ton of promise.

The setting is the same- a throw back in fact. But the scene has been reset and the hush has fallen over the crowd in the bubbling excitement over what comes next.

What indeed?

That's pretty much the question on the table isn't it? My life has fallen into that "unscripted reality" genre and god knows I am making this all up as I go. I was just talking to Chris about how much I wish I knew how close to the end I am. How long until I hit my weight loss goal? How long until I get the surgery I need to fix 30+ years of abuse I heaped upon my body? How long until I get my projects launched and out there for the world to hear my story....and maybe give a tiny spark of hope to someone who could really use a story that speaks to them. A story of someone who has had similar challenges and just needs that hand to help life them up!

It would all be so much easier if I knew that I just had to keep plugging away for another 6 months and then

:::KAPOW::::

:::BLAM::::

........it is all there before me, served right up on a silver platter (held by Chris who is wearing a tux and holding a rose between his teeth- hey, my dream I can visualize what I like).

But alas, there is no such prognostication device. The only one I trust anyways is my Muppet Magic 8 Ball and it give me answers to my questions like "Bork!" and my fave "Wocka Wocka."

So....clean pages before me and as Natasha says I AM Unwritten. So what do I write? How do I create this next part?

Well first I need to get my ass into gear at work and create some revenue for myself. I have to pay down my credit cards and keep my head above water. I also need to have some play money for the trips and adventures Chris and I have discussed. We are even looking at ways to make these trips pay for themselves but more on that later....maybe.

And speaking of my newest character....he is going to help me with my planning for these other projects. He has a background that lends itself to some special skills and insights that will prove exceptionally helpful in the execution of my evil plans. I have done as much as I know how to do and gone as far as I can go on my own.

Now I know I need some heavy lifters to get me up to that next level. People like Michael who is helping my fitness by working with me as a personal trainer (if you are in Phoenix and would like his help let me know I can put you in touch- he has been great!). People like my yoga instructor Mary at Desert Song who is helping me with my mind, body connection (and totally told me I was rocking with how well my practice is progressing!). People like my boss Jason at TriStaff who believe in me professionally and will give me the opportunity to prove myself and even kick my ass when it needs kicked.

And brilliant,wonderful people like Chris who want to help me be the best me I can become. He is shaping up to be an excellent partner in crime for all my misadventures. Now is the time to fall back, regroup and then take down the bunker, decimate the enemy and win this fucking war once and for all!

Oh....and you guys. My fans and readers...I will never be able to tell you enough how much it means to me that you care enough to read along with me and support me. I can feel it all around me all the time and it helps. It really helps.

I have been trying for a long time to live my life as an example for others....whether that is an example of what to do or what NOT to do is for you to decide. The one thing I do have dialed in though is the fact that NO ONE does this alone. Social Media has cast a glaring light on that subject which I think is pretty awesome. We ARE connected, we do have this need to belong and be part of a group,to be part of anything that is bigger than we are. It makes us feel connected and part of the bigger picture even when you are at your weakest and most powerless....that's when you can turn to your network and just ask for help. A whisper or a shout....doesn't matter. Help will come because you are connected to others. Ask for help and it will be there....it will be your soft place to land.

Athletes figure this out day one. They have people around them all the time supporting them and helping them grow. There is no reason why you can't have a stable of personal coaches for yourself. Have a list of people who you can go to for "x". You actually already have that list but I doubt you have taken the time to really think about and thank or just appreciate those people who are on your list. Do yourself and them a big favor and reach out to them today and say thanks.....you might be surprised that the person who gets a thanks is YOU!

We are not alone and we don't have to do any of it by ourselves. So thank you to my support team. I love you all and I wish many many blessing upon you as you have blessed me in ways I will need a lifetime to thank you for......

Got your plan?

Next step.....execute it!

Things to do to not F*ck Up

2009-06-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

Note to self......ex boyfriends will never never never give you the answers you are looking for so don't ever expect them to fix a relationship that has been dead for over a decade and a half. And as much pleasure it might seem to give you to torture them and grill them about what exactly was so fucked up about you that they didn't want you....you will still be left in the same place emotionally because there is no time machine to go back and fix things better left in the past and CSI'ing the remains will not help you navigate the waters of a brand new relationship because there is a whole new set of variables now.

Please, can someone be in charge of reminding me about that often? God knows my ex's would be ever so pleased.

So my task for the evening has failed utterly....that task being to really really try to figure out what my most high risk behaviors are that lead to me self sabatoging all good things that come into my life. Odd that my task failed as is seemed to work out so well for John Cusak in the movie High Fidelity (the book also rocks btw- Nick Hornby rules).

So here is my short list of Things to do to not fuck things up....

be super busy every moment of every day so you won't have time to be thinking (ie- dwelling) about stupid things (like...I wonder if he will just magically knock on my door just cuz I am thinking about him)

leave your phone turned off or in the other room so you do not look at it obsessively willing it to ring with the power of your mind

plan lots of things because the second you do he will want to make plans for the time and date that you just booked

do not express every thought that pops into your head and for damn sure do NOT blog about it

don't be yourself....be yourself lite, the kinder and gentler version of you

take your meds

go with the out of sight out of mind philosophy- if he isn't here he doesn't really exist

begin drinking....fuck the diet

talk to friends who are a much bigger hot mess than you are so you feel totally balanced and normal in comparrison

talk to ex bf's to figure out where it all went wrong ....what's wrong with you people?? that was a test! and no one even tried to stop me. You all suck!!!

spend money like you have it, fuck the fact you are making less money for the same job you did 2 months ago

spend free time watching YouPorn to study up for the next "at bat" you get

keep up with the "gardening" if you weed it, they will come....

oh....and this one is really really important

critical in fact....

you may want to write this down....

do NONE of the above because you are clearly on crack and just need to RELAX......grrrrrrrr

sometimes it is exhausting being me.....

Sitting on the Sidelines

2009-06-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

So this whole relationship/dating stuff never gets any easier does it? I mean....I feel like I have been out of the game for awhile, and the last time I played I had a whole different agenda. Less happily ever after and more search and destroy back then.

I have to start by saying how lucky I feel. I know how rare it is to run across someone you just feel glad to know. Period. In any context. And the fact that he is open enough to my life and situation to be cool with me including him in this blog is just awesome. Who does that? Who starts seeing someone and gives them permission to throw out the details of your relationship to the world (at least -my- world). The answer is he does and I am really grateful.

And not to worry, there are plenty of private details that are just between us :)

But this actually isn't about him, its about me.

Like how confusing for me to feel so content and relaxed while at the same moment being scared and flat out panicked. I have been thinking about it alot. Why do I have this urge to rush things. Why was I so fucking driven to go from first date to picking out china patterns in the first week? Why do I feel like I have to "close this deal" or he will disappear forever? Why can't I just relax and breath and let things grow and go where they are meant to go? Cuz I gotta tell ya, that ain't gonna happen if it is left in my hands.

I think it goes back to the same well as everything else. I can sugar coat it and dance around it and throw out some colorful analogies (I do love my analogies) but honestly I am mostly afraid that "he" (the universal he- not Chris specifically) is embarrassed by me. And I am afraid of that because I am still embarrassed about myself.

I have spent so long on the sidelines watching couples together. How they touch each other, how they hold hands, how they kiss, how they look at each other. I watch not from some weird voyeuristic place but from a place of profound, aching longing. I have wanted what they have for so long it physically hurts my heart. I would spend so much time denying that fact but the truth was always there and I couldn't escape it. Especially when it was right in line in front of me watching as she would slip her fingers into his back pocket and lean over to kiss his neck. And he reaches up to push her hair back behind her ear as he smiled this smile that just colored her all over with his love.

God I want that -and I want people to see that and know I am the person who is getting that kind of affection bestowed upon me.

But as I have watched scenes like that unfold a hundred times before me I have also wondered about the judgements people have. The whole what is HE doing with HER? He can do sooo much better than that. Gawd, if she can find someone anyone can! Has anyone ever thought that about me? Would they now if they saw me out with someone?

I think it would just be so cool to walk into a crowded room or a party on the arm of a guy who can't wait to show me off and is proud of me. I don't know that I have ever felt that. I have felt the opposite so many times though. Real or perceived I have just felt more often than not that when guy has taken me out he has been embarrassed. Maybe it was too many times sitting at the back tables. Or too many dates where we just stayed in and never went into public at all. Or maybe it was the being out but no touching once we were outside my bedroom. Which is another reason why I probably focused to much on sex. It was the one place I was certain to get touched.

I don't know how many kisses by a beautiful fountain it will take to make that feeling go away or how many adventure we have before I can relax and not feel like I have to milk every ounce of joy out of each moment because I am scared to death that it is going to be the last moment I have. That is actually my latest work in progress. To really focus on being in the moment and not be thinking 10 moves ahead including how to keep him from leaving cuz I just can't shake the fear that when he leaves I will never see or hear from him again...especially when we have not locked down plans for next time we get together. It's scary to let him go. Very scary.

The one thing scarier then never having love in my life is to have it and let it slip away. I just look forward to that moment where I just know. Where I know to the core of my soul that I am safe, and respected and loved and that "he" (the universal he) is proud of me.

In every way.... and I am proud of me too!

I am never gonna be normal

2009-06-03T16:39:00.000-07:00

All this work....all this effort. Hours on the treadmill and elliptical, hundreds of squats. Hours of stretching and posing on my yoga mat. Never cheating once in over a year on my diet.....

It's never gonna give me the perfect body.

I know this. And I know YOU know this. And I know that you know that I know this....none of which changes how much that sucks.

Ok, I don't even need perfect. I'll shoot for not embarrassing.

I went through my closet today and put aside some more clothes that I just can't wear but this time it wasn't just because they are too small. Now I need clothes that have camouflage power.

I want to be proud of all I have accomplished I really do but its hard to feel good swishing around in a skirt when I can literally see the skin on my legs ripple just from a glamour girl spin. I really wish I was exaggerating about that- I am not, even a little. And you can forget a cute little cap sleeve. I need at least elbow length to cover the arm flaps. At least my thighs are pretty well covered most of the time. I obsess enough about them (flabby with a bonus side of varicose veins- sweet) without having to worry who might be taking a peek at them besides me.

It's such a fucking long road. And I have accepted that life has consequences both good and bad for all decisions you make and the consequence of letting yourself hit 418 lbs is you have baggage. Hanging off you....at all times. It is a 24/7 reminder of what I did to myself. My own flesh and blood albatross.

And how bizarre is it to dream about a day when you can cut off your own skin? God that sounds gross! And not the I literally think about having a chunk off (ewwww) anyone in my family of medical freaks (anyone else grow up talking about blood clots while eating tomato soup for dinner?) can tell you I am not sick and wrong like that. In other ways, sure but not like that.

And you know what? Even when/if (cuz it might not- thats just reality) that happens I still won't be perfect. I will then be Frankenstein with big scars all over me. That is the trade off and I still won't look perfect.

I might look a little better naked though.

Fuck, I just don't know what else to do but keep walking the path I have laid out for myself but its hard. Some days more than others but its always there in my mind. I am always thinking about it.

Have my efforts been worth it then?

Of course they have....absolutely and without a doubt. It was worth it and it will keep being worth it- each inch (and at this point all progress in measured in inches not miles)I move closer to my goal proves it was worth it.

But.....

(sigh)

GRRRRRR

2009-06-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

Bored bored bored......I am fricking bored. My house is clean, dishes done. I will be working out with Michael tonight so I can't work out yet and I am fucking broke so that limits any outside activity.

B O R E D

Solitude always brings out the worst in me... time out here and there is great but leave me alone, adrift and bad things happen. Like right now I am cranky and pissy as hell. Couldn't tell you exactly why. I am seeing (3 times now- new world record!!) a great guy who doesn't seem ready to bolt on me at a given moment. (The GPS tracker I slipped into his shoes when he came over last night should help should that change.) He is really into me personally and even wants to partner with me professionally- which I always hoped for in a "potential" someone....he is even playing along with the blog here (reading and commenting) and I really really like kissing him a bunch.

I am going back to my old job....downside is the money sucks (but its more than nothing) and I will pretty much be working alone BUT its got a ton of freedom for me to do what I do. Its the next best thing to working for myself which I hope is in the not too distant future.

I had my best blogging month ever- and you guys seem to be enjoying it. (yes? no?) I had 800 views last month and I will soon have passed the number of entries I made in 09 over all of 08! Guess I have a lot more to say this year....

So why am I this moody bitch today? No, I am asking....anyone got a clue?

Damn, me neither.

In regards to my current romantic situation I am so excited about seeing where this goes and what can happen. It has been so so long since I have met someone I could see any kind of future with-up to and including just the next date. It is thrilling to me to have Chris tell me about trips and plans he is thinking of for us in the near future (implying that he not only is going to be around but thinks about it when we aren't together?? wtf?? wow....). This could end up being a very busy summer in a very good way. But I gotta say I am scared.....I can't keep that little voice in the back of my head quite. The one that is sneering at me asking me what am I gonna do to fuck this one up? I have a long history of self sabatage and one would hope that eventually you get over it but what if you don't? All I can do is be really aware of what I say and do and watch those random impulses I get (tricky those things are cuz sometimes they are very good but sometimes.....bad, very very bad)

I guess I really hope I will get some help in the not fucking it up part. I hope Chris will be the kind of guy who can call bullshit on me when he sees me going in a bad direction. Of course he is gonna have to get to know me better to get a good baseline of what is "acceptable" craziness by Tracey standards. He was talking about how he can see how close I am to realizing my full potential and he has a knack for bringing that out in people. I hope that is true and I hope that I can give him something he needs as well. I want to be there for him as much as he is talking about being there for me.....it'd be nice to get there together.

Arrrghhhh. I need to just chill out and find a project to get into. I will be going back to work Thursday.....was Monday, then Friday now Thursday...I am sure by the end of the day it will be come in tomorrow. So I should just fucking chill out right? Enjoy the break, bask in the new relationship and great sex.....right??

Ok, I'll try.....but no promises.

The Halloween Story

2009-06-01T16:33:00.000-07:00

(continuing with the college years.....)

So Wendy was a hideous monster of a person and living with her was like walking through a mine field. You just never knew when this chick would blow up. Janet was/is a very cute petite girl and Wendy decided she was going to get down to her size so she went on a laxative diet and dropped a bunch of weight. What that meant was poor Janet's closet became fair game for Wendy. Asking not necessary....although if she had asked the answer would have been yes not the taking thing, not so cool. Not even my closet was immune though. I remember sitting down and noticing Wendy was wearing a familiar garment of clothing. I went to see if I could find my item of clothing that looked exactly like the one she was wearing and -shocker- it was not there! I came back in the living room and sat down and must have had a quizzical look on my face cuz she asked me what was wrong. I told her I couldn't find my white sports bra and she said oh...you mean this one as she grabbed her ample chest (stretched it out thank you very much). Ummm yeah- that one. I nodded and she got up and gave me a look like I was the stupidest bitch to ever fall off the apple cart.

She worked as a aid in a nursing home (I can only imagine how delightful she was with her patients) and I remember we had to be very careful to make sure whatever movie we were watching when she got home (we would watch movies allllll the time waiting for her then we would go out to the bars) and if it was the wrong movie (and there was no telling what "wrong" was on any given night) she would fly into a rage or pout or whatever random extreme emotion bubbled to the surface.

Ahhhhh good times.....

Eventually her man crazy ways were successful and she succeed in trapping a poor guy named Brad into being her love monkey. To this day I don't understand what a guy as nice as he was saw in her but she got her hooks in good and eventually moved in with him. Last I heard they moved to FL and god help us all but I think she procreated.....I can only hope the kid takes after its dad!

To say Janet and I were relived is such an understatement. We danced around singing "ding dong the witch is dead" and I swear the whole place seemed lighter and brighter the second she left. It was as if even the sun beams feared to come in with her around. And don't think I am kidding about the singing and dancing.....literally we had a "wendy is gone" happy dance. It was great.

With her gone this began a stream of random roommates- usually recruited by me.

I was drinking an awful lot at the time so I can't recall exactly the order.....I might need to confer with Janet to help place them all but they all made up what we called the "special guest role" in our wacky little sitcom.

Again, not sure of the true order but let's start with John.

Oh John......what can I say about him.

He was a total country bumpkin. From small town Iowa USA. He was from a town so small they came to my hometown (which is small by most standards) and called it "coming into town". I met him while I was going to community college (which I paid for entirely on tips from Pizza Hut thank you very much) and he was a total and utter dork. He was the male equivalent to a dumb blond and was just goofy in a harmless puppy dog kinda way. I have great affection for the freaks of the world and although his antics were annoying as hell he was a dear. Oh and he was gay....he was soooooo gay he practically had flames shooting from his finger tips and yet he claimed to be straight as a board. He often spoke of the one sexual experience he ever had.....a poor lass we dubbed "Katie the wonderfuck" because she was obviously sooooo good he never had to go back to the well again. He would tell the story of their "special moment"often (toooo often) and he talked about how he could just go and go and go (ummm, perhaps because pumping a chick wasn't what was gonna do it for you? just a guess....)

Lesse.....here is a short list of some of John's little adventures:

he accidentally shut our cat in the fridge for god know how long....all I know is I came home to a cat-sicle (she was fine, frosted whiskers but fine)

he never ever cleaned up his messes prompting Janet one in a fit of litter induced rage to take a pizza box he had left on the counter and drive it into his bedroom door with a butcher knife and a note warning him to pick his shit up or else !!

he took longer to get ready than we did (not gay?? puhleezzeeee)

he bumped into things, all the time like the guy could barely walk 10 feet without knocking something over

We did have some good times with him to be truthful....he was just so damn easy to mess with! You could tell him anything and he would totally believe it. It was a great game to come up with the most extreme things we could just to see how far we could go before we would lose him. The answer? Pretty damn far.....

During the week of Halloween we decided that we were going to watch scary movies every night of the week. Janet, John and I cuddled up on our couch and drove into the land of Freddy, Jason and Michael and all their buddies. The great things for me is Janet and John were both very jumpy and I was ruthless in my torture of them....poking and grabbing themas the scary music swelled making them jump out of their skins. I think one time John even peed a little.

So this went all week and one night I get home from work (the mall- retailsville, I was managing a video store at the time) and the whole house was dark and there were no cars. This was weird because we went as a group places and even if they took off someone's car would have still been there. And then I got to the stairs (which were their own horror show, the staircase was barely attached and completely dangerous- hey, we lived on the edge!) and the light was out.

Okkkkkk....weird

Then I get to the door and there is a note tapped to the door saying that they had all gone out with my good friend Ms. Julie Wilkening. So great to have old friends blend with your new friends. So this is weird too because Janet would totally have called me to let me know the plan and she never would have left without me. Still, whatever....except when I walked in the door there were 3 versions of the same note on the table??

I walk in and the light in the living room is out but I walk right over to the fridge and grab a soda. Then I notice the cat didn't run out to see me. Hmmmm

:::bump, rustle, thud:::::

What's that?

I start to walk down the long hall from the living room to the bedrooms and see Janet's door is shut....which it never was but figured that was where the cat was so ok. Then I see a light in my bedroom.

I stop for a second.

Then the light swooshes around my room and the noises coming from it get louder.

What the hell?

.......and here is where it gets scary. I charge. Literally charge into my room to find a hooded figure crouched over my dresser going through my drawers. They had a flashlight and was digging away in my stuff.

Did I:

a. turn and running away?

b. faint in a huge pile of girly-ness?

c. go running in the room screaming like a banshee "get the fuck outta my house" and charge the figure with no weapon but my wrath?

the answer would be c.....and I gotta admit not the best of those options. You never know what you are gonna do in adrenaline charged situations and that is how I found out what my default setting was....

So I am screaming and going after this guy and as I lunge he stands up and....waitaminute....that's not a bad guy or Michael or even Jason come to kill me....it's, it's....it's fucking JULIE!!!!!

She stood up and looked at me....a bit panicked I think at what I was about to do to her and flipped on the light.

At that moment my roomies Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum come bursting out of Janet's room hysterically laughing.

Pissed

I was soooooooo pissed.

I was LIVID and they all knew it.

No one spoke to me, they just set about getting the car situation under control. Apparently they had all parked about a mile away at the QuickTrip (now Kum & Go- ugh). I later found out they had been playing this whole scene for days and days and got so freaked out planning it they were scaring themselves but they were determined to get me back for scaring them so much.

It was the one time they succeeded......well played friend. Well played.

College days- a throw back posting

2009-06-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Ok I am home, bored and waiting by the phone to get my employment situation figured out so I figured I would blog a bit to entertain myself....

It occured to me that I have a new audience that really knows nothing about me prior to this moment in time so I thought I'd throw out some throw back stories as good background info. If you were there you can feel free to skip these next posts....unless you were there and drunk off your ass (Janet and Von) and this might be a good reminder and/or alternate version of events.

Ahhhhh where to begin?

Ok. My best friend in the world is Janet. I'll never forget the day we met. It was at ISU and it was a huge lecture class at 8am. Why in gods green earth they ever schedule morning classes in college I'll never know- and even more astounding is the fact that people sign up for these classes. The class was a psych class called something like Sex and Sexuality. Sounds like something that would keep a group of college students attention right? WRONG- ohmigod it was taught by the worst teacher in the world....this guy was so old and dried up he was crusty and his lectures were all completely monotone. It was brutal sitting there and just in an effort to force myself to stay awake I sat near the front and in the center of the room. Of course this just made it a bit more embarassing when I did nod off....and I did, often but at least I was trying!

So one day in class I noticed this way cute short haired girl walking from the back of the room where she sat and she bounced all the way down to the front of the room. She made a bee line over to me and asked if she could borrow my notes as she had missed some of the class lectures (because she was napping to most likely). She introduced herself and I gave her my notes and we were pretty much inseperable from that moment on and for the next 6 years. I asked her many times why of all the people in that room she picked me (she walked by at least 50 people on her way over to me) and she said she just thought I looked nice. Awwww

Geesh there are so many stories about our life together. In fact we used to joke all the time about how our life should be a sitcom (see, this idea has been rolling around my head for a long time). We both lived off campus and at home and eventually we hooked up with this girl named Wendy who became our third muskateer. What I can tell you looking back about Wendy is- if all the hot mess drama queens in the world ever gathered together in one place they would all fall to their knees in worship when she walked in the room. This girl could make walking across the carpet into a drama filled, bust into tears moment that would need hours of discusssion to get her off the ledge.

One of her first major antics that I was witness to was she had opened her mothers mail (that's bad right?) and took a preapproved credit app and filled it out and got a credit card with a 5k limit which she proceeded to max out in just a few weeks. She bought cd's, stero systems, a tv, perfume (I can still smell it- Tresor), clothes.....and drinks. Lots and lots of drinks. We began hanging out at a bar called Hunky Dory's (hey, I didn't pick the name) and soon became diva-level regulars. Since we knew the manager (Ian) and all the bouncers and bartenders we -never- paid a cover charge and god forbid if there was someone new working the door who didn't know who we were- pfft. Our wrath was swift for such underlings and there was no pity. We even had the DJ's play set list tailor made for us....it was cool.

In fact there was one particular night that Wendy drug us to some random bar in BFE to see this band cuz she was all hot for one of the band members (who, as it turned out wanted nothing to do with her...and he was pretty gross and nasty) so we were "late" in arriving to our bar. No kidding, everyone was so worried about us that the manager of the bar called all our houses to find out where we were and if we were ok. Yes....the manager of a bar called my mother (and mind you I am 22 at this time) to see why her daughter was not already sloppy drunk on his dance floor. Classic.....

So Wendy was slutty and evil but in the history of my life I have to give her credit for it was she who found our Shangri-la, our hideaway....our crib. Ok the reason she found it was cuz her mom found out about the credit card scam and threw her out of the house. We had all been kicking around the idea of getting a place together and this just kinda gave us the shove we needed. I have no idea how she found our place but she called us to come look at it and it was the perfect college crib.

It is super close to all the college bars but yet right on the edge of town where it started to turn into "the country". This is in Ames, IA btw.....we were attending ISU at the time. It was a house that had been converted into apartment. The first floor was 3 one bedroom units and our was one three bedroom unit. Wendy took the master bedroom (which she always kept a total pigsty, this chick was exploding disaster where ever she walked) and Janet and I took the other 2 bedrooms which had an adjoining closet. The kitchen was straight out of the 50's but since we were not so much with the cooking that didn't matter (actually Janet is a very good cook and every so often would suprise me with breakfast- that rocked). We had a huge black bar/island that served as a pantry and what was the half bath/laundry room we turned into the make-up room. I had a vanity that I stuck in there and that was where we got ready....and trust me if you are living with 2 other women you need more than one bathroomto get ready in. Especially Janet who could easily take close to 2 hours to get ready. God knows I sat there and watched her go through her routine often enough but to this day I could still not tell you what took her so long (these days she tells me she is lucky to get out the door with her teeth brushed having 2 kids under the age of 5).

The best part of the house was our huge living room. It was massive and there were huge windows all around. This was great in the summer because we had no air conditioning and we got a great breeze. In fact the first time I ever had air conditioning in a house I lived in was Chicago. In the winter those windows were not our friend....as I mentioned it was an old house and not so much with the insulation. We would nail blankets and plastic over the windows to keep out the drafts and even then we couldn't have lived without my little space heater. We also had huge deep closets in the dining room area. The plus side to this was it was excellent storage for the massive amounts of cans we accumulated from our soda and beer habits. We would fill up the cabinets and then when we couldn't stuff another can in there we would go the mile (seriously) to cash in our cans and buy more beer. We would usually have like $30 worth of cans. One of the issues we had with our landlord later was ummmm, a bit of an ant problem because of years of very sticky closets being great feeding grounds for the ants. oops.....

This was the setting now for a thousand wonderful, weird and just buck wild crazy times....stay tuned and I will roll these stories out when my current life bores me ;)

Blogtastic

2009-05-31T20:08:00.000-07:00

So I have posted 19 blogs in May and the anal control freak in me just needs to make that a round number so I am posting one last blog to make it an even 20.

This month has been blogtastic actually. I have had almost 800 views and now have over 100 fans on my Facebook page. Thanks to everyone who has been sending people to my blog and to all the new folks who have started reading it this month. I still have the friends and family mentality when writing so its very cool to get comments and questions from people I did not go to high school with or share DNA.

Anyways....feel free to comment here and I do take requests so if there is any topic you would like me to address feel free to shout it out.

Get to the good stuff

2009-05-31T18:35:00.000-07:00

I know I know, my little career ups and downs are very entertaining but I can hear you all screaming :::now tell us the GOOD stuff, tell us about THE BOY:::::

First off (and he will be oh so excited to hear this) I am officially upgrading him from "new boy" to "the man in my life" cuz he is def not a boy- he is all man!

He has been awesome to me. I must admit I went a little "ohmigoshaboylikesmeandhehasn'trunawayyetandthatisnewtome" crazy. Kudos to him (and I mean MAJOR kudos) that he didn't freak out and just bail on me. If he had it would have totally been my fault. BUT he didn't and he hasn't and wonder of all he is still in the picture.

I gotta tell you he is pretty awesome. Smart, funny, cute accent, smart, gets me, witty, worldly.....I could go on and on. (And I am not just saying that cuz he is reading this). I honestly feel lucky to just have met him as a person and as a new friend.....everything else has been a bonus. And I do love me a good bonus!

I had to apologize to him for going from first date to picking out china patterns and while he was super cool about it, I gotta think he was relieved when I had a moment of clarity Friday night and kinda snapped out of my haze. Not that I am not still all twitterpatted about him....I am. And I do love this part. The talking until way too late. The fact that he is a blank page and everything he says is fantastically interesting to me. He was talking about rocks and I was enthralled....seriously. He makes them into art and I think that, well not to be obvious but, that rocks. hehehe

Its way to early to make any predictions about how this will go. Excruciatingly early in fact but what I like is how comfortable and easy it is to be with him and talk to him. I am trying to hold myself back from what may seem like fishing for too many compliments but it has honestly been so long since I have connected with someone like this I just really am a bit stunned that someone I like likes me back. So when I ask him what he likes about me....I really am not looking for my ego to be stroked (although its a bonus) I really really want to know.

Emotionally speaking, I feel like those plants I see at Walgreens that look half dead cuz even though they are right there out in the open no one has thought to water them in ages and they are bone dry and half dead. Every look he gives me, every compliment, everytime he says something interesting or something that implies a reference to something he is thinking about us doing in the future....its like watering my emotional soul (ok, I know that sounds -way- over the top but feeling like this is new to me so back off!) And it really doesn't take that much to make me perk up and come back to life.

I must have seemed to him like a stray dog you give a little kibble to....you become their instant hero and they will follow you anywhere. Normally when I meet a guy I am pretty guarded and aloof...which works out well cuz when 24 hours later they have disappeared its no big deal and I can move on cuz I invested nothing in them......But I don't feel like holding back now- even a little bit and I think its because of the kibble I got. He started right off by giving me some attention and affection and that was the first few drops that made me perk up and want more. (damn, I am mixing my analogies....eh, just roll with it for me) It didn't take much but at every step I have just gotten more and more of what I need. To even get a taste of something solid and stable and consistent.....god, that is all I have wanted for so so long. My prayer for years has been to just have someone in my life I could count on. That's it. Simple.

I just have to wonder though.....all the years I have spent hiding. Even when I was dating actively (ohhhh and I do mean actively- those stories will be the sequel to this book once it is published- trust me there are some good ones!) it was empty. It was just sex because if I couldn't get a guy to love me or care for me I could sure as hell get him to fuck me and that was close enough. I have used sex as a substitute for affection for so so long and the truth is I would rather lie in a man who cares about me arms all night much much more than to fuck him.

Sometimes I think I rush sex to hide from getting vulnerable. How many people talk about sex as power and control and maybe I do that....hmmmm. I think I might do that more than I had considered before (look at me working stuff out as I write, welcome to my process and why this is the best cheap therapy ever!) I may very well flip to sex kitten mode to protect myself from feeling what I am feeling for someone. Damn it has just been so long since I have cared about the man in my bed (sad I know) that I haven't spend much time thinking about it. Interesting.....

It is freaking me out more than I would care to admit to think about the future. I am just so used to being denied (time to unpack some emotional baggage) even with some of my core, most significant relationships there has been such a take away of emotion. Think Lucy and Charlie Brown.....this unconditional love is offered but when I run up to the football to kick that emotional touchdown it gets yanked away. Time after time after time. Is it any wonder that I am scared to reach out and really let myself go? I want to believe and I have to say with this particular guy I look up and I see blue sky with no clouds and I don't feel even a hint of rain in the air (and being from the midwest, we can always smell a storm coming) BUT.....what if he pulls away just when I am ready to let go? Can I trust myself? The question isn't can I trust him....it really has nothing to do with him in many ways. It is all about can I trust myself to really let go and be vulnerable and give my heart to someone. NOT that we are there yet.....this has plenty of time to grow and be what its gonna be but even thinking about opening up to him makes me wonder if I will ever be able to truly let go and open myself up to anyone.

It reminds me of the 5 foot trust fall I did. I had to climb up on the platform and look at my team and tell them "I trust you" then let myself fall into their arms. I never doubted that they would catch me. I knew they were there and they would be there for me. What I didn't know if I could do- and what had my knees turning into jello- was I didn't know if I could let myself fall. Just leting go and letting myself fall the hardest part, being caught was the least of what that process was about for me.

I guess at the end of the day I am just thrilled to even feel safe enough to ponder these thoughts and questions. This is 10,000 times better than the last 5 guys I have dated combined (god that is pathetic to say) and its only been a week. But I gotta say....I think I have many many weeks ahead of me with this particular man.

And to him I say....thank you for making me feel so special so far and I hope I do fill in your gaps as beautifully as you have filled in mine (which sounds kinda dirty- hehehe).

THIS....is why I document my life

2009-05-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

Attention hollywood....your shows are getting predictable and lame. Why not inject some new life into them by borrowing some content from a fresh new face on the scene? Meet Tracey, she is single, ambitious and is really trying to make something of her life.....and yet it all goes wrong in some very right ways! Follow along with her life- you'll laugh, you'll cry. Is she more Ally McBeal or Ugly Betty? Let your viewers decide while you buckle up and enjoy the ride.

(deep cleansing sigh)

I TOLD you that you can't make shit like this up? Hollywood take note indeed. If my life was a sitcom it would be canceled because there is no way the audience could believe in all the twists that happen in my storyline.

So let us back up ::beep, beep, beep::: (that was my back up siren like on those big trucks-heh)

Not sure even where to begin actually and honestly at this point I don't want to make being "let go" (so much nicer than fired) into a big thing cuz when I look back a month, a year from now it is going to be such a tiny blip on my scale it will barely be worth remembering.

That being said, this does need documented for the TraceyTimeCapsule so here we go...

I guess I am just not that overly sensitive to weird vibe in a place. I tend to overlook them because I just don't see the point and my philosophy has always been to just get my shit done and not worry about how to play the game. I don't like weird little rules and I really don't like the "this is how -we- do it" thing. I do my job how it is supposed to me done. Period. And since I work in sales there really is no magic formula to get things done. It is contacts plus relationship building plus time equals sales....assuming you have a product or service people want to buy.

The product/concept I was selling is brilliant but here is the issue, you can't close deals on a brand new innovative concept in less than 3 weeks. I won't bore you with the details of the product and how unrealistic the expectations were- just know that they were- but the issue is there is they basically plug in random bodies and if there is no immediate production I guess they boot you.

It's the worst business model ever and I can see why the company is not taking off much faster. As a business professional it is sad for me to see because I keep running into these companies with fantastic potential to do amazing things but they miss the mark when it comes to how they deal with people.....and folks, its people who make the world go round.

Ok, so here is the brass tacks of what happened. I was trying to build a new territory, making dials and trying to get some conversations going. I was keeping my head down and just doing my job. Some of the guys would talk to me but not many- and I didn't mind. They started talking about how many people they have seen come and go (about 40 in the last year easy they said) and how they have these weird rules that they hold people to but don't always let people know what those rules are. Weird, but whatever. Then Friday afternoon rolls around and people start saying goodbye, one after the other heads start rolling and some says that this happens each payday. They look at the books and they decide who to cut.

As a new person this made me a little nervous but again, in sales you totally get used to it so no big. Then they asked for me.....

The 2 newly promoted team leaders marched me into the back conference room and told me they hadn't seen the activity it takes for someone to be successful here so they were letting me go. Now at this point it really doesn't matter what else is said or done because the decision has been made but I did get my point and feelings across for what it was worth. Stupid business decision, no support, unrealistic....blah blah blah. Not that it will change anything and again, this will be a blip on my screen so I packed up my shit and came home.

The bad part was just the wounded pride. I mean, they came after me and gave me a solid base. They recruited me and that always is a boostto the ol ego. I knew I could really be a heavy hitter there so for them to not see it and want me gone?? That stings....then there is my ever present block of not wanting anyone (you guys) to know I had once again fallen off my pedestal. That really sucks. Just when you feel something coming together and you feel like you have hit a new level the rug gets yanked out.

So friday night sucked. It was talking to a few key people- like my partner who brought me onboard in the first place- who all just wanted to "fix it". I was hit with all these people whipping into action mode and while it is GREATLY appreciated that was the time just to wallow in the suckiness of it all and not fix it. Not that second anyways.

And wallow I did, all night and then yesterday I forced myself to get out of bed and get my ass to yoga and just get centered. It helped. I could breathe again.

So I ran my normal weekend errands then got home and called my old boss at TriStaff (the place I originally left and was there for 1.5 yrs). He finally texted me back last night and I asked to come back and he said no problem.

Ta da

I am employed again.

If nothing else kids, let this be a lesson about never burning a bridge. My company has always been great to me and I left on as high a note as I could and was told when I left there would always be a place there for me. So that is that....

All in all just another loop-de-loo on the roller coaster that is my life and this one I won't even remember except as a weird story I will tell at parties.

But would this make an excellent 30 min show?? Oh Hollywood....I am ready for ya! I'll start working on material for my next episode now!!

The New Boy

2009-05-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

So yeah, you may have noticed I have been a bit twitterpatted today. Oh the highs and lows in my life...after having a very downward spiraling start to the weekend I had lunch with my bestie (can 30 somethings use that term??) Patti and she helped me lift the fog a little. She was a great date (even though she didn't put out- hrumpft) and I felt much better after. So much better that I decided to stick my toe back in the dating pond and I dusted off my online profile on the dating site I have been sorta kinda not really using.

So I got online and was perusing profiles when I saw this quirky, medium cute guy and I am a big fan of those things and yadda yadda yadda we emailed, we spoke (once I get em on the phone I can close the deal- I am gooood on the phone) and viola I had a date for Monday night (pic is me right before leaving for said date).

***btw, this truly will be a FB fan only post cuz either in a fit of brilliance or an act of stupidity I sent him the link to my blog so he is reading it all tonight (gulp)

***I changed my mind- fuck it if he is a keeper let him see it all right?? (hi!)

So we meet at a place near me (Biltmore Fashion Square) and had a healthy dinner (no small feat). It was my suggestion, I should say my second suggestion cuz the first place I picked was closed for the Holiday- he called ahead to make sure (awww).

We talked easily....he is super smart, as in he graduated high school when he was 13. He is Canadian and has duel citizenship. Oh...and he works for the airline and can TRAVEL FOR FREE! Hellloooooo dating perk! He has already promised me many "adventures" and told me I need to get my passport (he wants to take me to Asia- wait, there is no white slave trade there right??)

So the convo flowed then we walked around the mall (he grabbed my hand right away- bonus points!) and then we sat to people watch for a bit. You can usually spot the random quasi-celebrity at this mall but I gotta say I wasn't looking to sharp for celebs my attentions were def focused elsewhere.... like on his lips. At this point I gotta say I am nearly trembling from the chemistry and me not being one to wait I just had to leave over and kiss him. So I did.

God, is there anything better than a great first kiss? I ask you....

:::swoon:::

Then today has been a flurry of fun texts.....(deeeep sigh)

Now.....you may have noticed that I have never EVER posted about a guy (btw in a Canadian accent that would be "a-boot" hehehe) this early in the game. I usually wait for the trainwreck to happen before I give the post mortem and god knows I could be putting a MAJOR jinx on this (and feel free to point that out later- I am sure some of you will) but I have never been this hopeful or felt this good about a new guy before. Not in a long time, many never. There is huge crash and burn potential here but I have decided I am just gonna go with it and see what happens and enjoy the feeling.

I do love this feeling....where it is all shiny and new and I get that woosey flashback thing happening when I remember how he touched me or how his kisses feel.....Mmmmmmmm. And god knows I have been wrong about this before but I think he digs me. I really do....and doesn't THAT fucking rock?

So yeah....that's the update. And now I am going to go write my name hyphenated with his all over the cover of my Trapper Keeper

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW FRAN???? heheheh ;)